'In our nursery, we have a three-year-old boy who whines continually. He wants a toy that another child has; he doesn't want his lunch ... and so the day continues. Why do some children whine? What can you do to stop it? And is there, indeed, anything to prevent it from happening at all?'
I am sure many readers will identify with the writer of this problem, as 'whining' is something that nearly all young children do. In fact, a search on Google for whining in young children produces more than a million hits. However, whining is not confined to children. We have all met adults who whine - and teenagers can be masters of the art. For example, 'Why do I have to do the washing-up', 'Why can't I go out', and so on.
As adults (or teenagers), we perhaps don't see this as whining, but there are definite similarities - we feel frustrated, we want to be noticed and we want someone to listen, and recognising that whining has a purpose can help us begin to understand how to respond to the child.
The tone of voice when a child is whining is certainly irritating, but it is also effective, as it draws an adult's attention - which is what the child may want. Perhaps the level of irritation will also be mitigated a little if we realise that the whine is a combination of speaking and crying.
If we think about this further, we can see how the whining tone can be so prevalent in twoto four- year-olds, because their vocabulary may be emerging but their ability to put feelings into words is still at an early stage.
Toddlers may be unaware of how they are 'whining', but they will certainly be aware of the response to the behaviour - that is, they get the attention they want. And herein lies the clue as to how to deal with the child who has learnt that whining works.
As we know, any behaviour is a result of feeling, experience, understanding and context, plus adult interpretation of the meaning of what the child is doing. So if we break down whining into its components, we can begin to gain some insight into what triggers it.
A first step might be to think about the adult's response to the child. In other words, what actually happens when the child in a particular instance wants another child's toy or doesn't want to eat lunch? How do the adults behave, both as individuals and as a group? If the child succeeds in obtaining the toy, does he then involve one or more adults in persuasion and negotiation? If so, how wonderful for the child - these adults focusing entirely on him and his requests!
Do any of the adults express their irritation, or do they try to distract the child? Do the adults respond in the same way to the child at these times?
Again, to take the lunch example, does he get offered alternatives or find again that an adult is entirely focused on persuading him to eat his lunch? In either case, he is winning the battle for attention but in a negative way, as he is learning that whining gets him what he wants, or, rather, what the child may feel he wants at that particular moment.
If this child is actively seeking attention through whining, the adults will need to provide him with the attention he wants so badly but in much more positive ways - for example, he is 'noticed' when he demonstrates kindness or a skill or completes a task.
It may be helpful for the practitioners to find out whether he whines at home in a similar way and how his demands are met there.
CONTEXT
This brings me to context. Although the practitioners say that this boy whines 'continuously', they particularly highlight the toy and lunch situations, and it may be useful to carry out observations to see if there are situations where the whining is more prominent or persistent. For example, many children begin to whine when they feel tired or are on the cusp of crying - remember that the 'whine' is a mix of speech and suppressed crying - and so it may be possible to highlight opportune moments when sensitive intervention could prevent, or at least minimise, the occurrence of this child's distress.
This brings me to the child's feelings. I suspect that he is far from feeling content and confident when he is continuously engaged in trying to attract the adults' attention in this fashion.
Careful observation might highlight the times when the child seems happier and more confident, and so these occasions may again provide a framework of opportunity to give him attention and affection and build up his confidence.
If we reflect on this further, his whining to get another child's toy or avoid lunch and so on suggests that he does not feel confident in achieving what he wants. Does he feel, for example, that he can approach another child to request the toy or play alongside? Is it every lunchtime, or might he not like some foods but simply doesn't know how to deal with the situation in any other way? How does this child relate to his peers?
Three-year-olds generally are more able to play with other children, especially in role play, although they may prefer to play alone at times. It may be useful to think about whether he has playmates or seems excluded, and so his behaviour is a way of being included by asking for others' toys.
The other components to consider are his experience - it may well be that he has learned that this behaviour does work - and his understanding. The latter, of course, is based on the responses he has received so far and the success or otherwise of this strategy. He is only three years old or 36 months of age.
If we remind ourselves of a child's age in months, we realise just how young this child is and that he is simply trying to deal with the situations around him in the best way that he knows how. For him, the 'best way' is when he begins to feel more comfortable through the responses of the adults around him. If he has learned that his behaviour brings him the attention he wants, helping to soothe the anxious feeling he has inside, then this is what is important to him - even if it amounts to behaviour that adults find annoying.
The key, therefore, is to help the child learn a different way of getting attention, of gaining in confidence and in relationships with others. It is important to realise that this behaviour is common and that the response of adults will prove crucial in how the child learns to deal with frustrations, fears, anxieties and disappointments. Their continuing compassion will help this child find a more positive way of dealing with his feelings in difficult situations.
Dr Maria Robinson is an early years consultant and author of From Birth to One and Child Development from Birth to Eight: A journey through the early years (Open University Press). Her Nursery World series on child development can be accessed online at: www.nurseryworld.co.uk/go/guides
FURTHER READING
- Berry Brazelton T, Sparrow JD (2006) Touchpoints birth to three. Cambridge, Massachusetts, Merloyd Lawrence
- Read V (2010) Developing attachment in early years settings. Abingdon, Routledge
- Robinson M (2010/2011) Understanding behaviour and development in the early years. Routledge (in press)
If you have a behaviour query for Maria Robinson, please write to Ruth Thompson at Nursery World, 174 Hammersmith Road, London W6, or email ruth.thomson@haymarket.com.
