Identifying children's relationships with the adults in their home is no longer a matter of Bob's your uncle, says Mary Evans
Family life in Britain today is often much more complicated than the domestic image of the nuclear family as portrayed by the 'Janet and John' books where two children live with their married parents.
Early years professionals need to be sensitive to cope with the wide variety of family groupings that occur nowadays without causing embarrassment or offence. Playing ostrich and deliberately choosing not to know about a child's domestic background is not a viable option. Settings need to ascertain basic facts when a child is enrolled, such as the names and contact details of the parents, guardians or carers and anyone else who might collect the child.
Child psychologist Jennie Lindon says she would also expect a setting to find out about children's background and their carers as part of the process of forming a relationship with the children and their families. However, the way in which settings obtain the information is crucial. She says the key is to be open and courteous in what you say and in your tone and body language.
'When an adult comes in to enrol a child and you are filling out the forms together, you can ask their name and the child's name and check the pronunciation and spellings. This is not the time to ask lots of intrusive questions. For example, if the person in front of you is a man and he says he is the child's main carer you don't say, "Where's his mother?" You have to be sensitive and aware.'
Sandra Hutchinson, proprietor of the Primley Park Nursery chain in Leeds, says, 'When people come in to register their children I sit them down with a cup of coffee and make it very relaxed. As we go through the form I chat to them so it is not all heavy and official. I ask the child's name and details and their name.
'I have a lot of single mums and the children have their father's name. We also have a lot of married mums who are professionals, doctors and solicitors. They often do not use their partners' names but use their own professional names. We have not had a child with parents of the same gender, but I think we will have shortly. I just always ask the same questions in a soft way.
Jean Richards, proprietor of Scotlands Ash Day Nursery in West Hagbourne, Oxfordshire, believes that children's home environment is as much a part of their culture as their religion or ethnic origin. 'It should be respected and valued just as you would respect their religion or country of origin.' She says that a child is not so much aware that his home is conventional or unconventional but that it is his home.
'I think children are a lot more resilient than we give them credit for. When they are very young, they don't see the overall picture. They see life from day to day.'
She says it can be helpful for nursery staff to know when a family is splitting up. 'Information like a family break-up is shared with the senior staff on a need-to-know basis. It is not something to be gossiped about but used as information, to perhaps explain why a child is not behaving as usual. When you know the reason you still have to cope with the child's changed behaviour.'
Jennie Lindon says that if a child suddenly starts talking about a new person in their lives you could ask who the person is so that you can better follow the child's conversation. 'At going-home time you can always say, "He was talking very excitedly about so and do. That's a new name to me, or I hadn't heard him talk about him/her before, who's that?"
If someone new arrives with the mother or father to collect the child, you should not make assumptions, Jennie says. 'Don't shout across the room saying "Jamie, your dad is here" unless you know it is his dad. What you can do is say, "Jamie, it is home time now. Look who has come for you, who is that?" Or, "I don't know his name, or what do you call him?"'
Allan Bishop, who with his wife Janet owns and runs the Kinder Groups nursery chain, says children are not fazed if one of their group announces that he has two dads or two mums. 'If a child says something like "I have got two dads", the sort of reply you will hear is another child saying, "Well, I've got two grandads. So there". They can get competitive - one can say "I've got two mums," and another will say "I've got six uncles" just because he doesn't want to be outdone.'
Jennie Lindon points out that younger, inexperienced staff might need to be told about the diversity of family life to prevent them making wrong assumptions, such as thinking that an older parent is the child's grandparent or that a father's male partner is the child's uncle. Staff also need to know how to cope if they do make a wrong assumption, as a clumsy correction can cause almost more offence than the original faux pas.
Jennie says, 'If you inadvertently make a mistake, you can recover from it by dealing with it in an open and courteous way. Say, "Sorry. I got that wrong. Please could you put me right". People need to be flexible. It is a very different situation nowadays from a generation ago when a child whose parents were not together lived in an unusual family situation and might feel odd. That is not likely to happen now, as there is so much diversity.'
Nursery managers must ensure all their staff adopt a similar, non-judgemental approach. Jennie says, 'If anyone in the team seems to have a blunt assumption about what a "proper family" is, they need to be taken carefully in hand. I would hope that would not need to happen.'
