Anyone who works with children may have to face the situation where a child in their care is bereaved. Children have different responses to death, depending on their age and experience. The under-twos, for instance, have very little language to express their loss, but even very young children and babies are aware that people they were attached to are gone and experience the dawning realisation that they are never coming back.
Children aged two to five years are beginning to grasp that death is final and that the dead person will not return, although this is difficult for them to acknowledge fully as it threatens the security of their safe, familiar world. If it is the death of someone important, they will go through a similar grief process to adults.
The best way you can help is by being prepared to listen to the child's thoughts, beliefs and fears, and by enabling the child to feel that there are adults who are strong enough to bear whatever they wish to talk about. However, you may want to gain further experience in helping children to cope with bereavement by going on a training course or even becoming a volunteer bereavement counsellor.
Getting started
Cruse Bereavement Care has branches all over the country and has now set up a new training course that specifically addresses the needs of bereaved children. The course is offered as a series of seven introductory three-hour modules. Specialised follow-on modules are also offered which focus on suicide, trauma, play therapy with very young children and working with adolescents.
Gloucester-based charity Winston's Wish also offers training for volunteers who want to help bereaved children aged between four and 17 years at one of their regular weekend camps, held in the Forest of Dean. Dave, a teacher, has been involved for three years with the camps. He explains that the training, which takes place over a number of weekends, includes lots of exercises that can be used with children. 'Practical activities we do with young children include making a memory jar using coloured salts. Each layer in the jar represents a special memory the child has of the person who has died,' Dave explains. 'The jar can then be shared with other people and the memories kept alive. Children also learn to make candles which can then be lit on a special day, such as a birthday or Mother's or Father's Day.' Many of the activities with young children at Winston's Wish camps are focused on grief work, but a lot are about having fun too, Dave adds. 'That is one of the things about working with children who have been bereaved. One minute they may be heartbroken, the next full of beans and laughing.' A one-day training course on loss, change and grief for primary school age children, run by the Child Bereavement Trust (CBT), also includes lots of useful information for those who work with pre-school children, says Julia Samuel, a CBT trainer. 'The day gives people the confidence to deal with a bereaved child. Even though, for most people who work with young children, such bereavements are rare events, if and when it does happen, having some knowledge transforms the whole experience. The way people respond to children at this time has an enormous effect on how they grieve later on.'
Nursery support
But shouldn't we leave it to the experts? Margaret Durrant, a school nurse in Lowestoft who completed the Cruse training course for working with children, believes we shouldn't. 'The nursery and school community provide a very valuable support network for a child who has been bereaved,' she says. 'Other people in the child's life may be walking on eggshells, unable or unwilling to talk about the bereavement in case they upset the child.' Nursery and school can provide a familiar routine in the child's life. Many children who have been bereaved find going back to nursery or school, even the day after someone has died, helpful because it ensures that, even though other things in their lives are changing, some things stay the same, says Chris Hopkins, director of fundraising at Winston's Wish. 'With the child's permission, it can help if the nursery nurse or teacher sits down with the child and their peers and tells them what has happened. The member of staff can try to explain how the child might be feeling and encourage friends to be openly supportive. People are often worried about saying anything in case they make matters worse. Silence is the only thing that usually does make matters worse!'
Qualities needed
'You need to understand the needs of children and how to communicate with them,' says Margaret. 'You also need to be a good listener and have a good understanding of bereavement and the processes of grieving, which is where the training offered by organisations such as Cruse comes in.' 'You need to relate to children at their level,' adds Mary Jones, a trainer with Cruse. 'Not as an adult, trying to be a big kid, children see through that straight away. It is about having the ability to listen, to show children you understand and that you will not betray their confidences. Most importantly, you have to be there to help them to get the feelings out.'
Further information
* Cruse Bereavement Care: 0845 7585 565 * National Association of Bereavement Services: Referral Helpline: 0207 709 9090
* Child Psychotherapy Trust: 020 7284 1355
* Child Bereavement Trust: 01494 446648
* Winston's Wish: 0845 203 0405 www.winstonswish.org.uk
