Q A four-and-a-half-year-old in reception seems very aggressive. She kicks and pulls other children's hair when she wants a toy or attention. She pulls faces and balls her hands up into fists if she is told off or challenged by another child. Unfortunately, many of the children just try to avoid her now. She seems sad and angry.
A In times long past when we lived in caves, survival depended on our ability to be constantly alert, watching the environment for signs of danger. When an emergency arose we needed to respond quickly and decisively because hesitation or delay would mean injury or death. The response we know as 'fight or flight' was absolutely essential to our safety and survival.
'Fight or flight' is a physiological response to danger that involves a rush of hormones and glucose that infuse our muscles and fill us with energy that we can use to either attack and destroy a threat or, alternatively, run away. It is a purely instinctive and emotional response because the thinking brain is switched off and unable to warn about the possible consequences of our behaviour.
The response is useful when there is danger, but not if all you are doing is making sure that you don't have to share toys with a classmate. Yet this is how this child is behaving. Her whole attention seems to be focused on dealing with situations that she appears to perceive as so threatening that she defends herself constantly, without considering the realities of her situation or the consequences.
She needs to learn that she can relax and feel safe in the setting's environment and that your school community strongly disapproves of violent and intimidating behaviour. Her behaviour is a form of emotional over-excitement and she needs to calm herself and think more clearly about the consequences of her actions.
Calm down
First, you need to calm her down and make her feel safe. Things may be happening out of school that make her feel stressed and fearful. Her home may be an environment where aggressive behaviour is the norm. Whatever the rationale of her behaviour, she urgently needs to realise that school is a place of safety where she can relax.
So, give her all the positive attention and praise you can. Give her useful jobs and thank her for being helpful so her fragile ego is soothed. She needs patience and support if she is going to be able to feel safe enough to calm down and learn better coping strategies and interactions.
Help her to feel safe by giving clear and frequent guidance about the behaviours that are acceptable in your classroom and school. Be specific and positive, such as, 'In this classroom, we always remember the rule about sharing toys. Why do we do that? Yes, we do it because then everyone gets a chance to play with the toys and no-one is left out. It is a very important rule because it means that everyone is happy.' Remember to state rules as positive things - for example, it is better to give children the rule 'We are kind and helpful' than to get angry and say, 'Don't hit and snatch.'
Is it possible for her to have a little one-to-one time with a learning support assistant? They could talk to her about the behaviours that will improve her sense of security and ensure that she receives praise and appreciation rather than warnings and trouble.
Work together
Keep a watchful eye on her and note what causes her anxiety and what lessens it. This will be useful if you decide to discuss her problems with her caregivers, when you will be able to discover if she behaves in the same ways at home. It would be much easier if you can work as a team with her parents or carers. This discussion would also help you to work out what she needs to help her move away from her defensive, aggressive behaviour.
She also needs to be taught coping strategies. The kind of watchful defensive aggression she employs is energy- sapping. She would benefit from learning how to calm her emotions and switch on her thinking brain. Teach her some breathing techniques like slowing the breath and counting to ten or repeating the mantra, 'Cool blue sea'. You could laminate a picture of the sea (or another place she finds soothing). Then she can look at the picture when she is trying to breathe calmly.
She also needs to learn that actions have consequences. Point out that her actions have an effect on the people around her. Help her to develop more empathy for her classmates by pointing out the consequences like this: 'When you shook your fist at Susie, she felt upset and frightened. You didn't need to do that. If you smile and ask her if she will let you have the doll in a minute, I'm sure that she will be kind and share it with you.
You would just have to be patient and wait your turn and Susie would share it with you, because sharing is something we all do in this school.'
Puppet power
Finally, utilise the power of metaphor through drama, puppets and stories to help this girl and her peers. She needs to learn how to explain and describe her needs in words rather than actions. By giving children pretend dramas and puppets, you are offering them a magical way of practising skills that allow them to be active and thoughtful without making them talk about their real situations. They can try out new roles and ways of behaving in the safest way possible.
This child would benefit from 'talking' to a big puppet who has just had her hair pulled and been kicked. For example, 'Hello, I'm so glad you're here to help me. I've just had a horrible time. I wanted to play with my favourite tea set when a boy pulled it from me. I said "no" and he pulled my hair and kicked me. Ouch! I don't know what to do. I'm so sad. What shall I do?' See if these opening lines help the child to give advice.
We do a lot of work with unhappy children who become the 'behaviour managers' for puppet children! They hold a sticker book for the naughty puppet and when the puppet talks about how she has been kind or gentle, the real child gives them a special sticker in their book and praises them for trying hard. In this way you can help children become agents of change and not passive victims of emotions.
If you build children's empathy through imagination, then you can help children care about others' feelings. Many children have had difficult experiences when they were younger and their emotional age could still be around the age of 18 months. Consequently they are egocentric and immersed in the passion of their own feelings. Our role as parents and educators is to help children move towards the ability to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions.
If young children can imaginatively take responsibility for puppets'
problems and behaviours, then this will help them to move beyond their own immediate pain.
We play such a responsible role in children's lives. It's vital that we explore every way we possibly can to help the child feel happier in coping with their everyday life. NW
Jenny Mosley is the founder and director of Quality Circle Time. Ross Grogan is a children's author and leading member of Jenny Mosley Consultancies' research and writing team
Further information
* Jenny Mosley Consultancies tel: 01225 767157, email, ginnys@ jennymosley.co.uk or go to www.circle-time.co.uk
* Golden Rule books, eight in total but can be purchased separately, A3 Pounds 13.95 each, A5 5.95 each. The Golden Rule Handbook, 10.95. All published by Positive Press, 01225 719204
* Golden Rules Friends puppets, set of six, 14.99, as above
If you have a child behaviour query that you would like answered, write to Nursery World, 66-68 East Smithfield, London E1W 1BX, fax 020 7782 3131 or e-mail: annette.rawstrone@nurseryworld.co.uk. All letters will be treated in the strictest confidence but only published questions will be answered.
