Bye Bye Baby - helping new parents

Helping parents make the break when leaving their child with a new carer should make  life easier for everyone, writes Mary Evans

Finding suitable childcare is still the biggest barrier to mothers returning to work, according to a MORI poll of parents published last month in National Childcare Week. Collette Kelleher, director of the Daycare

Trust which commissioned the survey, said, 'Mothers who want to go back to work still find getting someone good to look after the children is a major problem.'

While the survey highlighted the problems of cost, it also underlined the importance of the relationship between parents and the carers with whom they entrust their children.

Childcare experts agree that carers should put themselves in a parents' shoes and try to understand how a mother feels when leaving a child for the first time. For new mother Mandy Wright, of Colchester, this factor influenced her choice of nursery for her seven-month old daughter Emma when she returned to work in April.

She rejected one nursery after a chance remark from a staff member. 'It was a lovely, bright place and everyone was enthusiastic, but there were no nursery nurses aged over 22. One asked me how Emma slept at night and then said none of them had children of their own. I didn't want to hand over my baby to people almost young enough to be my children.'

Instead she took Emma to Orchard Barns Kindergarten in Colchester, where proprietor Anita Huckle and her staff talk to parents to collate a profile of a new child so they know his or her routine, likes and dislikes. Mandy says, 'I was very impressed. On our first visit I said Emma liked marmite-flavoured rusks for her mid-morning snack. When we went back for our next visit they had bought a box. Before we started, they showed us which cot would be Emma's cot and she had a little stand in it. The lady who is looking after her is in her forties, which made  me feel a lot more comfortable.

'The first time I left her she was fine but it was hard for me. I don't mind going back to work because I have always enjoyed work - I just don't want to leave her.'

Child psychologist Jennie Lindon says parents often experience mixed emotions, from excitement at returning to work to worries about how their child will fare without them. They may also feel a bit guilty or even have stirrings of jealousy towards the carer.

'The carer should try to understand how the parent feels and be sensitive,' Jennie says. 'It is important for the parents and carer to build a working partnership as they are sharing the care of the child. They should talk together in an open and friendly way when passing over information so the child does not feel it is being passed about like a parcel.'

Dr Richard Woolfson, another child psychologist, advises parents and carers to have an integration period in the run-up to the mother's return to work so the child becomes accustomed to being left and collected. He suggests that on the first day of the placement the parent acts calmly, takes off the child's outdoor clothes, hands him or her over to the carer and then leaves after an affectionate, quick hug and kiss.

Dr Woolfson says, 'If you dally about you can make it worse. What does a three-old think when she sees her mum crying on the doorstep? It fills her with anxiety and dread. A child just doesn't need a daily drama.
'Parents should see it as a bonus if a child settles in quickly,' he adds. 'It shows they have a child they have made confident enough to cope with the world.'

But one of the trickiest problems for carers is what to do if a child becomes upset as the parent leaves. Lisa Porter, a nursery nurse in Bury, Lancashire, who chairs the Professional Association of Nursery Nurses committee, says, 'If a baby is crying, I would say to the parent 'Go and, if you want, stay outside the door for a few minutes to hear the baby settle'. Some children need a longer settling-in process, but it is not always possible for mum to come back into the nursery and settle the child if she has got to get off to work.'

Parents should feel free to telephone and ask after their children during the day. Finola Barr, co-proprietor of Oakfield Nursery School, Altrincham, says it is important not to just give bland reassurances but to check what the child is doing there and then and report back.

And carers should be prepared to contact parents in return. Jane McKeown, manager of Kids & Co nursery at Darlington Town Hall, promises parents that if a child fails to settle and becomes distressed she will contact them - though she has never had to with 128 babies who have been in her care. 'We tell the parents what their child has been doing and we can take photographs or even a video so they can see how they have settled in.'