Winston’s Wish, the charity for bereaved children, helps over 30,000 children every year through its helpline, numerous weekly groups, support programmes and one-to-one support services. Its research highlights approximately one in 25 children and young people have experienced bereavement of a parent or sibling.
The charity emphasises that in the event of the death of a young child, adults will shocked and saddened by it which may make talking to children especially difficult. And for young children who may have known the child through a nursery or other early years setting, it can be very difficult to make sense of what has happened.
While practitioners will understand that children of all ages experience grief, their response and expression of grief will be different depending on their age and developmental stage.
A young child’s grief can very often be dismissed by adults, with phrases such as ‘they’re too young to understand’. It is also true that very often, adults find the thought of talking with young children about death and dying almost unbearable.
MAKING SENSE OF IT ALL
Brett Riches is a family services team leader for Winston’s Wish, based in Gloucestershire but working on cases nationally. He emphasises that children under five years think that death is reversible and that people who have died can come back.
‘To help them make sense of what has happened they need clear, direct, simple explanations. We advise using words such as “died” and giving specific explanations about why the person died,’ he said.
‘If this feels difficult try and remind yourself of the words and level of understanding children have at their age and stage of development and start with these.
‘You can also help children to develop their emotional literacy by explaining any new words you need to use to talk about what has happened. Don’t be afraid to be honest and tell the children if you don’t have an answer to any specific questions that arise. Children are naturally curious and they want to make sense of what is happening in their world.
‘Repeated questions are not a sign that your explanations aren’t good enough – it is reflective of a natural process they will go through in making sense of and incorporating this story into their lives.’
Mr Riches believes that one of practitioners' greates fears is that they may make things worse by talking to a child.
‘But often what can be worse for a child is silence,’ he says. ‘It gives a worrying message to children that people just disappear. A three-year-old will notice a person has gone but it may be hard for them to link it to the fact they have died. Silence itself can give out a scary message. The knock-on effect can be anxious behavior, with a child perhaps being destructive or regressive.’
What is important, according to Mr Riches, is to give a child an opportunity to ask questions, which will make sense of the death to the child.
‘Children know about the word – and under-fives will use dying in their world of play, this is normal and appropriate. In imaginary play, characters come back to life all the time. Children need to grow into the idea that when a person really dies they do not come back.’
Adults may feel anxiety about answering a child’s questions and Mr Riches advises that they take a step back, and it can be helpful to ask the child what they think.
‘A child may ask when the person is coming back, rather than asking about their body and details of when they died. It is OK not to answer a question right away. A practitioner may want to say “that is a very good question. I am going to have a think about that”. A practitioner may want to have a quiet talk with a colleague to decide on a response. Children will need to revisit the subject and incorporate it into their world.’
REASSURING PARENTS
There is a place for talking to a group of children, and giving them the same message about a death, and also for one-to-one conversations. ‘If a practitioner notices that an individual child is responding through the way it is playing with toys in the nursery, there will be opportunities to talk to them through play,' Mr Riches advises. 'In nurseries, where each child is known, there will be a strong sense of their individual understanding which a practitioner can respond to. There is no one size which fits all.’
He outlined that children who are distressed by bereavement may revert to behaviour patterns they had when they were younger, such as bed-wetting, use of a security blanket or thumb sucking in the early days and weeks after a bereavement.
‘In time, these behaviour patterns will normally disappear again. It can be helpful to reassure parents or carers of this, if they have worries about their child. Communication with them is important in enabling, as much as possible, consistency between what the children are being told about what has happened, both at home and nursery.’
He added, ‘Memorials can be a helpful and positive way of involving children in saying goodbye to another child who has died. It can also help support ongoing conversations about what happened, as well as thinking about what the children remember about the child. Memorials can be as simple as a picture, a water fountain or a plaque on a tree.’
Winston’s Wish website has a suggested reading list of books on death and loss and recommends playing, drawing and giving children opportunities to identify and talk about worries and feelings to help them deal with the loss of their friend.
Further information and advice can be found at Winston's Wish or by calling its national Helpline on 08452 030405 (Monday – Friday, 9.00am – 5.00pm and Wednesday 7.00 – 9.30pm).
