Q: In what circumstances can staff members be tempted to judge parents?
A: It annoys the staff when parents complain that they cannot afford to pay their fees and yet they have a new car and nice clothes from high street shops. Staff also find it hard when they have built up a good relationship with one parent and then the other parent starts coming to the nursery and is a much more difficult person to deal with.
I have heard staff complain that certain parents seem to have 'attitude problems'. Also, we have some parents who are very anxious about leaving their children, and that anxiety can rub off on staff.
I have been working in nurseries for nearly ten years now and I also have my own children, so I don't tend to criticise parents. However, I have noticed that staff who are new to childcare can be quick to judge.
We have a couple of parents who always forget to pack any nappies for their children. It is always the same few parents, and it does tend to annoy some members of staff.
Recently a parent enrolled a three-month-old baby at the nursery and some members of staff were asking how the parents could leave such a young child.
The main things that practitioners make judgements about is the number of children from the same family, the financial assistance parents get from the Government, putting young babies or children in full-time care, and parents not having much time to socialise with their children after their long day at work.
When children come into nursery and they are unwell, it can be difficult not to get annoyed with parents because the illness often spreads to practitioners, which means they have to take time off and we have to hire cover staff. This upsets the children, because it means that there is no continuity. The supply staff tend to be very good, but they don't have the same relationships with children that our core staff have. It can also be hard to see children left in the nursery from 8.30am until 6pm every day.
Q: How do you respond to members of staff who are critical of parents opting for full daycare?
A: My response to that is that our setting offers a service from 7.30am to 6pm and that it is parental choice. It's about trying to educate staff and help them to appreciate that we would not have jobs if parents did not leave their children with us.
I point out to staff that it is possible that there are issues going on at home, and that at the end of the day, it's parents who pay our wages, and that it's thanks to them that we have a job.
I am a mentor at our nursery and spend time with new members of staff. I try to get the staff member to put themselves in the parent's shoes and make them see that some parents have no choice but to put their child in nursery full-time, and that a lot parents actually feel incredibly guilty about it.
I explain that every parent's situation is different and that some people don't have any other family nearby that can help them. For some parents we are the only back-up that they have. We also organise lots of events for parents to come to and this helps us to build up positive relationships and enables us to get to know parents and their circumstances.
I explain to the staff that they need to find a way to empathise with the parent. We try to help staff learn how to take a step back from situations where parents are being difficult.
Q: Does experience help you to overcome the temptation to judge?
A: I think that emotional maturity is the critical thing. I do think that younger people can be very judgemental, sometimes because they have a lack of life experience. This is why I sometimes worry about very young staff who are promoted to management positions.
Experience helps you to learn not to judge, but I think it also depends on the kind of person you are. If you are a positive person I think you tend to empathise more with parents and recognise that it's not your place to judge them, whereas I think negative people tend to be more critical.
It could be argued - and it was, at our setting - that practitioners who have worked in this field for a number of years still find it hard not to judge parents of babies or young children who attend our setting all day. However, experienced practitioners tend to not let parents' or carers' lives and choices affect the job at hand.
I think experience is definitely key. Having worked in childcare for many years now, I can put myself in parents' shoes and realise that they generally have a lot going on in their lives.
I think the younger members of staff can be more flippant, whereas as you get a few years older you tend to keep your opinions to yourself more. I also think that staff who have children of their own can be more understanding of other parents. However, I think some of the training that we provide, such as equality and diversity training, can also help all practitioners to overcome any temptation to be critical.
It can be difficult to not judge actions we may personally disagree with. However, we are trained to overlook our own judgements, and in my setting I think we understand that the parent or carer will have their own reasons for doing certain things, or making certain decisions. We have built up strong relationships with parents and carers since the introduction of the key person system and this has helped us to understand them much better. Also, we have an open door policy and hold regular parents' evenings, which helps us to talk to parents and understand the needs of the family.
Some of the training that we provide can help practitioners to overcome any temptation to judge. For example, as part of our recent equality and diversity training we covered the subject of judging parents on issues like culture and disability. During the training, staff were shown videos of good and bad ways of talking to parents and we then discussed what we had seen as a group.
What are your experiences of working staff judging parents? To continue the discussion, go to 'Have Your Say'.
AN EXPERT'S VIEW
By Penny Tassoni, early years consultant and author
In some ways it is not surprising that some practitioners can fall into the trap of judging parents. After all, criticism of parents is widespread. Politicians, newspapers and the media are constantly sniping at parents.
Pushy parents get slated for pressurising their children, while others who remain quiet are seen as uncaring. Parents who shed a tear and find it hard to separate from their children are considered 'soft', but parents who leave their children quickly are seen as hard-hearted.
While headlines and conference speeches might sell papers or gain votes, judgemental attitudes have no place in early years settings. They are likely to undermine the ability of staff to relate to parents and can damage the quality of care that children receive.
A good starting point for staff teams is to explore their attitudes towards parents and consider how their own value systems and experiences have shaped these attitudes. Diversity and equality training have long been embedded in initial qualifications, but additional training may be beneficial, along with specific training on how to work in partnership with parents. Shadow visits to other settings can also help staff to see how others engage with parents.
It is also important for staff to remember that as professionals, we are offering a service and that parents are entitled to choose how much of this service they wish to take. This means that some parents are not inclined to volunteer for trips, come in to talk about their child's progress, or participate in fundraising events. Others will want, after a busy day at work, just to get home as quickly as possible.
While this can feel frustrating to staff - especially where they have put in significant effort to arrange events or write reports - it does not mean that those parents who do not take up all the opportunities are bad people or bad parents. They are merely exercising their right not to join in. Early years settings that have a good track record with parents understand this.
Early years practitioners need to recognise that parents are people too. In the same way that no two children are alike, no two parents will be, either. Some parents are naturally reserved, others more extrovert.
Finally, the old adage 'walk a mile in my shoes' is a useful one to remember before judging others. Behind the scenes, some parents are struggling with debt, relationships, their parenting role and sometimes their own self-belief. Surely, these parents deserve a smile, not a frown.
