Q I am shocked by the foul language, including sexually explicit words, used by a three-year-old boy in my care when he is upset. How should I react to this?
A It is indeed really sad when you hear a young child use shocking language. Unfortunately, we suspect that it is not uncommon and that there are many other carers who are anxious about how to deal with behaviour that is damaging to children and upsetting for everyone around them. Obviously, this little boy didn't invent this language, so we need to begin by investigating what he is copying and where it comes from. Then we can see more clearly what needs to be done.
Using sexually explicit words could be a warning sign that a child is being sexually abused. Be observant, and if you do have concerns, contact your local social services team for advice.
Young children's behaviour is learned by copying, or modelling, the actions they observe in the people around them. They watch what their carers do and say and then imitate it. It could be that someone important in this boy's life responds to stress by using swear words and the child is doing the same. There probably isn't very much you can do to prevent this older person from being such a poor role model, but you can help the child while he spends time in your care.
He is at a time in his life when he is learning about getting along in the outside world, and you are offering him an opportunity to understand that different situations require different behaviours. He needs to realise that while he is in your care, he is in a situation where swearing and screaming are not acceptable. Thus, the first thing you have to do is to model the responses that are welcomed in your setting.
How much a child learns from watching someone else depends on what he pays attention to and what he is motivated to imitate, so you need to ensure that you have his complete attention by 'talking him through' the stress-relieving behaviours that you want him to imitate and by rewarding him for following your example. For instance, when you are clearing up the toys you might say, 'Oh dear, nothing seems to be going right today. I think I will just sit down and take five deep breaths and calm myself down.
Come and sit down with me. You could give me a little cuddle and make me feel better. We'll get the tidying up done much more easily if we're both in a good mood. Thank you, for making me feel so much better. Now we can get the job done and still have time to play some of that music you like.'
Positive reinforcement
The second thing of which we need to be aware is that behaviour, good or bad, is strengthened by reinforcement. You should focus on the times when he or any child close by him is responding in a really positive way to stories. You are then reinforcing the behaviours you want to see and not drawing attention to the negative ones. Research and observation has shown over and over again that the carer or teacher who pays attention to children only when they are doing something wrong ensure that the negative behaviour then happens more and more. For some unhappy children, negative attention is better than no attention. But the teacher who constantly comments on the specific good behaviours she wants to see eventually 'creates' a group of children who are calm and well-behaved.
We can explain how this happens by describing a domestic scenario. Imagine that a child has been playing on the living room floor and has left toys lying around everywhere. His mother tells him he is very untidy and he must tidy up, and the child moans and shouts at her that he doesn't want to do so. If the mother gives in at that moment and does it for him, the little boy stops moaning and shouting. But what habit have they both just acquired?
The mother has become someone who backs down and doesn't follow through, while the child has learned that moaning and shouting get him exactly what he wants. A 'family dynamic' has been established in which a demanding, non-compliant, child rules the roost in a way that is exhausting for everyone.
You need to be absolutely consistent about this approach, because behaviour that is reinforced in a haphazard way is the most difficult to change.
Parents or carers who allow their children to be quite aggressive most of the time but occasionally get to the end of their tether and lash out quite severely, produce children who are more aggressive than the children of strict parents or ones who are always easygoing.
You need to stand your ground, be patient and exercise immense self-control while you persist in focusing on those moments when this little boy handles his stress in the way that you want him to.
You will be doing vital work and it will be well worth the effort, because children learn more than just behaviour from modelling and reinforcement.
Along with the things they are learning to 'do', they are also making a collection of ideas, expectations, moral values and self-concepts that underpin the behaviour you can observe. The child in the scenario about tidying up the toys is learning that 'bad' behaviour pays off. He has the expectation that anti-social behaviour is a good way to achieve what he wants. He is developing moral codes that support selfishness and lack of consideration. He is also acquiring the self-concept of a person who doesn't need to co-operate when he doesn't feel like it. Once beliefs and standards and expectations like this are established, they are likely to affect a person's behaviour in a consistent and enduring way, so you will be doing this boy a lifelong service by intervening and 'turning him around'.
Prevent outbursts
It might also be useful to work out what happens before this child's unacceptable behaviour occurs. Your life will be much easier if you can find ways to prevent these outbursts by diverting him at critical moments.
Then you can praise him for his good behaviour even more often.
'Distraction therapy' is a great thing!
Out of interest, does your nursery invite parents in so they too can see good role models? Do you run any parent/carer support groups? Do you host special parent workshops and speakers? These could be good opportunities to discuss issues like this (without naming names) and make parents aware of how their actions can impact on or be copied by their children.
To sum up, the best way forward is to be a positive role model for this little boy. Work out realistic and age appropriate expectations for him and stick with them through thick and thin. Be clear about these expectations in everything that you say and everything you do. Be absolutely consistent about the rules you want to be kept, because these offer the child some boundaries that make him feel safe and secure.
Most importantly, give bucket loads of praise and rewards when he behaves or responds in the ways that you all want to encourage. NW
If you have a child behaviour query that you would like answered, write to Nursery World, 66-68 East Smithfield, London E1W 1BX, fax 020 7782 3131 or e-mail annette.rawstrone@nurseryworld.co.uk. All letters will be treated in the strictest confidence but only published questions will be answered.
