What causes children's fears?
Children depend on their parents for a feeling of security. When we ourselves feel unhappy and insecure, when marriages or partnerships break up, when we fail to cope, then our children suffer. If your child is developing a new, dominating fear, ask yourself if something has changed in your family.
Family flashpoints when children become anxious and develop new fears can involve the birth of a new baby, the loss of a grandparent or other loved family member, separation and divorce, or a parent feeling depressed and unable to cope. For example, if a fear of monsters erupts around this time, it can be understood as an expression of your child's own 'monstrous'
feelings about the baby, which are disowned and located in the monster instead.
Children are also made anxious by their own growing up and may develop new fears at a transition when they start nursery or school.
Any time you take to help your child understand what is going on at a time of change will pay off. We tend to think we will make things worse by speaking the truth, but usually the opposite is true. Even toddlers can be told about a death in the family. Children are relieved to find something that explains things. Your child will also be relieved to find that you can still think about how she is feeling.
My child takes a long time to settle down at night because of her night-time fears. What is the best way to handle this?
Be aware of ways in which children can use their fears to manipulate you.
Some parents get stuck in long bedtime rituals involving endless reassurances. I recall one little girl who insisted that her mother sit on her bed while she repeated 100 times: 'Night night, don't run away. Night night, don't run away.' It will not be reassuring to your child to be allowed to tie you to long bedtime rituals. In fact, it could give your child the message that you agree with the need for a ritual which would mean that you really might run away (or whatever your child's particular ritual might be). Just say firmly that you will not run away/there are no murderers outside the window/monsters under the bed, and you are saying good night now and leaving the room.
