Club is a fun place and most children settle quickly and smoothly into the routine and activities. But now and then a child comes along who finds club difficult to manage; they may be aggressive and disruptive or, at the other extreme, tearful, withdrawn and clearly unhappy. This shouldn't be surprising - club isn't home and isn't school, it's a third place for children to negotiate and some children take longer than others to do so.
The child who doesn't settle may be worried about something, so a first question is always, 'How settled is this child at school?' If they seem to be coping with school well enough then the next port of call is to ask the parents if there is anything the child might be worried about at home. A number of issues are going to influence a child's capacity to feel at ease in club.
What does being in club mean to the child?
At one level we all know club is where children go while their parents are working or otherwise occupied, or it is where a child might choose to go to be with other children and to do interesting activities. These are conscious, thought-about reasons why children are in club, they are rational facts. But our experiences also have internal meanings from which we deduce unconscious, not thought-about explanations for events.
Let us think about eight-year-old Martin who attended after-school club four evenings a week. Martin had never settled into club. He wasn't aggressive but was always reluctant to join in and his playworkers found it difficult to find activities to excite or interest him. They had learned to coax and persuade him but inevitably at some point he would become distraught over what seemed to be a trivial matter, usually that he felt something was unfair or, as in the latest incident, that he had been dealt a raw deal by being given a table tennis bat with a crack in it, 'It's rubbish,' he cried, 'I always get the rubbish...' and he strode off.
Martin hadn't chosen to attend club. He was the youngest of three siblings and when he reached Year 3 his mother took a job outside the home for the first time, meaning she could no longer be at home at the end of the school day. Martin had been used to having his mother to himself after school for an hour before his older brothers came home. Now he had to attend club until one of his brothers collected him and took him home to await their mother's return.
Intellectually, Martin understood why his mother worked, but emotionally he felt, 'My mum's dumped me 'cos she likes her work'. He was easily upset at club by anything that made him feel he was unworthy, like the damaged bat, because being given 'a rubbish bat' spoke to his worst fears - that he was rubbish, unworthy of his mother's time and attention.
In contrast, another eight-year-old, Stephen, had begged his parents to let him go to club because his older brothers had fun there. Stephen experienced club as an exciting, creative space where he could both extend his peer relationships and learn new activities.
Children will always hold home experiences and club experiences together in their minds and how they are feeling about home will always colour how they settle into club.
What do transitions mean to the child?
Club is a transitional world, lying as it does between school and home.
Club-aged children are usually secure in the world of home and in the world of school (and, of course, in their own world). They have been in both for a long time, they know the 'drill'. For many, club is a step into the wider, unknown world outside but within the security of a familiar environment. Being allowed to stay on for club can be a signal that you are now more grown up and independent.
Transitions are about letting go and moving forward. Stephen experienced club as a place where he could let go of childhood a little and move forward into the world of his older siblings. 'It's a chance to be in a team,' he described excitedly.
But Martin was not ready to be in a team, he still needed time with his mother before he was ready to move forward. So he experienced club as somewhere he didn't want to be, a no-man's land between school (which he knew he had to attend) and home where he longed to be. He couldn't get involved with club or enjoy any of the activities because he was preoccupied with not wanting to be there and feeling he 'wasn't anywhere...just in space...club hasn't got anything...not anything interesting'. Was it that the club offered nothing interesting or that he was only interested in having time with his mother?
The transitional aspect of club resonates with this age group because, developmentally, they are in a state of transition. Physically, emotionally and intellectually they are preoccupied with moving from the world of childhood to the world of adolescence. Indeed, how well a child copes in club may be a sign of how well they are coping with puberty.
How secure does a child feel?
'Stephen's a much more confident child,' said Martin's play leader as she thought about his behaviour, 'Martin seems so insecure...' The difference between a confident, secure child and one who seems anxious and difficult to manage, is how they feel about themselves inside.
Stephen seemed reasonably sure that he was likable and lovable and that the world outside home would welcome him and treat him well. We gain this sense of good self-esteem by becoming closely emotionally attached to our parents or carers in infancy who love us for who we are, regardless of our appearance, skills and abilities. This close attachment leads us to identify with adults and want to grow up and acquire adult skills like reading and writing. It helps us to feel free to be curious about and eager to explore the world. Stephen was ready and curious, confident he could achieve like his older siblings. He was carrying inside that good image of himself given to him by his parents' love and approval. He had also absorbed the experience of a 'good parent' inside him who would be with him mentally and emotionally as he ventured into the world.
Martin was what psychoanalyst John Bowlby would have described as 'insecurely attached'. His parenting had not been so consistent and mentally he was always checking if his mother was there and loved him. This was his central preoccupation which gave him little mental space to feel free to be curious about the welcoming excitements available at club. We can understand this as adults when we think about ourselves as having a major worry which 'takes over' our life.
Managing the child who doesn't settle Put simply, at club Stephen felt held, Martin felt unheld. Children like Martin need their playworkers to help them to feel contained and held in club. The following suggestions may provide guidance: * In thinking about a child who doesn't settle, it is always worth trying to find out how they behave at other ordinary transitions of life, such as going to bed, getting ready for school, going on holiday.
* Martin's playworker tried to ensure that she always greeted Martin as soon as he arrived. In this way he was made to feel immediately that he had made his presence felt at club, he had not slipped in unnoticed. 'Hello, Martin, so glad you're here today,' she used to say so that he had an immediate sense of being made welcome.
* Martin was helped to feel valued and to develop an identity at club when he was given responsibility for organising snack time. Having a particular role at club helped to make him feel important and special in his own right.
* Martin's playworkers tried hard to identify his strengths and to provide activities which gave him an opportunity to shine. By experiencing success, he gradually became curious about success.
* Martin's playworker made a point of always saying goodbye to him when he left club and tried to reduce the risk of him feeling in no-man's land between club and home by asking him to take something home from club to look after or to prepare or bring in something for an activity the next day. Such requests helped Martin to develop a sense of continuity in his day. In this way a transition became more of a bridge than a vacuum in his mind.
Andrea Clifford-Poston is an educational therapist and author of The Secrets of Successful Parenting - Understand What Your Child's Behaviour is Really Telling You (How-to-Books: 9.99)
