Q: How common is divorce?
Almost two in every five marriages in the UK ends in divorce. Half of all divorces in England and Wales involve one or more children under the age of 16, and of these, 20 per cent are younger than five and 63 per cent are under 11 (Office for National Statistics). The break-up of co-habiting couples is even higher.
Whatever the statistics, you can be assured that you're not alone in considering divorce or separation. Your child is likely to have peers in the same situation and early years practitioners will have worked with many children who have experienced their parents' break-up.
Q: How do we tell our child we're getting divorced?
Try to tell your child together, if at all possible. Agree what you will say beforehand and keep the explanation simple and age-appropriate. Avoid showing anger or blame. Give a lot of reassurance, and be prepared to explain more than once.
Some things a child may want to know:
- It is not their fault
- Mum and Dad still love them very much
- Wherever possible, they will continue to see both parents and family and friends
- Their future living arrangements - where they will live, what will happen to any siblings or pets.
Q: How may the news affect my child?
All children will respond differently, but their emotions could include:
- A sense of loss - feeling that they have lost a parent and, depending on the circumstances, their home or way of life
- Sadness or anger - at one or both parents for separating
- Guilt - feeling personally responsible
- Confused or worried that they may be left alone if the other parent leaves too
- Torn between both parents
- Rejected, lonely or insecure
- Relief, particularly if there has been a lot of animosity or arguments.
Young children may exhibit their anxiety with crying, being clingy or difficult behaviour. Your child may find routine separations, such as going to nursery or a contact visit, harder to manage.
Q: How can we support our child?
Be patient and understanding if their behaviour seems to regress, such as bedwetting or not sleeping. This will pass when your child becomes more settled and adjusts to the new circumstances.
It is important to explain the situation to your child's keyworker or schoolteacher so they understand what they are experiencing at home. They will also be able to support and reassure your child and can be alert to unexpected behaviour.
Don't expose your child to your worries or responsibilities, and make it clear they are not to blame for what is happening. Never put the pressure on them to make difficult decisions, such as who they would like to live with. Don't criticise your ex in front of your child, or argue in front of them - the kinder you can be to each other then the easier it is for your child.
Let the child know that it is OK to feel sad, anxious or angry and that you can talk about those feelings. Try to spend extra time with them and carry on activities and routines if possible.
Q: Where do we go for more information?
- Divorce Aid has advice for children and families at www.divorceaid.co.uk
- 'It's not your fault' is advice from charity Action for Children for children, at www.itsnotyourfault.org
- Childline helpline for children, www.childline.org.uk, telephone 0800 1111
- The Children's Society produces leaflets, at www.childrenssociety.org.uk
- National Family Mediation helps families who are separating, at www.nfm.org.uk
Books such as:
- 'Two of Everything' by Babette Cole (Red Fox, £5.99)
- 'It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear' by Vicki Lansky (Book Peddlers, £7.99)
- 'Two Homes' by Claire Masurel (Walker Books, £4.99)
