We have a three-year-old who has been attending our nursery for two terms and in all that time he has not bonded with any staff members or other children. He can talk but he chooses to play alone. We are getting worried that something is wrong and we don't know what to do next.
We know that being able to develop good relationships is essential for young children in all aspects of their lives and being able to make good relationships is the key to success in a child's adult life. They need to be able to relate well to other children and adults, make friends and get on with others, feel secure and valued, explore and learn confidently; and ultimately to feel good about themselves.
The EYFS says that Personal, Social and Emotional Development 'involves helping children to develop a positive sense of themselves, and others; to form positive relationships and develop respect for others; to develop social skills and learn how to manage their feelings; to understand appropriate behaviour in groups; and to have confidence in their own abilities'.
In order to find the reasons why this little boy does not seem to be developing relationships with children and adults and to develop strategies, you need to ask yourself some questions, and depending on the answers, you may need to go down very different routes. Lack of social skills could be due to a wide variety of causes some of which may include:
- child abuse
- Asperger's Syndrome
- a gifted and talented child
- attachment disorder
- shyness.
Most important is that you talk to his parents about your concerns. A good relationship between practitioners and parents is critical to developing successful strategies.
CAUSES, SIGNS AND NEXT STEPS
It is imperative first of all to rule out child abuse. Just because a child is withdrawn and solitary does not mean that abuse is involved, but if you have noted other worrying signs you should discuss your concerns with your setting's Named Person.
One of the signs of Asperger's Syndrome is the inability to relate to people. You say he can talk but do not say whether he can hold a meaningful conversation. Children with Asperger's Syndrome tend to have one-sided exchanges. The conversation will either be led solely by the Asperger's child, or it will end abruptly.
If you think that a child may possibly have Asperger's Syndrome, you will have also noted other signs such as lack of imaginative play, repetitive patterns of behaviour and activities, and a strong preference for routines and dislike of change. The next step will be to talk to your SENCo.
Gifted and talented children may not always have well-developed emotional and social skills but you will also see persistence and precision in play activities, their ability to reflect on experiences in greater depth than their peers and how they perform in different contexts.
Gifted and talented children are curious and motivated to find out information or learn new skills for themselves. They may sometimes become easily bored and frustrated and may prefer the company of adults to other children. Your observations should help you to identify a very able child and develop strategies to meet his needs and extend his learning.
Children with attachment disorders or other attachment problems have difficulty connecting to others and managing their own emotions. This results in a lack of trust and self-worth, a fear of getting close to anyone, anger and a need to be in control. A child with an attachment disorder feels unsafe and alone.
Attachment disorders are the result of negative experiences in a child's early relationships. If young children feel repeatedly abandoned, isolated, powerless, or uncared for, for whatever reason, they will learn that they can't depend on others and the world is a dangerous and frightening place.
Signs of attachment disorder may be that the child is indiscriminately affectionate with strangers but shows lack of affection to carers and has poor relationships with peers. They may also be very clingy or show poor eye contact. They may show high levels of anger, oppositional behaviours and restlessness. If you have observed such behaviours you will need to discuss them with your SENCo.
There is a difference between playing alone because children are not developmentally ready to play co-operatively and playing alone by choice. But when solitary play is seen all the time, it could be of concern.
HAPPY OR UNHAPPY LONER?
If you have eliminated all the issues mentioned above, it is most probable that the child is shy and is finding being among other children overwhelming. It may be that he is an only child with limited experience of playing with others and it is important to differentiate between the 'happy loner' and the 'unhappy loner'.
The 'happy loner' tends to play on their own during free-play times, but without any signs of unhappiness. He engages in parallel play with another child, but not typically with the same partner or partners. If, however, he plays alone and appears lonely at times and tries to engage other children in play but the other children do not accept his bid to join them, you will need to put strategies into place. It is important to understand the problems of the 'unhappy loner'.
There are several reasons why a child might be timid. It can be a mixture of fear, tension, apprehension and/or embarrassment. Shy children often lack confidence and are self-conscious in new surroundings.
It was once believed that most shy, withdrawn children would outgrow this phase but we now know that this may not be the case. A study titled 'Latent Profiles of Preschool Behaviour within Learning, Peer, and Teacher Contexts: Identifying Subgroups of Children at Academic Risk across the Preschool Year' by Rebecca J Bulotsky-Shearer, Elizabeth R Bell and Ximena Dominguez in the Journal of School Psychology, 2012 showed that children displaying shy and withdrawn behaviour early in the pre-school year started out with the lowest academic skills and showed the slowest gains in academic learning skills across the year.
The results also raise the possibility that children who are disruptive may be more likely to get the practitioner's or teacher's attention and benefit from specific educational strategies. Although some children make dramatic increases in social interaction after four to six months of pre-school, we cannot assume that shyness will disappear of its own accord.
A friendly and warm relationship between the key person and the child's parents will show the child that his key person can be trusted. The key person should spend as much time as possible interacting and playing with him in order to build his trust and confidence.
Until he's ready, don't try to force him into participating in group activities. Instead, provide non-threatening ways for him to interact with peers. Sometimes pairing a quiet child with an extroverted child can produce a positive learning experience for both.
Not all children are extroverts and the naturally quiet child may mature into a thoughtful adult, a keen observer of human nature and situations. So respect his ability to be happy on his own, honour his introspective nature yet help him all you can to confidently communicate and work with adults and children.
