Most people have witnessed a child's temper tantrum - the sudden explosion that appears out of all proportion to the event that triggered it. For the parent or carer, tantrums can be alarming, frustrating and, when they occur in public, excruciatingly embarrassing. Dealing with them is a big challenge, so it helps to understand why a child might fling himself down screaming in rage because his biscuit has broken or he has been told to wear his coat.
Tantrums start at around the age of 18 months as a child is becoming more aware of himself as a separate being. He wants to assert himself and have some control over his life. Instead, he meets more restrictions as he explores his world more actively. He reacts to being thwarted dramatically because he is not yet able to express his anger and frustration verbally - he is overwhelmed by his feelings and they burst out of him.
Such outbursts are still common during a child's third and fourth years and sometimes beyond. They are a normal part of growing up, gradually diminishing as the child learns to express his feelings in words or other means.
VARYING INTENSITY
Tantrums vary in intensity, but all are expressions of the child's feelings of anger and frustration. Some common 'triggers' are being told to do or stop doing something; being told 'No' or 'Wait'; being over-stimulated (think of holidays and parties!); being bored or failing in an attempt to do something. A child who is tired, hungry, unwell or coping with major changes in his life, such as a new baby sibling or starting nursery, will also be less able to handle his emotions.
Parents often complain that their child is at his 'worst' with them and the scene at any nursery collection time seems to confirm this. Children who have behaved impeccably all morning can suddenly dissolve into tears around mum or dad. They are tired and, with their parent, they suddenly relax and feel safe enough to express their feelings. Knowing that their child feels secure is perhaps some consolation for parents who are struggling with frequent tantrums.
Tantrums are difficult for adults, but for the child they can be frightening and overwhelming. He feels out of control emotionally and physically and is unable to respond to reason. He needs the adult to be in control, or he will feel even more frightened.
Shouting at or smacking the child are not only ineffective responses, but actually exacerbate the situation. The most effective approach is to remain calm and speak softly, reflecting back his feelings by saying, for example, 'You're angry because...'. If he feels it is acceptable to cry and that he is understood, he will probably regain control more quickly.
He needs reassurance afterwards - he knows he has behaved 'badly' and may fear that he is no longer loved. A cuddle and discussion of other ways of expressing his frustration will help. Any disapproval should be directed at his behaviour, not at him. He also needs to know that his tantrum didn't 'work' so that he is less likely to resort to such behaviour next time. However, if a child's tantrums are very severe or frequent, it may be helpful to encourage the parents to speak to their GP or health visitor.
KEY ACTION POINTS
- Remember tantrums are a child's expression of frustration and anger, normally at a time when they cannot express themselves verbally.
- Check that the child is getting sufficient sleep and eating regular, nutritious meals. Being tired or hungry could easily trigger a tantrum.
- Give the child plenty of time to try to complete what she wants to do 'all by himself', as hurrying only leads to conflict.
- Intervene sensitively to lend a helping hand when you see signs of building frustration in the child when she is not able to complete the task she has set herself.
- Offer choice between two or three things wherever possible - for example, a choice of fruits at lunchtime or saying 'Would you like to clean your teeth or wash your face first?' rather than commanding them to do one or other.
- Involve the child where possible, for example, in setting out cutlery at lunchtime.
- Provide the child with clear, consistent boundaries (but as few as possible).
- Keep 'No' to a minimum by keeping precious or unsuitable items out of sight or by distracting her attention.
- Consider a child's requests carefully - make sure battles happen only over important things!
- Give lots of attention to positive behaviour and very little to tantrums.
- Plan ahead. For example, make sure you provide enough physical activity every day so that children can 'let off steam'.
- Give some warning that it will soon be time to go or to stop an activity.
- Bear in mind that second children in a family often face more frustrations - the lure of their older siblings' toys, the struggle to keep up with them and the need to share parents' time and attention. Also they are 'organised' to a much greater extent than a first child, for example going to and from school at least twice a day (with no benefit for them at all!)
If a tantrum starts...
- Remove the child to somewhere quiet and allow him to calm down away from an audience.
- Try to stay calm yourself.
- Recognise that the child probably feels frightened by the force of his feelings and by being out of control.
- Avoid reasoning with the child, as this is pointless, given the intensity of the child's feelings - instead, stay close, try putting his feelings into words and reassure him with a cuddle afterwards.
- Put her feelings into words if a tantrum is brewing, for example by saying, 'You're feeling angry because...'
- Finally, never reward a tantrum by giving in!
This article is based on a Nursery World 'Behaviour' series by psychologists at the Anna Freud Centre in north London, a registered charity, offering treatment, training and research into emotional development in childhood
