Q: Not for the first time, a mother has come to me saying that her child wants her - and not the child's father - to do everything for them, particularly when it comes to bedtime routines. In this instance, the child is a little girl who has just had her second birthday and it is Mum who has to bath her and read the bedtime story. While some parents seem able to cope with this stage in a child's life, it is clear that others feel rejected. Why do children go through this phase, and how can we advise parents?
A: Periods when a child favours one parent over another are challenging times for both parents but in different ways, as it is emotionally upsetting for the rejected parent and more physically tiring for the favoured one. However, this is normally just a phase that is common in children between the ages of two and three. Usually, by the age of three, most children have equalised their preferences and enjoy the company of both parents.
There are many possible reasons for this type of behaviour. An important stage for toddlers is the development of their sense of self, which they gain by observing and mirroring the adults around them. For example, a child copies mannerisms that are associated with one parent and can be 'just like his dad'. In order to absorb the parent's language and body language, a child needs to focus on one parent at a time.
Trying to control situations and having preferences are also strong features of two-year-olds' behaviour, hence the tantrums when adults try to make choices for them. Such behaviour, though sometimes challenging, is a healthy sign of a child developing a strong sense of self, an expression of 'I am my own person, I have preferences and I can make my own choices.'
The child may also be responding to differences in the parents' roles or parenting styles. For example, one parent may be less strict than the other, or mum may read two stories at bedtime, while dad reads only one.
The more responsibility the mother has for providing daily consistent care and routines, the more emotionally safe the child will feel around her, while the dad may appear erratic. The child may also associate one parent with being more fun and playful than the other.
It may be that mum is the primary caregiver and the child sees less of dad. While this can be a novelty for the child, it can also mean that dad may be less relaxed when he is with the child. Just as babies sense that the person holding them is unsure what to do, and will react accordingly, so will toddlers.
Changes in appearance can also contribute to preferences of one parent over another - for example, dad growing or shaving a beard, or mum starting to wear glasses. Children are creatures of habit and prefer familiarity, hence them wanting to keep a battered old teddy when presented with a clean new one.
TALKING WITH PARENTS
In this instance, I suggest that nursery staff talk to the parents:
- Empathise with them about the situation and remind them that like all toddler stages, this phase will usually only last a few months, when the child may switch allegiances.
- Encourage them to stay confident and avoid attaching any great significance to this behaviour. If both parents are playful and light-hearted about the situation, it will help reduce some of the tension, enabling them to become more relaxed around the child, which is better for the whole family. Parents need to support each other, acknowledge the pain of feeling excluded by their child and manage their own feelings. They also need to be aware of any messages they may be passing unconsciously to the child, such as being sulky or defensive, as this will push the child away further.
- Suggest that they explore how consistent their parenting styles are. Explain that it is crucial for them to stay confident and consistent in their parenting, as this will help the situation to pass more quickly.
- Take steps to ensure that both parents are involved in all aspects of parenting, including daily tasks. For example, if the child wants mum to dress her, then mum can put on one sock and dad can put on the other.
- Suggest that they set up special playtimes at home with the rejected parent, daily if possible, allowing the child to choose what to play with for 20 minutes to strengthen their relationship. The favoured parent can leave the house or at least the room so the child knows this is 'special playtime with dad', which can be talked about in a positive way on a regular basis.
- Reflect on how much time they spend together as a family, so reinforcing the idea that they they are a unit and supportive of each other, demonstrating a united front while accepting the child's preference. The parents could be more demonstrative and affectionate towards each other when they are both with the child, so giving the strong message, 'Look how much I love daddy'. The child may want to be more involved in any show of affection, which will help to cement the bond between them. Another message that the father needs to convey is, 'I still love you even though you want mum.' The parents should also talk positively about each other to the child when one of them is absent - for example, 'Do you remember when daddy took you to the park and you had lots of fun?'
While the child is in nursery, staff can focus on talking about and having special activities about the rejected parent - for example, 'What did you do with dad? Dads are special because ...' Positive messages about dads are thus affirmed for the child.
It can be emotionally healthy for children to make choices about which adults they spend time with and saying no is a way of them being listened to and having their needs and wishes responded to in a positive way.
On a more cautionary note, this phase is usually just a phase. A child's continuing resistance to spending time with any adults, not just parents, should be explored openly with the child, as it may be an indication of a deeper difficulty that needs to be resolved.
Over the course of a child's lifetime, both parents can fall in and out of favour, depending in part on the child's age and stage of development. When you have a child, you are parents forever. Sometimes children love mum more and at other times they love dad more - except when they are teenagers, when it can feel like they don't love either of you!
Cath Hunter, a former nursery nurse and childcare lecturer, now works as a freelance play therapist. Visit www.therapeuticfamilyinterventions.co.uk.
