A Grief is a difficult thing for young children to understand. They are aware that someone important has been lost and that the adults around them are feeling powerful emotions, but they are not old enough to grasp the permanence of the absence in their lives and tend to assume that the person who has died has 'gone away' but will come back soon. This inability to conceive of death as an irreversible loss can lead them to feel 'separation anxiety' and confusion. They feel compelled to search for the lost person and repeatedly ask, 'Where have they gone and when will they be coming back?'
In many cases, children at the nursery stage of development will do things that show that they want to restore their loss by getting the dead person back and returning life to the way it was before they went away. Other children find the experience so destabilising that they become withdrawn and listless as their minds wrestle with a concept that they cannot understand. Alternatively, they may cry or be especially clingy or show anger that someone has gone away and not come back. Many of the adults who surround the child will be consumed by their own overwhelming feelings, and the day-to-day care the child receives may be less consistent than it usually is, which further exacerbates the child's sense that the world is definitely not right and has become unsettling and alarming.
How to help
There are a number of things that you can do at your setting that will help bereaved children and others to come to understand that death is unavoidable, universal and final, and that we must all learn to cope with the strong feelings of loss that the death of a loved one entails. You can also show the children that these deep feelings are natural.
The best way to lead young children through the minefield of bereavement is to take them into story-world and look at the experience of grief through the eyes of the characters. Stories are particularly useful because they provide a safe place in which children can talk about subjects that concern them without having to describe their own personal experience.
The golden rule of therapeutic storytelling is to stay with the story, because stories have a magic all of their own and make children feel safe.
This is partly because they know that stories have a beginning, a middle and an end and, therefore, although the story may be about something sad and difficult, the problems and emotions will be dealt with in a manageable and time-restrained way.
Stories provide a natural starting point for raising questions and for discussing experiences and actions. They distance the listeners emotionally to a sufficient degree to side-step their anxiety and confusion. Staying with the story protects the child and provides an essential sense of safety for them.
The golden rule that you should 'stay with the story' means that you do not need to ask the children to make links with their real lived experience.
You do not need to ask, 'Who sees themselves in this story?' Has something like this ever happened to you? Does anyone want to tell us about how it felt when their relative died?' If you do this, you take away the sense of safety that the story is providing and make the experience dangerous instead of calming and therapeutic.
Stay with the characters and ask questions like, 'Why do you think that the little girl in the story is feeling so sad?' 'What might the little girl do if she is feeling confused and lost?' 'Do you think that drawing the picture of grandma will help the little girl?'
There are some excellent books written specifically for children that you can use, including:
* Badger's Parting Gifts by Susan Varley uses a community of animals who experience the death of their friend, Badger, though the gifts he leaves for them. Discuss how each different animal responds to their bereavement and each one's memories and feelings of loss.
* Old Pig by Margaret Wild describes the last days shared by Old Pig and granddaughter as they prepare for his death. It is about how he says goodbye to the world. Introduce the idea of the finality of death by asking the children if they understand that he will not return to a world that he so clearly loves.
* The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams is a more complex story with a fantastical ending, but it deals with issues of loss and moving on.
* Grandpa by John Burningham tells us about a child's relationship with his grandfather. The loss of Grandpa is unwritten but made dramatic through a picture of an empty chair. 'Why is the chair empty?' 'Where do you think that Grandpa has gone?' 'Do you think he will be able to come back?'
* The Kite and Caitlin by Roger McGough is sensitively written, but read it through a few times before using it with children, because it describes something that we all find difficult - the death of a child.
* Michael Rosen's Sad Book models ways in which we express difficult feelings and helps readers to accept their uniqueness and right to feel.
Before sharing the books, it is important to read all the books and discuss them with the adults who know the children well.
Be honest
We all need honesty and information, and young children are no exception.
Even difficult truths are better than feeling shut out from something so important. If young children are denied information, they will fill the gaps with fantasy that adds to their confusion and sense of isolation.
Information needs to be age-related and sensitive to the fact that you are not directly involved in the grief.
Use your professional judgement and allow yourself to be led by the child.
If they ask for information, then give it carefully and objectively, but make sure that you don't overstep the mark by wading in too earnestly. You will only frighten the child, and he will become defensive and wary if you get too emotional.
If a child has feelings that clearly need to be released, invite them to draw or paint pictures of, or for, the relative they have lost. Let them play hospitals or find a doll that could represent 'grandma', for example, and let them act out any scenes that are troubling them. You could even give them some musical instruments to make a tune for their lost relative and let out their anger and pain. Stand nearby while they are doing this kind of activity - you don't need to say much, but can allow your approach to be invitational but not directive. Children need to have space to work through conflicting emotions in their own way at a speed that they can control and feel safe with.
Jenny Mosley is the founder and director of Quality Circle Time. Ross Grogan is a children's author and member of Jenny Mosley Consultancies'
research and writing
