A baby soon begins to discover his or her body, express tastes and preferences, reach out to a toy that becomes a favourite - and become identifiable as a person distinct from parents or siblings. We hear it referred to all the time: Johnny dislikes vegetables and prefers puddings, but his brother never ate anything sweet; Susie loves to have her back washed with a soft sponge, whereas Jess wanted to be left to splash in the bath without interference.
Parents make these observations and distinctions very early on, noticing the particular traits of each child and fine-tuning their responses. The effect is to give the child a place and an identity in the family, to recognise characteristics and peculiarities that are the individual stamp of each particular family member.
BECOMING AN INDIVIDUAL
The baby also goes through an internal process of becoming an individual, noticing what is happening inside their body, communicating states of feeling through facial expressions and gestures, seeking pleasure, exploring and trying to satisfy their curiosity about what is perceived and felt. Gradually they want to have more control over what happens, and every effort is made to make the adults understand what is wanted and liked.
Communication becomes increasingly effective and the infant learns that they can evoke certain responses in adults, through a smile, a cry, or giving an object to the adult, expecting something in exchange. This is the very earliest form of sharing - giving and receiving with parents.
Caregivers offer new experiences, watching for the child's reaction, coaxing the reticent child to try it, or modifying something to make it more acceptable. As the child gets older, offers are made that take into account the child's wishes, such as 'one more spoonful of vegetables and then you can have pudding', or 'one more story before the lights go out'. Gradually, the child claims ownership of his feelings and experiences, and begins to gain a sense of self, distinguishing himself from others, becoming 'me'.
WHAT SOMEONE ELSE HAS
Rivalries and jealousy emerge with parents and siblings, and ambivalent feelings become very powerful. As a toddler, the child might feel torn between wanting to be the baby cuddled up to mummy, or wanting to act like an older child going off to play more independently. This is also reflected in the increased exploration and play with toys. The child can be drawn away from the pleasure of playing with one thing by curiosity about what someone else is doing; this is a natural expansion of their interests.
Parents often feel exasperated by their child's seemingly never-ending wish to play with whatever someone else has. They try to compensate with something else, but it just won't do, the child wants what they see another child has. Why is this so persistent?
Anything a child does is invested with meaning by the environment in which the event takes place. We have all noticed children saying, 'Look, mummy, look!' when they come upon something that catches their attention. The mother who looks and comments on what has interested the child is adding her own interest and validating the child's curiosity.
The object of the child's excitement cannot exist in a vacuum, it is given a context of meaning by the mother's response. In the same way, when a child sees another holding a toy, their interest is aroused because the toy becomes a meaningful object once someone else has shown an interest in it. If the other child drops the toy, it ceases to have the same meaning and can be ignored.
At the same time, a young child is just developing a sense of time, and finds it hard to put off immediate gratification of a wish or curiosity; the frustration cannot be endured for very long. In the effort to find out and define things about themselves children cannot yet fully understand that others also have feelings that must be taken into account. Sharing and taking turns with other children is very different from what happens with parents, who might endure and tolerate their own frustration in an attempt to give the child an enjoyable time.
TODDLERS AT PLAY
Here are a few examples of toddlers at a playgroup where the question of sharing is the focus.
Stephanie, aged two, and her mother arrive at the playgroup and go to the bookshelf to choose a book. They sit and read it happily. Later, Stephanie enjoys playing with playdough. Near the end of the session she is pushing a buggy and another child tries to take it from her. She collapses into tears, her mother cuddles her and says it is time to go, and tells her about going to grandma's. Stephanie looks happier as they leave.
Stephanie enjoyed having her mother read and play with her, even though she sometimes looked with interest at the other children. She did not need to have anyone else involved, she could be in her own world and the toys were 'hers' to play with. Near the end of the time, she became aware that she would have to give up the pleasure of playing, as she noticed the adults tidying up. The last straw was having the buggy yanked away from her. Now everything was being spoiled: her uninterrupted time with her mother, and her sense of ownership of the place and the toys. The intrusion of others' decisions and demands upset her. Her mother helped her endure her sadness by engaging her interest and telling her that they were going to grandma's.
Alan, also aged two, does not get upset when another boy takes the small trains from his hands. He just looks startled, and backs away. He starts playing on his own with a serious expression on his face.
Alan did not seek his mother's help. He preferred to withdraw from the conflict and seek his own solution, thus avoiding the painful reality that other children could take away what he was enjoying. His mother is very controlling and perhaps this makes it hard for Alan to be more assertive.
On another occasion Sandra, age two, is sitting inside a big red car, enjoying a pretend drive. Jimmy, aged 14 months, tries to pull the door open to clamber in. His three-year-old sister, Alice, is standing nearby, looking on. Sandra is upset when her mother insists that she give Jimmy a turn in the car, saying she could have a ride in another car. Sandra turns towards a blue car, and wants to get in, but as soon as Alice notices her, she hurls herself into the blue car.
In addition to the conflict between the two children wanting to be the 'owner' of the big red car, Alice and Sandra both wanted the blue car, which Alice had not been very interested in until that moment. Her decision to dive into the car when Sandra approached seemed to reflect Alice's jealousy of her little brother.
In these examples the children are beginning to notice others and are just taking on board the complex question of being able to give up ownership of something in exchange for another satisfaction. Sometimes avoiding the confrontation is necessary if there is no help from an adult, or if the child is too frightened of their own aggressive feelings. Sharing implies an experience of trusting in good experience and the capacity to endure frustration in order to obtain gratification.
This article is based on a Nursery World 'Behaviour' series by psychologists at the Anna Freud Centre in north London, a registered charity, offering treatment, training and research into emotional development in childhood
