Nannies are in a privileged position regarding family life. You are trusted with the children and the family home. Employers need to feel secure that you recognise privacy. Your responsibility is to ensure confidentiality for any family; it is not only an issue for the celebrity families. All parents have a right to expect that details of their family life do not become fuel for gossip.
But as a nanny you may face difficult decisions, sometimes dilemmas, about when it is appropriate to break confidentiality within any of the relationships that form part of your job.
What children say
Sometimes the children will tell you something and ask that you do not repeat it. You cannot give blanket promises of this kind, and it will help the children when you explain your reasons.
Four-year-old Joshua confides in you that he has made a lovely birthday card for his father. You can admire his handiwork and reassure him that you will not spoil things by mentioning the card to Dad. This is a 'happy secret' - better called a surprise.
On another day, Joshua confides an 'unhappy secret' - that he broke his Mum's favourite vase - but he asks you to say nothing. You can empathise with Joshua's feelings, but you need to find a way for him to tell. You might explain that Mum may be sad, even cross if Joshua earlier denied any responsibility. But parents prefer to know the truth, and they are unhappy if they cannot trust their children.
Children may confide in you about school problems: the spelling test, their anxiety about reading, or playground troubles. As a nanny, you share the care of children with their parents and they must not be left out of the loop. Perhaps you need to ask gently, 'How shall we tell Mum or Dad?'
Perhaps a child says, ' But Dad's so busy, he doesn't need to be worried.'
Even hard-pressed parents need to know what is happening in their children's lives and to be involved in the resolution of any problems.
What parents say
A nanny needs to work within a friendly relationship with parents. There can be many times when conversation helpfully ranges over their concerns about the children and you both discuss the best way forward.
But sometimes, you may be told secrets by one family member that cause you embarrassment or a conflict of loyalties. What happens if one parent starts to confide marital difficulties, even infidelities? You may feel glad or even flattered at the outset that another adult trusts you, takes you into their confidence, even asks for advice. But your professional life will be very uncomfortable if you become allied with one family member against another.
Sooner rather than later, you need to address the fact that the conversation has slid over a boundary. You might say, 'I'm uncomfortable about you telling me any more about... It puts me in an awkward position when...' You can be supportive by saying 'I appreciate that it is very difficult for you/you both at the moment...' But you must work to create a necessary distance with comments such as, 'I feel caught in the middle'
and, if necessary, 'Please don't ask me to tell untruths about where you are.'
Nannies and neighbours
Working as a nanny is sometimes a lonely job and your life with the children can be improved when you develop friendly contacts with other nannies or families in the neighbourhood. Such contacts can be an appropriate source of social support for you and also for the children, so long as you are sure they genuinely enjoy the company of the children from the other families.
You need to pay attention to confidentiality within a local network, and issues can arise in some rather different ways. For instance: * Perhaps another nanny or parent makes rude remarks about the children or the parents for whom you work. Where do your loyalties lie?
* Suppose a nanny, or another local parent, tries to pump you for personal information about the family or to get you to address problems with the parents that they do not want to tackle.
You may need to say firmly, 'I don't repeat anything private about any family that I know'. You are happy to pass on information messages, but you are not there to tell your employer that she is seen (allegedly) as too outspoken in parents' evenings at the local primary school. You might say, 'Please tell Lisa your concerns directly. I don't want to be a go-between.'
If another nanny or parent persists in trying to get you to break confidentiality, it's probably time to reduce the social contact. You may need to explain why if your employer says, 'You don't seem to be seeing much of so-and-so any more', without repeating every minor offhand remark to them. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself whether you yourself would wish to be told about this kind of rude remark or inquisitive behaviour.
The bottom line is that your loyalties should rest with the employing family.
Child protection
Serious concerns about children's wellbeing override confidentiality for all early years practitioners. Some nannies are faced with this kind of professional dilemma when they are worried about the behaviour of another nanny towards a child, but the situation can also arise within the employing family.
Nannies can be the most isolated of early years practitioners under these circumstances. However, your professional obligations are the same as anyone who is concerned that children may be at risk. Here are some broad guidelines:
* Your first step usually would be to talk with the other adult who is most involved. You might say to a parent, 'I'm really unhappy that you hit Harry sometimes. It makes it hard for me to tell you about anything he's done, when I know there's a good chance you'll punish Harry a second time.'
* You need to speak out if you observe that another nanny hits her charges, is neglectful or is very unkind to the children in words. You need to ensure that the nanny's employer knows what is happening. Depending on the relationship you have with them, you might approach that parent directly, or go through your own employer.
* Perhaps a child confides in you an incident that raises the possibility of some kind of abuse. Your first step would be in common with any other early years practitioner: to talk with the parents(s). You do not take a first step of phoning social services or the police child protection unit, unless what you know genuinely raises the fear that the child is at risk of significant and immediate harm.
* A conversation with parents under these circumstances will not be at all comfortable. But you have to raise your concerns with the family, bearing in mind that dubious adults are not always within the immediate family.
It may seem that nannies have few options for talking through a potential child protection issue, but: * You can, like any other concerned adult, phone the NSPCC in strict confidence.
* Some duty social workers will listen on the telephone and give advice, without insisting on being given names (local teams vary).
* You should be given support for child protection worries from the local early years professional network. You could try the support worker for the childminding network, the person who covers your area for the Early Years Directorate (Ofsted), or an early years advisor/teacher.
Case study
Tanya, who looks after Danny, has become increasingly uneasy about the behaviour of a fellow nanny, Alice, who looks after Chloe. Alice is now part of a nanny-share and seems to favour the children of the 'new' family over Chloe. Tanya has had to speak firmly to Alice in the past about how she talks in front of children. Danny is very fond of Chloe and this is the only reason Tanya has kept in social contact.
During the latest visit, Tanya feels unnerved by the way that Alice organises her work. The children are taken to her own flat, when each family thinks they are at the other home in the nanny-share. Alice's boyfriend is regularly present in either family home. Tanya has heard nothing that suggests abusive treatment, but the children do not seem to be a priority for Alice. When Tanya challenges Alice, she is told to mind her own business.
Tanya does not know Alice's employers well, so she talks that evening with her own employer, explaining her concerns. 'I'm not going to ignore this situation, but I wanted to run it past you first. You know Alice's employer, and I would like us to decide - do you say something, or should it be me?'
