All about… consent

World peace starts on the changing table’ – a quote by Ute Strub, German Pikler pedagogue and trainer – is framed and hung in the baby room at Little Peanuts Day Nursery in Wheldrake, York.

For nursery director Sarah Hardwell, this seemingly simple statement has many layers – from carrying out intimate care moments with the child’s co-operation and treating them with respect to building trust and enabling them to have a ‘voice’ and make choices, starting from when they are babies (see Case study). She regards it as the foundations of consent, which can be defined as individuals having real choice and control and actively giving permission.

‘Consent is vitally important,’ says Hardwell. ‘It’s the starting point for everything with even very young children who otherwise have so little agency in their lives. They get picked up, put in the car, brought to nursery, have food put in front of them, and their day can be totally out of their control. But if children are enabled to be aware of their own agency and are able to make choices and decisions, then I think that makes a huge difference to them.

‘Imagine if everyone has the experience of co-operative care, rather than having things “done” to them, has carers who are attentive to their needs and let them show what they want and when they want it. It will lead to a wonderful world.’

WHY CONSENT IS IMPORTANT

Consent in early childhood involves teaching children about personal boundaries, respect for others and understanding that they have the right to make decisions about their bodies and personal space. ‘Giving consent means saying it is OK for something to happen,’ explains Eleanor Morrison, US-based equal rights activist and author of C is for Consent.

‘We directly and indirectly teach children how to interact with others every day; why would we leave off consent? The more opportunities children have to practise understanding, respecting and voicing body boundaries, the more self-assured and considerate they’ll grow to be. Consent often gets wrapped into conversations around abuse prevention, which is a very real concern, but it is so much bigger than that. It’s about respecting the autonomy of others, and competently navigating differing interests and desires. What a world it would be if all adults were more at ease with those skills.’

Melanie Pilcher, quality standards manager at the Early Years Alliance, adds that when educators support children to manage ‘big feelings’ or make decisions about their own bodies, such as whether they want to receive a hug or sit on someone’s knee, it supports their co-regulation. In turn, this helps a child to self-regulate their emotions and behaviour.

‘Children who do not feel they have “a say” are likely to be more vulnerable and compliant in situations that are potentially a risk to them,’ she says.

‘A positive relationship between the child and educator is one based on mutual respect. Nobody wants a child to always “do what the grown-up says” because they have realised that resistance is futile. There are many subtle messages that we send out to children about their right to consent or refuse.’

Teaching consent early can support:

Establishing boundaries: Understanding their own boundaries can empower children to confidently communicate their needs and preferences.

Respecting others: Learning to seek and respect consent teaches children to consider others’ feelings and autonomy.

Promoting healthy relationships: Children who learn to value and respect consent are more likely to develop positive interpersonal skills and navigate relationships with empathy and understanding.

Preventing harm: By understanding the importance of consent, children are more likely to recognise when their boundaries are violated, or at risk of being violated, and tell an adult (see Further information).

STARTING WITH BABIES

The topic of consent can be dismissed as something for older children, but a culture of consent can be developed from the baby room onwards by staff tuning into babies’ body language and understanding their cues. National Day Nurseries Association chief executive Purnima Tanuku points out that even babies and infants have the capacity to consent to physical interactions. ‘Always engage with a child before picking them up,’ she says. ‘Just because babies can’t move around by themselves does not mean they should be picked up and moved around without being involved in that decision.’

Nappy changing is one of the most intimate things you can do with a child, so Tanuku says asking for consent should be standard. She advises:

• Nappy changing should be sensitive, respectful and mutually engaging. Children should be involved in the process and not rushed.
• When asking to change a nappy: make sure the child is not deeply engaged in something first, get on their level, get their attention by quietly chatting to them about nappy-changing time. It can be challenging if a child says no, but respond by giving them age-appropriate power – would they like to walk or be carried? What song will you sing on the way? This applies to babies too. Make it a loving exchange and positive experience.
• If a child says no to a nappy change (verbally or through other means like crying or pulling away), question if they would prefer someone else to do it. Work on building strong, mutually respectful relationships with children.
• Reframe thinking about nappy changing – this is quality one-on-one time – and use it to get to know them. Sing a favourite song and connect with them.

SAYING NO

Morrison agrees with Tanuku that at times it is important to do something even if a child says no, but this can still be done in a way that provides agency to the child by giving them choices. ‘I’ve regularly told my children it’s my job to keep them safe and healthy, and I need to do my job,’ says Morrison. ‘Hugs and kisses don’t have to happen if undesired, but a diaper has to be changed, shoes have to go on before leaving – those are health and safety issues.’

For issues not related to health and safety, she says it is important for children to know they can say no and for staff not to act hurt. ‘It must always feel safe and acceptable for children to deny bids for physical affection, so their sense of self-determination can blossom,’ she says.

Early years adviser Rachel Tapping adds that at times when it is not possible to offer a choice, it can still be done in a kind and respectful way. ‘Think about how you phrase what you say in order to guide children to do the things that need to be done and only offer choices when you’re clear that it is an actual choice,’ she advises.

Tapping emphasises the importance of teamwork and ensuring that staff have a similar approach so there is a clear and consistent message.

PRACTISING CONSENT

Teaching children consent can begin with simple, age-appropriate concepts such as asking before hugging a friend or waiting for a peer’s agreement before joining in a game or sharing toys. These principles can become the foundation for building a more complex understanding of consent as children grow.

‘Most consent lessons in the early years settings are around simple expressions of physical affection,’ says Morrison. ‘Intercept when one child is trying to hug another to check with the recipient, “Hey, it looks like your friend wants to give a hug, do you want a hug?” If even a second of hesitation, remind them, “It’s okay if you don’t.”

‘So many children benefit from explicit scaffolding around it being OK to not return affection just because it’s desired by someone else, because for so long our society has expected adults can just hug and kiss children whenever those adults want it, which is not a healthy long-term lesson in body boundaries. You can also help teach children about nonverbal cues so they start picking up on those, but emphasise the importance of verbal directness above all, because nonverbals can be misunderstood.’

Haddo Woodland Kindergarten

Consistently asking for a child’s consent before engaging in physical contact, or respecting their decisions regarding personal space, can highlight the importance of consent. It is important for staff to role model consent in the setting and use clear and concise phrases, such as ‘Is it OK if I hug you?’, or ‘Can we play together?’.

Children also need to learn to say no, such as explicitly stating, ‘Stop, I don’t like it’, and using an agreed hand signal. Engaging children in role-play activities, where children can practise asking for consent and responding to others’ requests, can help to reinforce concepts in a playful way.

At Children’s House Montessori in Birling, Kent, which is a Gold-accredited UNICEF Rights Respecting School, the children use a ‘peace table’ to resolve issues and conflict. Through sitting at the table and holding a toy bunny to signify that it is their time to talk, they are able to practise sharing their feelings and listening to each other. Children also practise democracy by voting for ‘rights’, which are used as their boundaries and expectations.

‘Listening to children and practising consent is at the heart of our ethos,’ says principal Randa William. ‘Essentially it’s the children’s house and the adults have the privilege of guiding them.’

Through teaching consent, it is hoped that children will grow up confident of their own boundaries and views and respectful of other people’s too, which leads to building healthy relationships.

Case study: Little Peanuts Day Nursery in Wheldrake, York

Nursery director Sarah Hardwell considers consent as central to her setting’s culture. ‘We start with the baby room and will always speak to a child and show them a nappy or a visual symbol to make it clear that nappy changing is coming,’ she explains. ‘We want even the youngest of children to know that we aren’t doing this to them but doing it with them.’

Wherever possible, children are involved in intimate care, such as holding the nappy or helping to put their trousers back on. Children are asked before their faces or noses are cleaned and given the option of doing it themselves.

The setting’s approach continues as children get older. At mealtimes, children choose which food they want and how much. ‘The options are good, such as choosing between peas and carrots or both. But it gives the children agency and helps them to develop self-confidence,’ explains Hardwell.

Staff also ask a child before stepping in, such as ‘would you like me to help you with that?’. ‘We would never pick up a child and say “Let’s have a cuddle and sort this out”, because that’s not necessarily going to help them. Instead, we’d offer a hug or ask what would help them feel better, such as to sit and read a story,’ Hardwell says. If a child has upset another – perhaps by bumping into them or snatching a toy – staff will help to explain why the child is unhappy, support them to understand the other child’s point of view and ask how they can help them to feel better. For example, apologising for snatching the toy. ‘We have conversations with children and role model suggestions, which becomes more sophisticated as the children get older,’ says Hardwell.

Case study: Haddo Woodland Kindergarten in Methlick, Aberdeenshire

‘We find that children’s agency develops naturally within our culture of caring and professional love,’ says owner and manager Denise Bowie.

Adults treat children with respect and provide a calm, unhurried outdoor environment where the children are supported and encouraged to articulate emotions, feelings, thoughts and ideas. The adults listen carefully to children’s contributions and always involve them when reaching decisions and making choices that affect them directly. When taking and using photos of children, they are always asked for consent before an adult takes a picture. If the answer is no, irrespective of parents’ consent, they will not proceed. Children are also involved in the interview process when recruiting new staff. They have their own questions and share their evaluations with staff.

‘We support the development of problem-solving skills by encouraging independent thinking and collaboration with peers,’ says Bowie. ‘We promote critical-thinking skills by posing open-ended questions and encouraging the children to hypothesise. For example, when we find a dead bird or animal on site, we launch a Kindy investigation where the children consider a variety of possibilities as to “whodunit”.’

Supporting children to build strong communication skills enables them to interact with confidence and a feeling of empowerment, creating a sense of control over their lives. ‘They can resolve issues with peers without the need for adult intervention,’ says Bowie.

‘We call this “future proofing” our children – providing them with the communication, negotiation and decision-making skills that will hopefully equip them for life.’

Photos: Little Peanuts Day Nursery and Haddo Woodland Kindergarten

FURTHER INFORMATION

C is for Consent board book by Eleanor Morrison and Faye Orlove

Statutory guidance Keeping children safe in education 2022

NSPCC’s ‘PANTS rule’

‘V is for Voting’ by Amy Jackson (Nursery World, June 2024)