Whenever a family grows from an only child to two or more, the question arises, 'How well do the children get along?' Some discussions imply that sibling rivalry or strong feelings of jealousy are inevitable. But is rivalry a regular pattern of family life? How can you help, even if it is not a large problem?
Judy Dunn completed a great deal of observational research in families from the 1980s onwards. She and her colleagues highlighted the great variety that can be seen and heard in sibling relationships. The arrival of a new baby was an adjustment for older children and some were not at all pleased about this change. Yet Dunn's research showed a lot of playful interaction and caring relationships, as well as persistent wind-ups and emotional quarrels. Her research also highlighted how young children were observant of adults' behaviour and alert to any difference in how siblings were treated.
Young children will upset each other from time to time, and happy play sometimes ends in tears. You would not consider the label of sibling rivalry unless you were watching brothers and sisters. Otherwise, you notice that friends have fallen out. Perhaps they need some time apart, or your umpiring and problem-solving skills.
Children have some choice in making friends. But they are stuck with the siblings their parents have produced. General research into sibling relationships has not produced neat patterns. For instance, some studies found that siblings of the same sex tended to get along better. Then, other studies came up with an equally strong trend of more harmonious relationships between boys and girls. Individual temperament matters a great deal.
Research suggests that family atmosphere and the example set by parents counts more than trying to find the perfect age gap and sex mix between siblings. It has been found that siblings squabble more seriously if their parents row a great deal. There is also more ill feeling when parents have favourites among their children.
You will be aware that the arrival of a new baby can be a tough time for children. But, with support, older brothers and sisters can be thrilled by the new arrival. I have known families where the sibling rivalry was about who could make the baby smile or teach her to suck her thumb.
You will notice how young children turn to fisticuffs when they do not yet have the words to deal with more complex disagreements. But siblings who played happily together in early childhood can face a sticky patch in primary school or later. Older children may build playground credibility by dismissing younger siblings, even bullying them. In the teenage years, tough emotions sometimes get taken out on siblings as well as parents.
You can share practical advice with parents, and remind them that even siblings who are genuinely fond of each other will sometimes fall out. But it is equally important that you and your colleagues behave in an even-handed way.
* Treat siblings as individuals. It is unjust to line up expectations, positive or negative. There must be no comments like, 'Your sister was good at... so why aren't you?' or 'Another of the Brown boys! I've got my eye on you.'
* Avoid assuming that siblings will always feel in emotional or intellectual competition. Unless children are twins or very close in age, they will usually be in different nursery rooms or school classes.
* If siblings do squabble, then use the same skills that you would use for defusing any disagreement between children or any doubts they express such as, 'Do you like Marsha more than me?' NW
* See our under-threes pull-out series for practitioners which begins this week
