The idea that maternal instinct compels every mother to love her baby is a dangerous assumption, as it causes immeasurable guilt on those occasions when something gets in the way.
In fact, the caregiving system is both fallible and fragile. Many adverse influences can impinge below the level of awareness, and their cumulative effect may sabotage the relationship between mother and baby. I've worked with many such situations and have found it helpful to think in evolutionary terms. From this perspective we all make unconscious decisions that in our natural environment would have led to reproductive success.
Hidden in our minds is the emotional legacy and decision-making equipment of parents who had to ensure that at least one child made it to reproduce.
In most instances of a lack of maternal bonding that I have known, the baby has been premature. There is usually a huge difference between the ideas that mothers build about the baby during pregnancy and the shocking reality of the birth. Prematurity alone might awaken an atavistic response that could lead to abandonment. The expectation that the child will die, in spite of the reassurances of technology, means that any commitment is less likely to have a (genetic) pay-off. Also, because of this technology, there can be a lack of closeness between mother and baby for weeks following birth, an enforced abandonment, which can keep scary fantasies from being moderated by reality. Logical reassurance is not enough.
The pressure increases if there are other young children in the family, because in our 'environment of evolutionary adaptiveness' the difference between having two or three infants to feed may have been a question of selective survival.
Premature babies frequently have regulatory disorders, which makes them difficult to understand and comfort. Sometimes a mother feels overwhelmed by the challenges raised by her child, who is not responding in the way she expects. This can cause an emotional withdrawal.
These are all influences that we can try to minimise, and removing guilt is always the first step.
Robin Balbernie is a consultant child psychotherapist in Gloucestershire The very best way to help is to encourage 'kangaroo care' as quickly as possible.
