Whether they are overprotective or constantly fighting, siblings need to be treated as individuals if they are to realise their full potential, writes Jennie Lindon
Children's social interactions are often with their peers, but for many children, their social life also includes siblings. Nurseries, playgroups, schools and out-of-school care will sometimes have children with one or more siblings in the same setting, although not always in the same group or class.
So what kind of impact could there be on children's behaviour, if they attend the same setting as a sibling? Just as important, in what ways could adults' behaviour change when they realise that children are siblings?
It is worth recalling that, although many siblings will share the same mother and father, some children will be half-siblings (one parent in common) or step-siblings (no birth parent in common). But if children have been in the same family for years, they will feel just as much brother and sister as children whose birth family has never changed.
Children can choose their friends but not their brother or sister. So it is not surprising that sibling relationships vary a great deal, and adults outside the family need to avoid assumptions or expectations. Some siblings get on very well throughout their childhood. Some go through tough times together, provoked as much by outside events as individual development. Others dislike each other from their earliest years, and see no reason to change their opinion.
Positive side
When siblings get along well, they can miss each other's company in the shift from home to nursery or school. An older sibling may very much want to know that a younger brother or sister is fine, and will be concerned if the baby is crying. Babies and toddlers may be reassured to see an older sibling is also in the setting.
Of course, you do not want older children feeling burdened with caring responsibility. But often an involved older sibling chooses to help out with baby care and is proud to be able to tell you 'my baby likes to be tickled just there'. Older siblings who are kept away from a younger brother or sister may be distressed and unable to develop their own social life and play companions. (See also Nursery World, 'Big and little', 11 January 2001).
It is important to consider siblings' need to see each other and encourage visits between the rooms during the day, as well as making outdoor contact straightforward.
Time apart
However, sometimes the caring inclinations of a sibling, often but not always the older one, may be blocking the development of the other child. Perhaps a brother or sister is very happy to have their sibling speak up or fetch and carry for them.
Bear in mind that some families, and some cultural traditions, are especially supportive of children's involvement in family routines and the care of younger children. It is important not to make caring siblings feel they are doing wrong. Instead, acknowledge the children's caring and helpful qualities, while creating some personal space so the other sibling develops communication skills and self-reliance. Siblings with special needs may benefit from the translation skills or physical support of a brother or sister, but still need to develop their own potential.
Model appropriate behaviour in your interactions with children. For example:
- Share with a sibling how to step back and wait a while, for example, 'Hold on a moment, let's give her a chance to say for herself.'
- Guide keen siblings to encourage rather than take over, by showing how you interact with their sibling. Ask, 'Do you want some help?', suggest, 'You could try it this way' or gently persuade with, 'Go on, you try first'.
- If siblings seem to be very intertwined, you may need to create space for each one to be with their peers. Talk with parents if this seems to be an issue, say what you are planning and ask for their views. Perhaps you could explain, 'I am concerned that Andy still waits for Lorna to speak up for him. Until we give them more time apart, we can't really say if Andy is unable to say the words, or is just choosing not to speak.'
Negative patterns
Sometimes siblings bring a negative pattern with them into your setting. Perhaps Colin and Ben torment each other with words and actions at home. They each delight in getting their brother into trouble and use this 'success' to gain credit with their peers or parents. Deal with troubles between siblings with the same positive, but firm, approach you would use if they were unrelated children.
For instance:
- Listen to both in an even-handed way. Explore, 'What happened here?' and avoid being drawn into, 'He started it!' and 'He called me a...'
- Highlight that both children have feelings, and acknowledge positively even minor improvements in how they treat each other.
- Siblings who annoy each other may need space apart even more than unrelated children, who go home to their own family. Siblings do not get this break and may even share the same bedroom.
- Make the time to have a friendly conversation with the children's parents. Explain what you are doing in the setting and allow parents to talk about what is happening at home.
- Those who are struggling with negative patterns of behaviour between siblings at home may welcome suggestions for finding further help. One possibility is Parentline Plus which has a free 24-hour helpline on 0808 800 2222.
- There are also very sound ideas in the video We can work it out: parenting with confidence, by the Open School Network and Save the Children (01752 202301).
Adult behaviour
Some siblings' difficulties are caused by adult behaviour. Some practitioners and parents find it difficult to treat siblings as individuals. Adults may make inappropriate comparisons betweensiblings. For example:
- A less well-behaved child is sometimes told tartly, 'Why can't you be good like your sister? I never had this cheeky behaviour from her!'
- Perhaps adults expect a similar level of skill or interest from a child as that of their sibling, for instance, 'I would have expected you to be better at maths'.
These kind of comments, and the assumptions underlying them, do not help the child. There is also a chance that thoughtless practioners could cause family trouble between the siblings, especially if there is already an atmosphere of resentment at home.
A further level of 'bad' adult behaviour occurs when a family has a reputation and children are not given any chance to start afresh as individuals. The slightest trouble is met with, 'You're another Baker! I know your family and I'll be watching you!' Such behaviour is deeply unprofessional, but there is no use pretending it does not sometimes happen. Staffroom gossip can fuel adult reactions that then create negative behaviour from angry children. Individual practitioners and teams need to address an appropriate behaviour policy and practice in the setting.
Further reading
- Judy Dunn (1984) Sisters and brothers Fontana
- Jennie Lindon (1998) Understanding child development Thomson Learning
