Positive Relationships: A parent's guide to ... fussy eaters

The child's parents are engaged in something akin to the 'good cop, bad cop' routine. One is encouraging, while the other is threatening. There are mutters of disapproval from around the table. Welcome to the world of the fussy eater!

Many parents will say that their child began to become more fussy from around two years. This is not surprising, as many two-year-olds are quite determined little people who are striving to become independent. They can also remember the tastes of foods that they like. This means that while you can slip a food into a baby's diet, a hawk-eyed three-year-old will soon prise out a hidden bit of mushroom and hold it up like some trophy.

From two years onwards, children's growth slows down, too. This is often reflected in how hungry they are. Parents will also find that their children's tastes change, and so foods that were once liked can become disliked, and vice versa. But what strategies can you adopt if your child is quite fussy?

STAY CALM

While remaining calm is easier said than done, it is absolutely essential. Begin by checking your child's weight. Unless they are underweight, you can at least take comfort in seeing that they are not starving themselves to death.

It can also be good to know that nearly every family will have moments when their children are being fussy about food. Battles at mealtimes only make the situation worse, and the tension can make some children fearful and thus more resistant to eating. Other children start to realise that they can get their parents' attention by not eating. In the worst cases, children see that they can reduce their parents to bribery or tears.

It goes without saying that such control is not healthy for young children. This means that you should provide food in a matter-of-fact way and avoid either bribing or pleading.

FOOD IS LOVE

Food is not just about energy and satisfying the body. It is bound up with love. Parents can feel that they have failed if their children have not cleared their plates or don't seem happy with their food. This can lead parents to do all sorts of crazy things, from preparing separate meals for each of their offspring to chasing their toddlers around the room with a spoon. It can also tempt parents to relent and give their child treats between meals.

None of these actions help children to develop a healthy attitude towards foods. Instead, the advice from leading dieticians is to avoid extremes and to keep portion sizes on a plate small, so that children can finish eating them easily and if necessary, ask for more. They recommend that snacks and drinks should not give children a taste for intensely sugary or savoury flavours, and that if children are not eating well at mealtimes, snacks should be light - for example, carrot sticks or apple slices.

NEGOTIATION, DISTRACTION AND SALES TALK

While a few families manage to get their child to eat absolutely everything, most scrape through by being flexible.

Negotiation can work well - a teaspoon of green vegetables has to be eaten, but the child can choose between two or three vegetables. In the same way, distraction can work well. Wholly focusing on the food, for example, is rarely a good tactic, while eating with your child and talking about other things is a nicer way of moving things forward. (When my children were little, lighting a candle used to work a treat).

It is also important to think about how we present new food. 'Try it and if you don't like it, you don't have to eat it' is not exactly a top sales pitch. Far better to go on the lines of 'you can have just a little bit of this, because it is special and I think that you are just about grown-up enough to appreciate it. See what you think!'

CHANGE THE SCRIPT

Finally, for some families who are entrenched in meal warfare, it can be worth 'changing the script'. This means that instead of eating in the same place, at the same time and having the same battles, you set up a new situation.

Try putting a rug on the floor and having a picnic meal, or putting out a tablecloth and a menu so as to create a restaurant. Changing the way that you react or what you normally do and say can make quite a difference, as it gives everyone a 'fresh start'. The 'change the script' approach explains why some children will enjoy a food elsewhere that they refuse at home. The reason for this is not superior cooking (contrary to what the host may think!), but that it is being presented in a different context.

TOP TIPS

• - Make sure that your overall diet is a balanced, healthy one - this way, it does not matter so much if children pick and choose a little.
• - Praise children for trying out new foods.
• - Put out small portions at mealtimes. This way, children are more likely to eat everything on the plate.
• - Make sure that snacks are healthy - if children get used to crisps or biscuits, they will find 'real food' less appealing.
• - Talk to your health visitor if you are not coping.

CASE STUDY

'One of my earliest memories is sitting at a table and being forced to eat my dinner. When I had Ryan, I was determined to make sure that he would not have to go through that. The trouble is that he went too much the other way. I cooked special meals for Ryan and if he went to someone's house, I would have to take his food with me, because otherwise he would not eat.

'We were referred to a dietician because, despite Ryan being such as picky eater, he was overweight. At first I was in denial, but now we are making progress - I am ready to admit it. The dietician looked at the foods Ryan was eating and said that he was not getting enough protein or fruit and vegetables because he was eating such a narrow range of foods.

'Each week Ryan has two new foods to try. I thought that this would be impossible, but because he has been told that it is an adventure, he loves having a go. We have also cut down on portion sizes and changed the type of snacks that he is having.

'The result is quite amazing. Ryan is eating more fruit and vegetables, and best of all, he can eat at his friends' houses without any fuss.'