In our nursery, we have a three-year-old who is constantly stealing equipment. His mum is getting embarrassed when each morning she returns whatever he has taken home the day before, and even though we've told him that taking things is wrong he continues to do it. The things he takes are usually small items like Lego or even puzzle pieces, but often it's a particular car. How can we stop him doing it?
Stealing and lying are, without a doubt, wrong but can we call what this little boy is doing 'stealing' or 'lying'? At what age do children actually know the difference between right and wrong and what is yours and what is mine? In England, Wales and Northern Ireland, the age of criminal responsibility is ten and in Scotland it is 12.
Jean Piaget believed that children's moral development is linked to their cognitive development. He held that young children can only view the world through their own eyes and saw moral development in several stages:
- Pre-moral (birth to three years), where the child has little concept of morality or rules
- Heteronomous morality or moral realism (four to ten years), where the child believes that the naughtier the behaviour the greater the punishment should be
- Autonomous morality or moral relativism (ten years onwards), where the child now has a more flexible view of rules and morality, with the belief that the punishment should fit the crime and where consequences are more important than the action.
Lawrence Kohlberg, a follower of Piaget, described the first level of moral development as Preconventional Morality, the stage between the age of two and seven or eight, when the child is too young to have any moral judgement. He believed that children only judge what is good or bad and right or wrong through the consequences it will have for them - in other words, 'Will I be punished?' This later develops into the question 'Will I be rewarded?' His research confirms that a three-year-old cannot really understand the idea of 'theft'.
IT'S MINE
So, let us look at the reasons why this little boy is taking things home. Many young children will take an item because they truly believe everything belongs to them, or that they are simply borrowing it. In most other cases, children will take something because they just want it. Perhaps we should remember the poem The Toddler's Creed:
If I want it, it's mine.
If I give it to you and I change my mind later, it's mine.
If I can take it away from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks like mine, it is mine.
Anon
This lack of understanding about the notion of 'belonging' means taking things is normal behaviour for three-year-olds. And it is easy to see why children struggle to understand the concept - and, equally, what has value and what doesn't.
After all, children are encouraged to take home the paintings and junk models that they've made in nursery but not the models that they've made from Play-Doh or Lego. To a young child, that is confusing, because most love to collect things.
In the case of this three-year-old, then, he obviously loves the treasured little car for a special reason. Have you asked him what is special about it? Have you talked with his mum about why he always takes that particular car? Maybe the answer would be to suggest that the mum buys him one just like it for his birthday or Christmas.
I once had a child who was desperately in love with a fire engine. It mattered so much to him that I said he could keep it and take it home. I have never seen a child so happy with anything. Consider whether it would be the end of the world if you let the little boy in question keep the car he loves.
There is no point in making a big issue over the things he takes. Simply reassure his mum that this is a normal part of child development and it doesn't mean he's going to grow into another Great Train Robber. It is good that she's encouraging him to return the things that he has taken. That way, he will slowly come to learn that some things are owned by other people.
You can, however, help him to understand that if everyone took toys home then there would be nothing left to play with at the nursery. He will almost certainly soon grow out of this normal stage of development.
MORAL COMPASS
Most children grow up in homes where parents and carers are basically honest and, like the mother in question, are mortified at the thought of their child becoming a thief. But what do you do when a child in your setting is growing up in a home where theft and crime are seen as the norm and there is no moral compass to help the child to understand the idea of ownership?
I have had children coming to school on a Monday morning relating how they went out stealing mountain bikes with their dad or shoplifting with their mum over the weekend. On one occasion, I discovered a mother stealing toilet paper from my school in front of her child. They couldn't afford to buy some. I gave her a roll and said that if ever she was in that situation again all she had to do was to talk to me. She didn't ever steal from me again.
It is a very difficult problem to deal with. On the one hand, as a professional, you don't want to undermine the parent's authority in front of their child, but neither can you turn a blind eye, especially when you know it is wrong for the child.
The job of teaching a child right from wrong is made very difficult if you are working with different families and perhaps a whole community with different values from you. We know that the quality of the home learning environment has a huge impact on children's future learning. If we can do something to influence and improve this we can have an impact on children's futures.
It would be an unrealistic pipe dream to believe that we can change society, but by building close links and trust with parents and giving children a nursery environment that is so richly exciting we can 'turn them on' to learning. Through education, we can offer children the chance to achieve a better future.
Sue Chambers is a senior LEYF associate (www.leyf.org.uk)
