When someone says to us, ‘Oh, they’re so attention-seeking’, we may nod in agreement, perhaps rolling our eyes. Attention-seeking is one of those terms we say disparagingly. Either that or we worry about the reasons for this type of behaviour. We often see attention-seeking behaviour as something to be corrected or be concerned about.
Should we? Adam Phillips argues that ‘attention-seeking is one of the best things we do’ (Phillips 2019).
The former principal child psychotherapist questions why we would ever be judgementalof attention-seeking. For Phillips, it is wholly positive.
This endorsement of attention-seeking is unusual: Phillips goes against the grain. What is he saying about the indisputable value of seeking attention?
THE FUNCTION OF ATTENTION-SEEKING
Most adults would probably describe the function of attention-seeking behaviour as showing off or acting out because something is not going right for that person. Phillips, however, is highlighting a different feature of attention-seeking; another, perhaps more nuanced, way of understanding it.
Phillips describes attention-seeking as ‘how we find and involve ourselves with what interests us, what encourages and what inhibits us in following our curiosity’ (Phillips 2019).
This is quite a claim, and one that is not without significance for those working in the early years.
Let’s look at it more closely, unpack it a little. The first part:
(i) ‘How we find and involve ourselves with what interests us’
The importance of children finding out about their interests cannot be overstated. Children and young people blossom when they start to discern their desires and fascinations. Conversely, those who do not manage to achieve this can feel at a loss, bored, or even disenfranchised by their schooling.
For Phillips, the primary function of attention-seeking is this self-discovery. Young children seek attention from others to find out what they want to give their attention to. He argues that they won’t set out knowing this, hence the seeking. A child seeking attention does not yet know what they are seeking attention for. They discover that in the company of another, like an interested adult.
Phillips points out, ‘In terms of child development, there’s something very powerful about babies’ and young children’s capacities to recruit attention. They’re magnetic in some way’ (discussion at The London Review of Books, July 2019). Early years practitioners are in an ideal position to engage with these little magnets of attention. We can join them in their quest to find out what they want to give their attention to.
As long ago as 1932, Susan Isaacs said something very similar. Writing in her Nursery World column, as Ursula Wise, she emphasises the critical importance of ‘giving the children the sense that you are interested in their interests – jumping and running and shouting and looking at the birds and flowers – whatever it be’ (25 May 1932).
Looking at attention-seeking in this way, it is clear why Phillips expresses nothing but praise for it. If attention-seeking is the child’s route to discovering their desires, surely we should welcome it?
(ii) ‘What encourages and what inhibits us in following our curiosity’
Now on to the second, perhaps more challenging part of Phillips’s claim.
You may have heard stories of highly successful people whose experiences of school (or a particular teacher) made them feel they would never come to much. Equally, you may have heard contrasting stories about those who were saved once they were noticed and given attention by a single teacher. We all know which story we would rather be part of.
Because we influence the children we work with, it is important that we reflect on ourselves and attitudes. These are often deeply embedded and unwittingly transmitted to children. When we are around a child showing attention-seeking behaviour, do we channel their energies by encouraging them? Or do we inhibit the child, dampening down their curiosity?
Phillips points out, ‘It is a powerful fundamental thing, but it’s as though at a certain point in development, attention-seeking becomes something that is obviously morally appalling. It’s something we should learn not to do and yet we need attention, so we’re in a bind. We have to find acceptable ways of getting the attention we want or need.’
Maybe we find attention-seeking more appealing in a baby than in a four-year-old? It is easy to be judgmental about ‘attention seeking children’, and this will have its effects on the attention-seeker. It is our responsibility to examine our attitudes to attention-seeking. If we are to find out more about how we encourage and inhibit young children, we need to learn about the messages we reflect back to them when they seek our attention.
So, how do we judge (and, yes, we do) attention-seeking?
REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS:
- Do we approve of giving attention to certain sorts of behaviours, and not to others?
- Do we approve of giving attention to certain sorts of curiosities, and not to others?
- Do certain attention-seeking behaviours irritate us? How do we respond?
- Do we recognise loud and extroverted attention-seeking behaviours more than quiet, subtle forms?
- Can we name times when we have given attention to children who quietly seek it out?
- Is attention-seeking always obvious?
- Can we think of more subtle ways children get our attention?
We also need to think about the importance of helping children to become more attention-seeking. This will mean being proactive: looking out for inadvertent attention- seeking and being able to identify it in its less obvious forms. When children can seek and enjoy sharing adult attention, it can set the scene for them to develop their play, language and confidence.
We live in a world where not only attention-seeking but attention itself is bound up with moralisations. We are told that we cannot concentrate any more; when we do focus, it’s on ‘the wrong things’. If we enjoy being watched and given attention, we are showing off, an exhibitionist. More food for thought.
Finally, Phillips talks about the considerable difference between ‘taking a three-year-old for a walk’ and ‘going for a walk with a three-year-old’. You can take a three-year-old to the shops or the playground. But if you go for a walk with a three-year-old, you won’t get far. You’ll sort of go round in circles.
Going for a walk with a three-year-old is a lovely example of giving them your full attention.
ASE STUDY: ‘Focusing on Alicia’s love of cats’
Children can be attention seeking according to their environment. Those who are loud and confident at home can sometimes be quiet and lacking in confidence at nursery. This was certainly true of Alicia, who attends Woodlands Park Nursery School and Children’s Centre in the London Borough of Haringey.
Head teacher Tara Stuber says, ‘Alicia [aged three] started at nursery during the lockdown bubbles in January 2021. She spent the spring and summer term in a two-day-week bubble. Although she seemed settled and happy to come to nursery, she was very quiet and would only talk to us in a very quiet voice. Her parent reported that at home she was very loud and outgoing. At nursery she didn’t seem as comfortable to talk and share her ideas with others.
‘In September 2021 she returned to the three-to-four class as one of the older children. She seemed unsettled and a bit unsure. We initially attributed this to the fact that the majority of the class had moved to Reception. Also, the bubbles had merged into two bigger classes with many more children. The environment was louder and busier.
‘Alicia was still very quiet. We were busy brainstorming and planning ways to help her share her ideas, thoughts and needs. We wanted to help her to build her confidence. During this period, Alicia seemed keen to talk about cats and would often spend extended periods with her key person quietly pretending to be a cat. There wasn’t a lot of language, but there would be sequences of play with adult feeding, grooming, and talking kindly to the “cat”.
‘We noted this interest and planned for it with activities including a vet role play and making books about animals. Alicia seemed to thrive with this attention and started to be more confident in group sessions.’
REFERENCES
- Phillips A (2019), Attention Seeking. Penguin Random House UK
- Wise U (1932), ‘Play is the breath of Life’ cited in Vollans C (2018), Wise Words: How Susan Isaacs Changed Parenting. Routledge
