In our nursery, we have a three-year-old girl who is very friendly towards visitors. We don't want to stop her from being naturally friendly but we feel there's something about the way in which she does not discriminate between people she knows and those she doesn't that worries us. Do you think we're worrying needlessly?
I can understand your concern and I do think it is good that you have flagged this up. It is great when children are confident around people and I loved it when, as a local authority advisor, I visited settings and children were happy to talk to me about what they were doing or share their learning journeys. I would, however, have been concerned by a child who was instantly at my side, cuddling up to me and clambering on to my lap.
Several years ago, I had a three-year-old girl in my class - I'll call her Maria. She came to the nursery in September and appeared to be extremely friendly and confident. She separated easily from her mother and seemed happy with all the adults in the nursery. However, after a term she still had not made a close relationship with anyone, either staff or children, and tended to attach herself to any adult who was available and would be quite clingy and attention-seeking.
We noticed that as soon as visitors arrived in the classroom she would approach them, start talking to them and sit on their laps. It was particularly noticeable and worrying when we had a theatre group who came to do some work with the children. Maria kept trying to climb on to the lap of one of the men. While he was there Maria became upset about something and instead of going to her key person or other member of staff whom she knew well, she went to this man for comfort.
The team discussed our concerns and we decided to observe Maria carefully. I was her key person and made sure that each day Maria had plenty of one-to-one time with me. One day while we were making Mother's Day cards and Maria was sitting on my lap, she made a devastating disclosure to me that she was being sexually abused by her father. Even though in our discussions we talked about possible abuse, this disclosure was an experience that was so shocking that it has never left me.
WARNING BELLS
Inappropriate over-friendliness could indeed be a sign of sexual abuse, as might a child showing a disproportionate level of fear or anxiety towards adults. However, on their own, these things do not prove that abuse is or has been taking place. There would be other indicators that would be ringing warning bells in your head.
The child may in addition show a dislike of getting undressed, regress in potty training, have nightmares and disturbed sleep, be involved in inappropriate sexual play or be unable to play happily with other children. There may also be personality changes and possible aggression or timidity along with the physical signs of abuse.
That said, it would be foolish to jump to the conclusion that every child who is overly friendly is the victim of abuse. There could be other reasons. Still, it would be unwise and dangerous to completely ignore your concerns. The possible negative causes behind this behaviour should be something you discuss within your team.
Indiscriminate friendliness could be a symptom of abuse or neglect that could have caused the child to have difficulty making a strong attachment with their main caregiver. Attachment disorders can occur as a result of the negative experiences that a child may have gone through. A child who feels abandoned, unwanted, isolated powerless and uncared for will have learned that the world is a dangerous place where their needs go unmet and people are not to be trusted. There is an attachment disorder known as reactive attachment disorder. It is made up of two kinds, inhibited and disinhibited. Some children will have symptoms of just one of the types but many children have some of both.
With inhibited reactive attachment disorder, children tend to avoid relationships and attachment to virtually anyone. The child may never have had the chance to form a relationship with any caregiver. The signs may include avoiding and resisting affection or contact with anyone, being wary and preferring to be alone, poor eye contact, looking as if they would like to have contact but then turning away, always being wary and often appearing to be using self-soothing behaviour. This could include finger sucking, hair twisting, full-body spinning and rocking, head spinning and banging or covering ears to block out even ordinary sounds.
In disinhibited reactive disorder, the child doesn't seem to prefer his main carer over other people and will seek comfort from virtually anyone, forming inappropriate and shallow attachments to strangers. He may often show inappropriately immature behaviour and appear anxious.
Reactive attachment disorders are, thankfully, rare. They are most likely to occur in families that are known to have experienced some difficulties such as alcohol or drug misuse, severe post-natal depression or child abuse. One would expect, in cases such as these, that the nursery is working with other agencies in order to help the child and the family.
LACK OF AWARENESS
There are a number of medical conditions where children show inappropriate or odd approaches to people. In autistic spectrum disorder, you may see the child pay little or no attention to others or have a stilted and overly formal interaction. They may also exhibit inappropriate friendliness and lack of awareness of personal space. A child I knew with Asperger's syndrome would approach complete strangers to talk about his latest obsession.
There are also various conditions that include over-friendliness as one of their characteristics. These usually result from chromosomal deletions. One of these is Williams syndrome. It is present at birth and is a genetic condition caused by missing genetic material from chromosome seven. In addition to a number of medical problems, these children often have excellent verbal abilities and highly sociable personalities. They are typically unafraid of strangers and show a greater interest in contact with adults than with their peers. Williams syndrome is usually detected early because of low birth weight and feeding difficulties.
To sum up, children who are friendly and confident around people are to be celebrated and the last thing one wants to do is stifle that friendliness and trust, but it is important to help them to understand the need to be cautious around people they don't know. With the little girl you describe, I believe you are right to be concerned. You will probably know something already of her family circumstances and maybe already have some clues as to the possible causes.
If the child is exhibiting other signs of abuse you should immediately take your concerns to your lead person. If, however, you believe there are attachment problems, the person you needs to discuss this with is your special educational needs co-ordinator. It is important not to ignore the issue.
