Children seek attention in all sorts of ways and for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes, parents and childcarers have to react before they know the reason, especially if the behaviour is dangerous or threatens to upset other children. However, if the behaviour persists, it is a good idea to find out why it is occurring. Knowing the reason will help you decide how to deal with it. Typical examples of attention-seeking behaviour include:
- John is having a miserable day and tells the teacher he has a tummy ache. Overhearing, Amy (three) claims she has a tummy ache, too.
- Peter is told off for putting his hand in the fish tank. A few minutes later Sean (four) copies Peter's action.
- Angela (three) keeps interrupting story time with news about her mummy and daddy, etc. When it is news time, she finds it difficult to let the other children have their turn.
Attention-seeking behaviour can be wearing to the point of becoming infuriating. Childcarers may be tempted to react harshly or, feeling guilty about their irritation, try to ignore it in the hope that it will stop. This might work, but the behaviour is there for a reason and will continue unless understood. To take the above examples:
- A brief conversation with her mum reveals that Amy's little brother has just started walking. Amy is bearing up well at home, but the strain of doing so is showing at nursery, where she often competes for attention. In a quiet moment, the nursery nurse talks with her about how hard it is when baby brothers get so much attention. She organises a model-making activity that Amy loves, and admires her creation. Regular support such as this reduces Amy's need to resort to unsuitable ways of getting attention.
- Sean's mother is depressed. She leaves him to his own devices, but becomes furious when he is naughty or too messy or breaks something. Sean loves nursery and is well-liked. However, he cannot resist provoking staff in the way he provokes his mother, since this is the only way he knows he can get attention. Staff work at building a relationship with Sean based on their genuine warm feelings for him. They explain carefully the reasons for nursery rules and, gradually, Sean begins to seek their positive attention and approval, rather than the angry attention he is used to.
- Angela is the only child and grandchild in a large extended family, doted on by all. She has little sense that other children at nursery might also have a right to be heard. When the teachers are firm with her she throws a tantrum. All they can do then is to talk about how angry she is about not getting her way, and sympathise with how hard it is to wait, assuring her that while it is another child's turn now, it will be her turn soon. The teachers meet with the parents to try to help them recognise that for Angela to learn and make friends, she needs to be able to experience and learn to tolerate some frustration in her life.
HOLDING ON
Childcarers are also likely to come across clingy behaviour and need to understand it. Many young children may go through a period of clinging when they enter a new phase of development that makes them more aware of their separateness - for instance, sleeping in a big bed, giving up nappies or when dealing with strain at home, perhaps due to a parent's absence or an illness. However, being clingy may pass with patient handling. Childcarers should carefully discuss what is happening in the child's life and help them put their feelings into words, for instance, that they might be worried or cross or sad.
Sometimes, however, the clinging persists. Three-year-old Anne found it impossible to let her mother leave her at nursery in the mornings, clinging to her and crying. It later emerged that it was extremely unusual for Anne to have her mum all to herself because she had a disabled older brother who claimed most of their mum's attention.
The nursery staff talked to Anne's mother about this, discussing ways in which she might make time for Anne at home. They also suggested her dad took time off work to settle Anne at nursery. This worked well, especially since dad, unlike her mum, allowed Anne to use her dummy to help her settle.
ANSWERING BACK
The child who misses no opportunity to challenge instructions is more difficult, especially when they apparently delight in the assault on adult authority. Such children may seem untroubled by fear of punishment or guilt.
For example, Ben, aged three, stood on the table and swore at the nursery teacher when she asked him to get down. There were many such confrontations every day. A meeting with his parents revealed he was equally 'naughty' at home and they resorted to shouting and smacking him. This made Ben feel bad about himself, and he felt he had nothing to lose by being equally badly behaved at nursery.
The nursery teacher set clear limits to his behaviour, but concentrated on building a relationship with him in which he gradually felt valued. He grew to want to respond well and receive her praise. When he had still not developed independent control, she made a point of holding his hand at difficult moments, for instance, settling for story. This physical contact enabled him to feel sufficiently contained to manage his impulses and to listen to and follow clear instructions.
HAVING FUN
Sometimes playfulness and humour can help children give up their desire to have things their own way. For instance, Emma was an very imaginative, but obstinate, three-year-old. Her behaviour had got worse since the arrival of her baby sister. When asked to wash her hands before snack time she refused, saying she was a baby rabbit. But she readily agreed to wash her hands when she was asked if she could hop to the sink as Thumper.
It is often worth finding out what is going on at home to help understand a child's behaviour. Once this has been sensitively addressed, carers might feel more confident about dealing with the challenging behaviour. A combination of sympathy and firmness can help indulged children to learn to wait, and angry, deprived children to try to please, once they realise they will end up feeling pleasure and pride in their achievements.
Writing in the last century, Anna Freud stressed that the solution to delinquency, dissociality and criminality was not 'more control and punishment', which might only increase anger and resentment. She stressed the need for positive experiences, that engendered both the desire to gain approval and the fear of losing it.
The experience of consistent loving relationships can bind the more negative destructive aspects of the personality at all stages of development. In the case of the very young, such experiences in the home and at nursery can help prevent the sorts of later problems that society is only too often having to deal with.
This article is based on a Nursery World 'Behaviour' series by psychologists at the Anna Freud Centre in north London, a registered charity, offering treatment, training and research into emotional development in childhood
