Q The parents of one of my charges smack him when he is naughty. This is not in an abusive way but, as a childminder, I firmly believe there are better ways to discipline a child. I would like to discuss other techniques with them but am unsure what to suggest.
A Simply the word 'smacking' creates a tremor of anxiety. It is such an emotive topic that our first reaction was to duck this question by sliding it quietly to the bottom of the pile. However, we decided to tackle the issue in the hope of encouraging readers to join this important debate.
Raising children is never easy, but it is particularly difficult when parents are trying to balance the demands of work alongside their responsibilities towards their children. There never seems to be enough time to do things properly, and we may snatch at ways to finish jobs quickly because we are overloaded, tired and continually stressed. We have so many tasks to achieve every day that we may fall into a pattern of completing each task as quickly as possible so that we can race on to the next task before exhaustion swamps us. In other words, we constantly resort to shortcuts, fearing that we would never get through the day otherwise.
Unfortunately, shortcuts are frequently more trouble than they are worth.
One problem is that they allow us to sidestep a crucial element of learning - how to use the thing we are learning about. When we are revising for an examination, we sometimes use a shortcut guide to a particular subject. But even if this helps us pass the test, in the real world we often soon realise that we can't remember anything we are supposed to know. We didn't do the learning properly - the shortcut worked in the short term but didn't help us much in the long term.
Smacking is a shortcut because it is fast and effective in the short term.
The child is compliant in the immediate moments after a smack. But the child may not have learned anything useful in the long term.
When we discipline and punish children, our aim is to help them learn to control their behaviour independently without our intervention. Mild smacking works against learning about self-control because it forces children to submit without necessarily convincing them of the need to change their behaviour in any permanent way. It is a quick-fix emergency remedy for managing children's behaviour but a shaky foundation for building positive behaviour for the future.
It can also be easy to slip into a habit of smacking without taking time to explain the reasons for the punishment. If the parent fails to give clear reasons, the child has learned only that life is unpredictable and random.
He or she is likely to misbehave again because it is not clear which behaviour caused the parent's anger.
Positive strategies
You write that these parents are mild smackers and not abusive, which suggests that you have probably observed them using other, more positive, parenting strategies. These might be strengthened if you took the opportunity to comment on them, so I would begin by giving the parents big doses of positive feedback when presented with the chance to see if that helps set them on the right path.
Few of us are completely confident about our parenting skills and these parents are very likely to respond well to any compliments and positive feedback they get from you. You might say, for example, 'Joseph was so happy today, he smiled all day after you gave him that big hug this morning. You love it when mummy's pleased, don't you, Joseph?'
Comments like this build everyone's self-esteem and will help to promote trust so that you can begin to broach more difficult subjects in a constructive atmosphere. Being judgemental and threatening will not help, but you can assist stressed parents by showing how important they are to their child's development and commenting on how well their child responds to the positive things they do. Many parents these days are isolated from other parents and do not get the chance quietly to observe a variety of techniques.
If they are failing to explain their reasons to the child, then you might be able to demonstrate how this is done. For instance, if they smack their son in your presence, you might be able to take charge of the situation and ask him if he knows why his mummy or daddy is so cross. You can support the parents in censuring the behaviour even though you would never support the punishment.
By intervening at this level you are maintaining the parents' trust through being non-judgemental while at the same time clearly demonstrating a better way of dealing with the situation. You might say something like, 'Joseph, you know that we have talked about running out of the door. Do you remember we decided that it is not safe and you might get hurt? We decided to wait until the grown-up held hands with you. Well, you can see that mummy doesn't want you to run out of the door either.' Then you can turn to his parent and explain how you deal with the behaviour and gently describe what works for you in your setting.
Friendly advice
Another approach that may help is work to contain parental anxieties. You are a team and it is vital to take time to sit and have a cup of tea and an informal chat from time to time. Launching into a lecture would probably make them defensive, but a comfortable natter is likely to help them relax and feel that they are being listened to. It will offer the opportunity to open up and share cares, stresses and, possibly, guilt about being short-tempered with their son. Then you will be able to offer comforting, friendly, advice about alternative techniques that work for you, like setting clear guidelines for behaviour, giving warnings and firmly following through with sanctions such as time out or no television.
Never forget that the parents chose you because you met their criteria as the sort of person who would be good for their son. Parents who go out to work when their children are young generally have enormous respect for the people in whose care they leave their children.
Parents view you as a childcare specialist. They know that you have earned your fund of knowledge. They will listen to your advice if they feel that you are giving it for the right reasons in a respectful, helpful way.
Once you have established that you are an understanding, experienced person who has good advice to offer, the child's parents will feel able to approach you for the support they so clearly need. You will also be able to reassure them that good discipline takes time but is, ultimately, much more productive than the shortcut method they are resorting to at the moment.
Golden rules
Have you thought about writing a brief 'positive behaviour' policy? Most nursery schools produce a simple leaflet for parents describing the golden rules they share with children, the rewards they offer if children keep to them and the consequences of their actions if the boundaries are tested.
So, from the outset, the parents all know the expectations.
As a childminder, could you do the same thing?
By giving parents this leaflet at the beginning of your relationship, you would then have opened the door for having an early discussion about any potentially difficult issues. This approach tends to avoid the future possibility of having to discuss such issues in the emotional heat of the moment.
If you are clear from the beginning about your expectations and how you help children meet them, this paints a vision for everyone to aspire to. As with all visions, we will occasionally let each other down, but it is easy to build bridges back to each other through understanding, a quick apology or practising forgiveness.
Jenny Mosley is the founder and director of Quality Circle Time. Ross Grogan is a children's author and leading member of Jenny Mosley Consultancies' research and writing team
Further information
* Jenny Mosley Consultancies tel: 01225 767157, email, ginnys@jennymosley.co.uk or go to, www.circle-time.co.uk
If you have a child behaviour query that you would like answered, write to Nursery World, 66-68 East Smithfield, London E1W 1BX, fax 020 7782 3131 or e-mail: annette.rawstrone@nurseryworld.co.uk. All letters will be treated in the strictest confidence but only published questions will be answered.
