As a parent, hearing your child cry can be one of the most emotionally challenging experiences. From newborn wails to the sobs of a frustrated toddler, crying is a powerful communication tool. But what should you do when your child is crying – should you comfort them immediately, or is it best to let them ‘cry it out’ and soothe themselves?
WHY CHILDREN CRY
Crying is one of the first ways a baby communicates their needs – the average baby can cry for around two hours a day. While it can be distressing to hear, it is important to remember that crying is a normal and healthy part of development.
As children grow, the reasons for their tears become more varied:
- Hunger, tiredness or discomfort: In the early months, crying often signals a basic need such as hunger, fatigue or a wet nappy. These cries tend to be sharp, insistent and repetitive as your baby is getting your immediate attention.
- Overstimulation: Young children can easily become overwhelmed by too much noise, light or activity, which can make them react by crying.
- Frustration or anger: As toddlers gain independence, they encounter situations where they want to do something but can’t due to lack of skill or restriction, such as being told they can’t have a toy. Crying out of frustration or anger is a natural reaction, and as they grow, they will need support in managing these emotions.
- Fear or anxiety: Separation anxiety often leads to tears, especially between six months and three years of age. This is a normal stage of development as your child is learning that you will return after you leave.
- Pain or discomfort: If your child is unwell or in pain, they will often cry in a way that is more intense or inconsolable. Trust your instincts if the crying seems unusual or prolonged – it is always better to consult a health visitor or doctor if you are worried.
- Emotional development: Older toddlers and children can cry when they are upset, sad or scared. As their emotional intelligence develops, they begin to express complex feelings, and crying can be a way of processing these emotions.
SHOULD I ALWAYS RESPOND TO CRYING?
Yes! The scientific evidence is clear that responding to a child’s cries is important for their wellbeing.
You will not ‘spoil’ a child by attending to their cries. Leaving a child to ‘cry it out’ can have the desired effect that they will cry less, but that is likely to be because they have learned that no-one will respond, not that they are no longer in need of attention.
For newborns and young babies, it is advised to respond quickly to their cries because it is their primary method of communication. This builds trust and security.
Responding to the cries of toddlers and older children does not mean you have to give in to their wants or frustrations. Instead, offer them emotional or practical support and reassurance – ‘I know it’s upsetting that you can’t zip up your top. Let’s have a cuddle and then you can try again.’ Or, ‘I know you want another sweet, but you have had enough for today. Shall we play a game together?’
Acknowledging your child’s emotions is referred to as ‘emotional validation’ and it teaches children it is OK to feel upset, angry or sad. By staying calm and setting limits, you are helping your child learn how to manage big emotions. It can also help develop problem-solving skills and resilience.
WHEN CRYING IS A CONCERN
If your child is crying excessively, inconsolably or if the crying changes suddenly in pitch or intensity, it could be a sign of an underlying issue. Trust your instincts and contact your health visitor or doctor.
SOOTHING STRATEGIES
Listening to your child cry can be equally upsetting for you, so soothing strategies can give comfort and benefit you both:
- Physical touch: A cuddle, rocking or gentle pat can reassure your child you are there for them.
- Talking softly: A calm, soothing voice can be enough to help your child feel safe and cared for.
- The environment: Dim the lights, reduce noise and offer a quiet space for your childto settle down with you.
- Distraction: For older babies and toddlers, sometimes a simple distraction, such as a toy, works.
- Singing: Singing can slow your breathing down, which is calming for you while also soothing your child.
- Get help: If you are feeling overwhelmed by your child’s crying, ask a partner, friend or family member for support. Leaving your child with a trusted adult and stepping away from the situation for a few minutes can be a big help. Or, contact the Cry-sis charity’s free helpline for support and advice: 0800 448 0737, www.cry-sis.org.uk
