Every day in this country, approximately 650 children will hear that their parents are separating or divorcing (Daily Mail, June 2004). Single-parent and reconstituted families are so much a part of society that it is easy to forget the impact that divorce can have on children. While there is now little social stigma attached to divorce in the outside world, in their own internal world a child may feel ashamed, guilty, distressed and anxious.
There are, of course, as many ways of children reacting to their parents'
divorce as there are children. Adults should not jump to conclusions about how a child may react, but they also need to hold in mind that divorce can have a powerful effect on any child.
Much will depend on how the parents manage the issue themselves. There is all the difference in the world between warring parents who constantly denigrate each other in an attempt to get the children to take their side, and parents who work hard to try to maintain a united couple, putting the children's needs first and trying hard not to overexpose their differences or hostilities to them. It will also depend on how simple, honest and age-appropriate are the facts and explanations given to the child.
ALL CHANGE
As professionals working with children, we need to be aware that divorce is an unpredictable business. We also need to keep in mind that for a child, there is no good enough reason why their parents should separate.
When parents divorce, children have to say goodbye to something which they had believed was solid, predictable and permanent. They have to accept that their lives have changed irrevocably and things are never going to be the same again. And so the first task for adults, be they parents or professionals, is to help the children to accept the reality of the divorce - but also to help them to make the best of it so it doesn't spoil everything else in their lives.
Adults sometimes go to extremes over children's reactions, tending either to presume that their whole world has been completely shattered, or think that they are relatively unaffected. It can be just as unhelpful to presume that every change in the child's behaviour is due to the divorce as it is to assert boldly that the children are unaffected or even much happier. Of course, there are extremes in children's behaviour too - some may be traumatised, while others may seem more content because they are no longer living in a domestic war zone.
COMPLEX REACTIONS
Children process life events at their own pace. Some children will react instantly, such as the nine-year-old girl who arrived at club sobbing, 'My parents are cut up... I mean split up.' Others may appear to take the divorce in their stride for a long time before another incident triggers a crisis.
Eight-year-old Rav's parents divorced when he was four years old, since when he had gradually lost touch with his father. He had been attending after-school club since he began school. John was a constant staff member during this time, and Rav became distraught when John announced he was leaving. Rav was inconsolable for weeks, crying, 'I'll never see him again, I'll never see him again.'
What became clear was that by saying goodbye, John had reawakened Rav's distress at saying goodbye to his father. He was now able to express his sadness for the first time. So it is important to take the long- term view and be alert to any delayed reaction.
Children between four and seven years old still tend to see themselves as the centre of their world and assume that they are the cause or effect of all their life events. When asked why he thought his father had left, Rav replied, 'I don't know, but I think I was naughty.' This reply came in spite of the fact that he had been given age-appropriate facts at the time.
Children who feel they are the cause of the divorce may try very hard to be 'good' and not show their true feelings, for fear of causing more trouble.
Such children may become quiet and withdrawn, sleeping and eating poorly, and their schoolwork may suffer. Sometimes they might even resort to petty pilfering as a way of showing that they feel they have been robbed of something emotional and they want to steal it back.
Such children may become cautious in relationships with adults, scanning adults' faces constantly in an attempt to read their mood or behaviour.
This was highlighted to one playworker after she returned to club having missed three sessions for illness. As she entered the room, she saw seven-year-old Daisy's face light up. Daisy began to rush towards her and then stopped in her tracks, looking uncertain, and then stood still in an almost ashamed manner until the playworker approached her.
Older children in club may feel more angry than sad. They live in a world of comparisons - who has what, who can do what, who has the best, who has the most.
Eleven-year-old Martin didn't want to attend holiday club the year his parents separated. 'It's so not fair,' he raged, 'I don't want people to know my home is split up.' Such children may experience their share of guilt and sadness, but most of all they are likely to feel that they have been singled out for a raw deal. You may find them in an almost permanent state of outrage - everything is 'so not fair'. As Martin's playworker said, 'If I choose him to do something I'm picking on him; if I don't choose him it's because I don't like him!'
Sometimes one child can carry all the distress, grief and anxiety for the other children in the family. By becoming the 'unhappy one' (or even 'the happy one') in the family, they can free the other children to get on with their lives. The older sibling in a family of three children referred to me at such a time explained that they had come to see me, 'cos of Philip, he's naughty. Philip's upset 'cos he misses his mum.'
'Is it only Philip who misses his mum?' I asked.
'Yes,' he said quickly, 'Well... no... not really,' he swallowed hard, 'but Philip misses his mum.'
The other two children didn't need to think about the less satisfactory aspects of their parents' divorce, as Philip was doing it for them. As time went on, the balance was redressed with the other two feeling a little more sad, freeing Philip from his role of 'the problem' and he began to enjoy life a bit more.
SUPPORTING CHILDREN
Children need facts in order to make sense of emotional situations.
Paradoxically, in emotional situations, there are no absolute facts. But children need to be reassured that divorce is 'adult business' and that nothing they have said or done would cause their parents to separate.
It is important to share your concerns with the parents. In doing so, you will need to remember that it is almost impossible to give parents any support in helping their child without increasing their guilt and anxiety about the children, or without implying that it was not in the children's best interests for them to separate! Try to find out how the parents are coping and whether or not they would like professional help.
In divorce, families have to find out how they want to be together and the ways in which this can be managed. Sometimes you can help by making a 'life book' with the child, telling the story of their life up to the divorce, including what they did and didn't enjoy doing with their parents until then, and then get them to draw or imagine the story of their future life with their parents. This can be painful, for it seems as though all children, however old they are, harbour the desire that their parents will one day get back together. You can explain to the child that there is nothing wrong with wanting and wishing this but that it is not going to happen. It is important that such a longing does not become a permanent preoccupation.
Allow the child to feel whatever they are feeling. This may seem obvious, but adults can be overwhelmed in the face of children's sadness and distress. We may find ourselves making tremendous efforts to distract or cheer them up. Children must be allowed to express exactly how it feels for them and to have those feelings heard and understood. If a child feels that what is real to them is real to you, then they are linked to life, the world and meaningful relationships.
Andrea Clifford-Poston is an educational therapist and author of The Secrets of Successful Parenting - Understand what your child's behaviour is really telling you (How-To Books, 9.99)
