'That's mine, not yours!' 'You can't ride a bike as well as me!' 'He always gets to go first!' As tempers reach boiling point, the cries escalate to, 'I hate you!' Brotherly and sisterly love is forgotten as blows are often exchanged and tears flow. Then come the accusations as the referee steps in -'He started it!' 'No, you did!' It's a scenario all too familiar to parents and to nannies - sibling rivalry.
A spiteful but temporary spat between brothers and sisters? Perhaps. But how their relationship develops can be crucial to the rest of their lives and depends largely on the way parents and other carers, including nannies, approach any conflict.
That is essentially the message from Sibling Rivalry, Sibling Love, a new book which draws together many strands of research on the subject, with contributions from a range of experts including academics and health and childcare professionals.
Co-authors Jan Parker and Jan Stimpson emphasise the lasting impact of those early skirmishes. 'How our children get on will determine the nature of our family life. Their sibling relationships will profoundly affect their view of themselves and others, influencing their life-choices from career path to partner, and even the number of children they have.'
Jillian Pudney has a longer experience of sibling rivalry than most. She has encountered it from two differing perspectives: as the mother of a grown-up son and daughter, and now as a live-in nanny for the past four years to four children aged between 12 and four.
She recalls how her daughter, now aged 29, would try to dominate her more gentle, elder brother, and she has witnessed the same tendencies in families while working as a nanny both in this country and back in her native Australia. 'Really, it comes down to power,' she says. 'Sibling rivalry is not, as some people describe it, just the behaviour of brats, although that's how it seems. It really is a normal part of growing up. My son and daughter have a very close bond now.'
Sibling Rivalry, Sibling Love emphasises this 'normality' and the positive elements of sibling conflict, which can result in stronger bonds in later life. Adrienne Katz, director of the charity Young Voices, agrees it is normal and says it can even be of practical use at school. 'Fighting and arguing with your sibling is quite a good preparation for surviving in the playground. It's one way children learn negotiation and survival skills.'
In an interview with Professional Nanny, Jan Parker says that nannies must accept that all brothers and sisters fight. 'It's part of their healthy development. Nannies, like parents, can't eradicate sibling conflict and should not attempt to. But they can do a huge amount to encourage more considerate and affectionate relations between the children in their care.'
For Jacky Lewis, who runs the agency North London Nannies and is also a practising psychotherapist, that depends on the careful selection of nannies who can work in partnership with families. 'We choose our nannies for their skills of empathy and attunement. We consider these to be the most important skills a nanny can possess. Sibling rivals are vying to be heard, and a well-attuned nanny can give them equal space, managing tricky situations with dexterity.'
These are skills that Hazel Dillon, 27, has honed during her eight years as a nanny. Currently she cares four days a week for a boy aged four who has Fragile X syndrome, a genetic disorder which means he has learning, sensory and communication impairments, and his 18-month-old sister. She also spends a day looking after a four-year-old girl with cerebral palsy. She has also worked with children without special needs.
'With younger children I believe "jealousy" is a better way of describing the relationship rather than "rivalry", says Hazel. If children argue over a toy, her strategy is to let them sort it out themselves. 'There is no point in jumping in. If they continue to argue I put the toy away on a high shelf and then bring it out later when it's not the centre of an argument.'
Jan Parker says that nannies 'can help kids cope constructively with rows.
If siblings are arguing over a toy, the nanny can help them see some way of resolving the situation, by taking turns or compromising'.
Her book suggests that taking turns is a more effective approach than sharing. 'Turn-taking can be a more acceptable concept to competitive siblings. Sharing may imply giving something up. Turn-taking suggests ensuring that they get their way as often as everyone else. This may only be a matter of spin, but, for battling brothers and sisters, saving face and not appearing to have "lost" can be as important as claiming the toy.'
But, says Jan Parker, 'if tempers are at boiling point, the nanny's job is to separate them until they are ready to negotiate a solution'. And finding joint solutions will stand their relationship in good stead for life.
Sibling Rivalry, Sibling Love has a significant sub-heading: 'What every brother and sister needs their parents to know'. Jan Parker explains, 'The key to promoting considerate relations is an understanding and respect for children's feelings. Kids, like adults, act out how they feel when they can't get their message across. We should acknowledge the reasons for their anger, but tell them they must not hit.'
Hazel Dillon believes she can be more objective in dealing with sibling rivalry because, as a nanny, she does not have the same emotional attachment to the children in her care as their parents and is therefore less easily subjected to emotional blackmail. She says she will discuss how a child is progressing and what they are doing with their parents, but would not raise issues concerning a child's relations with the parents unless they sought her advice.
While working in a family with an autistic child, she saw how emotionally vulnerable parents fell into the trap of appearing to favour that child over a sibling 'because there is often a panic surrounding a child with special needs'. To compensate, she says, she made sure to give the other child in the family as much attention as possible.
However, there are ways that nannies can 'delicately broach the subject of favouritism with the parents in a non-confrontational, non-judgemental way', according to Jan Parker. She explains, 'There is nothing wrong if parents seem to have more affinity for a particular child at a given moment. That's all part of the rhythm of family life. The danger is when that becomes set and rigid, when a child feels they are less acknowledged, less loved.'
Parents are understandably defensive on such issues, but nannies, by the nature of their work, often have a detached but intimate knowledge of how a family works and this can enable them to discuss not simply a child's sporting or academic abilities, but also feelings and concerns.
'If this is part of the everyday discussion, then it's not unknown territory when something sensitive has to be discussed. It is just a continuation of the relationship of trust and understanding already built up between the nanny and the family. As a result, parents already have experience of a nanny's insight and feel less threatened by it. Feelings become part of the everyday vocabulary in the household.'
If a nanny does intervene to protect or boost a child's self-esteem, it can have lasting benefits. Jan Parker quotes a study by Dr Leon Feinstein of the Wider Benefits of Learning Research Centre, which found that higher self-esteem among ten-year-olds was a greater factor in reducing anti-social behaviour and improving earning power later in life than social class, education or the absence of a parent through divorce.
