Q: A little boy (three years six months) in our nursery just never seems to want to go home at the end of the day, and time and again throws a tantrum at collection time. His family are very loving and I have no concerns about his family life. It just seems that he can't bear finishing his play and parting from his friends. His poor mother always looks so embarrassed when faced with her son's reluctance to leave. How should we respond?
A: This sounds like a difficult situation and one that may cause embarrassment for all the adults involved. However, for the child - let's call him Jack - it can be both confusing and overwhelming. It is important that you take his distress seriously and recognise how traumatic he is finding this event.
Young children are unable to say how they feel or what is wrong and, therefore, communicate their feelings through their behaviour. For example, tantrums are a way of showing us that a child may be upset, scared or angry. The task for the adults in their life is to work out what the child is trying to communicate to them and then respond appropriately to try to meet their needs.
Children are creatures of the present. They are always in the moment, and that's why they can be crying one minute and laughing the next. Their feelings can change in an instant, so it is important to explore what exactly Jack's tantrums are saying.
It may be useful to look at the nursery routine at the end of the day and at what Jack is doing when his mother arrives. If he is happily absorbed in something, then he is more likely to protest when he has to leave it. Is he in the middle of playing with his friends and doesn't want to leave? Does he feel he will be missing out on something? How does his mother approach him? Is she in a rush or anxious herself? All of these factors are worth considering, as they will impact on his experience.
Both hellos and goodbyes can be highly intense relational moments for adults and children as the child separates from you and reconnects with their parent. Such times need to be a positive experience for the child, as an abrupt end to something can be experienced as a sudden loss and can activate distress purely by the abruptness of it.
Try to imagine Jack's world from his perspective at that moment and acknowledge his feelings and their intensity. By recognising how traumatic he is finding this event, you are validating his experience, and by using a calm and soothing voice, making eye contact and ensuring you are at his level, you will help to calm his distress. Young children can feel very alone with their feelings, which is overwhelming and frightening for them.
By Jack's age, children can be encouraged to understand and express their needs as a way of becoming more independent. You could make a set of facial expression cards showing emotions such as sadness, happiness, anger and excitement, and use these with Jack during the day to encourage him to connect what he is feeling with the faces you are showing him and the words you are using.
You can affirm this to him by making such comments as 'I can see by your face you are looking happy and enjoying playing with the bricks'. This will help him to integrate the emotional vocabulary he needs to be able to express his feelings and support the development of his emotional regulation.
ROUTINE JOB
To help children to understand the concept of time, they need a sense of predictability in their day and need to know what is going to happen next.
If Jack's mother always comes to collect him at the same time, then you can help him prepare by referring to the clock as home-time approaches and saying, for example, 'When the big hand gets round to the 12, then Mummy will be here.'
Drawing his attention to the time will also help to involve him in the end-of-the-day routine, which you should treat as seriously as you do the settling-in process.
He could, for example, choose something to take home and look after overnight, such as a book or a teddy, in the same way as you might use a transitional object when a child is struggling to settle in. By letting him choose what to take, you are affirming to him that he is important and that his needs matter, as well as reassuring him that he will be coming back to nursery.
You could also involve him in a particular job at the end of each day - for example, tidying the bookshelf. This would work particularly well if his mother comes at the same time each day, as he could start to connect the task with her arrival. The predictability of the taks and his mother's arrival should help prepare him to go home more easily.
DIARY DATES
It would be useful to involve Jack in preparing a daily diary for his mum. You could ask, 'What would you like to tell Mummy about what you've done today?' Write the entry with him and ask if he would like to draw a picture in the diary too. He can take responsibility for handing the diary to his mother when she arrives, and you could encourage her to spend time looking at the diary and sharing the events of Jack's day with him. This will help to alleviate the divide between nursery and home that he appears to be experiencing, and help him feel more settled.
I would encourage you to meet with his mother on a separate occasion to:
- - discuss plans to address his reluctance to go home
- - reassure her while acknowledging and validating her feelings
- - find out how Jack responds to other separations such as leaving grandparents' or friends' houses, to gain greater insight into his world
- - check if there have been any recent changes at home, no matter how small, as what may seem insignificant and just part of life for an adult can be unsettling for a child.
- - suggest that she talks to Jack every morning about what they will do when he gets home after nursery and that she shares this with you when she brings him in - for example, 'When we get home tonight we'll set out your train set'. You can remind him of this throughout the day, which will reaffirm his sense of predictability and make him feel safe, as he knows what will happen next.
Young children can feel alone in their anguish, which, in turn, overwhelms them. If we don't respond to a child's distress and validate their experience, they may come to believe that painful feelings must be dealt with alone.
An essential part of a child's emotional development is gaining the ability to feel the pain of what is happening and acknowledge it, instead of bearing it in silence. Children can't achieve this without the help of caring adults who take their anguished crying seriously, soothe their distress and help them to develop effective stress response systems that will enable them to cope with challenges in later life.
Cath Hunter works as a freelance play therapist across primary schools in the north-west. She worked as a nursery nurse and childcare lecturer before qualifying as a play therapist in 2004. Visit www.therapeuticfamilyinterventions.co.uk
