We all have fears, and mostly we live with them and around them. Among my friends and family are people who are afraid of, or at least very anxious about, spiders and snakes, lifts, bridges, the London Underground, taxis, security and fire alarms, heights, flying, cheese and tofu, mushrooms...and that's just the grown-ups.
If I add the fears of children I know, there are dogs, horses, monsters, ghosts, lightning, someone outside the window, daddy longlegs, all runny foods like sauces, soups and yoghurt, the dark, the light, murderers, kidnappers... the list goes on and on.
Are these fears rational or irrational? Who is to say? I expect we have all tried to persuade someone that their fear is irrational. Think of the times, for example, that you hear people tell someone with a fear of flying that they are far more likely to die in a car crash than aeroplane crash. I have never known that argument to change anyone's fear of flying.
Nor have I known children to stop being afraid of monsters even when told by adults that monsters don't exist. Having said that, children may feel a bit reassured to learn that adults are not frightened of monsters. Adults do have an important role to play in helping children deal with their fears and anxieties, but it can sometimes be difficult to know how best to go about it.
CAUSES OF ANXIETY
Fears and anxieties are natural and useful for survival. A hungry and wildly crying three-week-old or three-month-old baby is communicating both its need to be fed and its fear that it will die if it isn't fed. Babies and children are entirely dependent on their parents and other adults for their physical survival and emotional well-being. Impatient and demanding young children may appear badly behaved and controlling at times, but they are driven by their needs and have to find ways to get the adults around them to fulfil these needs.
It is also natural and developmentally healthy for young children to split people, things and experiences into 'good' and 'bad'. The bad things are to be avoided, the good ones embraced. Children have intense likes and dislikes, and these may sometimes be inconvenient for us. Particularly when starting nursery, children often seek out their preferred adult, who may not be their keyworker.
Some children will only eat white bread and butter. Some refuse to use soap. Some will only play in one area. This can be understood as a way of dealing with the anxieties about a new setting, new rules, new adults and separating from their mother or main carer. Some children hang on to these behaviours for a long time, as a way of helping themselves feel more secure.
In a group setting, it can be particularly difficult with certain children who seem fearful of lots of things, unwilling to try new foods, new games, new relationships. If a child has one particular fear, it may actually be a good way for her to manage her anxieties. But a child whose fears disable her socially needs some assessment, starting with a conversation with her parents about what may be going on at home.
Children's fears are usually about profound anxieties that we all have - the fear of being abandoned or unloved, our loved ones dying. These worries may attach themselves to anything, from a monster to a phobia about a particular food, or the plughole in the sink. This can be seen as an attempt to reduce the fear to a manageable size. It also explains why children's fears often cannot be reasoned away.
