Last month ('To the letter', 22 September) we looked at establishing pro-social behaviours, referring to concepts such as clarity and consistency. This article addresses behaviour that is more difficult, but once again many helpful words and phrases begin with 'C'.
Chances to comply
Not many people react well to being asked to do something immediately.
Young children may be absorbed in what they are doing, easily distracted or fiercely independent and resistant to direction, so take this into account and give reminders before reprimands. The 'I am going to count to three'
strategy and its variations can be useful if they add lightness and give some control back to the child. Acknowledging ability rather than compliance when the child begins to respond increases motivation to co-operate.
Getting out of corners
Strong-willed individuals can be particularly stroppy if they are tired or distressed. Avoid fuelling conflict by ensuring that a child does not 'lose face'. You can do this in several ways:
* check understanding or say something in a different way
* ask what would help
* offer to do something with them or invite another child to help
* suggest space to calm down or perhaps get a drink.
This does not mean children are 'let off' but that they are met half way.
Conflict management
If a child makes demands you consider to be unreasonable ask them to suggest alternatives, or state possible ways forward yourself, as a starting point for negotiation. This encourages problem-solving rather than simply asserting control. It is important the child realises, however, that 'upping the ante' to get their own way will not be successful. Capitulation in such circumstances does not teach children good conflict management - it teaches them to manipulate and will reinforce behaviour you don't want.
Connect with feelings
Challenging behaviour can be 'reframed' as a communication about feelings.
When you are upset about something you may just want to have your response acknowledged as valid. Reasoning with anyone in a highly emotional state is not likely to be effective and it may be more useful to simply acknowledge what they are trying to communicate.
For example, Cleo came into the nursery looking miserable. She had only been there a few minutes before she was screaming at Philip and pushing him. Sally, the early years worker, knelt down between Cleo and Philip.
'You are upset Cleo. Philip didn't mean to upset you,' she said. Cleo collapsed in tears and Sally was able to offer her some comfort. When Cleo had calmed down Sally talked to her about her behaviour. It transpired that Cleo and her mother were both tired and that tempers had frayed on the way to the centre. Cleo understood that it was unfair to take it out on Philip and showed him she was sorry.
If children's feelings are not 'heard' their behaviour may deteriorate.
Once feelings have been acknowledged and validated, difficult behaviour often diminishes. In the longer term, teaching children a 'language for feelings' helps them to use words rather than fists or feet, and drawing this out is a way of listening to their emotions.
Stay calm but concerned
We all tend to mirror the emotions of others around us and children in particularly look to significant adults for reference points. This means that if we respond to anger with anger it escalates, but if we are calm children often settle down. You can demonstrate calmness, even if you don't feel it, by speaking in a low, slow voice and not invading the child's space. Modelling deep breathing may also help.
Being calm does not mean being bland. This is an opportunity to show the child you recognise their distress and that it matters to you. Showing faith in the child's ability to regain self-control is also helpful.
Communicate
It is rarely helpful to ask children 'why' they did something and some learn that this gains them attention as you try to get to the bottom of things. It is more useful to ask 'what happened here?' and 'what do you think should happen now?' Rather reserve quality attention for positive behaviour.
Care
Most children have a vested interest in pleasing adults who care about them. Demonstrations of care include words used in reprimand. Using 'I statements' is not accusatory, does not label the child and can acknowledge their better selves. For example, 'I am cross and upset that you kicked Mehmet. I would feel the same if someone hurt you. I know you are able to be a friendly person. What might you do to make Mehmet feel better? What would you want to happen if it was you who got hurt?'
Few children are happy when they have expressed anger or hurt and restorative justice practices suggest that most people prefer a sense of fair play, so ask how children might 'do or show sorry' rather than just say sorry.
Comfort
Emotional distress is wearing. We can help a child who has displayed challenging behaviour by helping to identify what comforts them, such as a blanket or special toy. Time out as a choice is also valuable. Some centres have 'soft areas' that double as 'thinking' or 'safe' zones for children who need time to settle before they can behave well within the group again.
Choice of consequences
This strategy is best reserved for when nothing else works. Describe a positive outcome first, 'If you help clear up the mess you've made you will be able to go and play with the others.' Then provide an alternative that fits the situation. 'If you just sit being grumpy you will have to stay here while I clear up and won't be able to go outside. Think about it. What do you want to do?' Offer the choice, state the consequence chosen and then follow through.
Both positive and negative consequences need immediate action. Expecting young children to wait for either reduces their significance. And do not suggest anything impractical as the impact depends on doing what you say, not the severity of the sanction.
A question of control
Although clear expectations are important and children feel secure when an adult can be relied on to take charge, too much imposed control does not encourage children to take responsibility for their behaviour. These strategies enable children to think through the impact of their actions and to make choices. They also preserve caring relationships without accepting the unacceptable. NW
Sue Roffey is senior lecturer in educational psychology at the University of Western Sydney and the author of Helping With Behaviour, published by Routledge in association with Nursery World (13.99)
