We are, by nature, communicative - we all have an innate need to communicate our feelings to others. Right from birth, the new baby expresses her emotions through the use of crying and other non-verbal means.
Studies by Izard (1980, 1982, 1995) led to the creation of MAX (Maximally Discriminative Facial Movement Codes), a complex, objective system for analysing an infant's facial expression. The psychological investigator takes a snapshot of a baby's face and then looks at it to determine the presence of specific facial movements. For example, Facial Movement 20 is 'raised brow in arched shape', 30 is 'enlarged, roundish appearance of eye', and 50 is 'opened mouth'. The presence of 20, 30 and 50 at the same time indicate that the baby is experiencing surprise.
Using MAX to study the communication of feelings during the early years, researchers have found that:
* Within a few hours of birth, a baby hearing a loud noise or seeing an object suddenly rapidly approaching her face will either look upset or actually burst into tears.
* A baby who is a few months old, shows signs of becoming angry and distressed when she feels her physical movements are restricted.
* At birth, a baby uses facial expression to convey a small group of emotions, including interest, distress, disgust and satisfaction. These are known as 'primary emotions'.
* Between the age of two and seven months, additional basic emotions are expressed facially, including rage, sadness, happiness, surprise and fear.
* Between one and two, a new range of emotions is expressed facially, including embarrassment, guilt, pride and shame. These are known as 'secondary emotions'.
Open or shut
Some children are naturally less communicative about their feelings than others. For example, a shy four-year-old prefers to say little during a group discussion. But this characteristic is a reflection of her personality, not of her ability to communicate - she can communicate when she wants to. In contrast, some children in the nursery may be unable to voice their feelings; these children struggle to express their inner emotions.
Psychological research, however, has found that a child with low ability to communicate her feelings to others is more likely to:
* become involved in disruptive behaviour and petty delinquency * feel dissatisfied with herself, with her own achievements, and with her family life
* have a lower level of self-esteem and a poor level of self-confidence.
Ages and stages
A child's ability and willingness to communicate emotions typically develops along the following lines:
Birth: She uses crying to express her basic feelings, such as distress, hunger, loneliness, discomfort and boredom.
Six months: The six-month-old child babbles when she is contented and settled, and moves her arms and legs vigorously when upset or angry.
One year: Around 10 per cent of her total vocabulary consists of words connected with the expression of her feelings (for example, 'want', 'please').
Two years: You only need to observe a full-blown tantrum to realise that a toddler is able to communicate her anger very effectively.
Three years: Spoken language begins to dominate over body language. Most three-year-olds are quite prepared to tell you exactly what they feel.
Four years: There may be an onset of episodes of shyness in which the growing child prefers to keep her feelings to herself. These temporary phases are usually short-lived.
Five years: She is more attentive and sympathetic to the emotions of other people. She acknowledges that they too have feelings just like her.
Six years plus: The child tries to cope with minor feelings on her own. The outward expression of emotions is usually reserved for her more significant feelings.
The wall of silence
Despite all your best efforts at encouraging children in your nursery to communicate their feelings, you may still be faced with a wall of silence at times. If this happens with a particular child:
* Stay calm.
* Find a few minutes to sit down and talk with the child uninterrupted. Do this in a way that is obvious, so that she knows you take her seriously. This gesture of respect for the child may be just what she needs to feel confident enough to be more open with you.
* Sit in comfortable chairs and face each other so you can make eye contact easily.
* Tell her you can see she is worried about something and that you can help. Avoid challenging or 'just spit it out' type statements. Say instead, 'I know this is difficult for you, but I'm sure you'll feel better when you've talked to me about it.'
* Take her hand gently in yours or put your arm softly around her shoulders to help her feel more able to express her feelings. You might find that she starts crying in response - if she does, comfort her and calm her. In many instances, a release of tears like this is necessary before there can be a release of words.
* Be prepared for long silences. A young child might not believe you when you say that you want to listen, and one way of testing this is by sitting in silence. If you are genuine, you'll wait until she's ready to speak. If you become impatient, she'll maintain her lack of communication indefinitely. If you do this even for a couple of minutes each day, she'll eventually begin to communicate her feelings to you. The longer you listen without interruption, the more she'll say to you.
* Once you are satisfied that you have heard the full story, suggest (don't insist) possible ways forward. Let the child decide whether or not to accept your advice.
* Between the two of you, you'll work towards an effective solution - and of course, you should suggest she discusses the problem with her parents. Having successfully tackled the problem together, the child's reluctance to express her feelings will be less intense the next time she faces a crisis.
How you can help
To help all children communicate their feelings:
* Create a positive atmosphere in which children feel able to express their feelings. Communication is a two-way process, so you have to listen as well as respond.
* Let the child speak without interruption. Resist the temptation to butt in before the child has had a chance to finish all she wants to say.
* Show empathy and understanding. Look at the child directly as she talks to you, to avoid any other distraction, and make appropriate facial gestures that reflect your concern.
* Think before you react. If you give an immediate response, you'll create an impression that her difficulties are trivial. Far better to pause for a few moments, and then to say you realise it must be so difficult for her.
Further reading
* Richman, N (2000) Communicating with Children (Save the Children, Pounds 5.95)
* Petrie, P (1996) Communicating with Children and Adults (Arnold, Pounds 11.99)
* Woolfson, R C (2002) Small Talk. To be published by Hamlyn.
