New Siblings - Small wonder?

My brother was born when I was two years old and I clearly remember meeting him for the first time. I was quite taken aback at becoming a big sister and didn’t fully understand the implications. In fact, I told my parents that he shouldn’t come home with us when they put him in the car.

Since becoming a childcare practitioner, I’ve observed a wide range of reactions from children as they become older siblings. This can affect the whole family and even the nursery that the child attends. My experiences inspired me to write a dissertation for my early childhood studies degree on the approaches practitioners and parents put into place to help and support young children through the transition into siblinghood.

POSITIVES AND NEGATIVES

A new baby in the family is a time of change that can bring stress as well as happiness for everyone (Dunn 1988, cited in Volling 2012).1 For a child, gaining a sibling may be a positive experience – for example, enhancing their independence – but it can also result in negative reactions, such as:

• poor or attention-seeking behaviour, such as tantrums, biting and being non-compliant
• becoming more ‘needy’, getting easily upset or starting to wet themselves
• having an adverse impact on the child’s learning and development
• rejecting the new sibling.

Often struggling with accepting a new baby can be attributed to the child not fully understanding what is happening. They can feel left out and no longer loved.

The child’s age can also contribute to how they cope with the transition. Younger children have less developed communication skills, resulting in them not being able to communicate how they feel (Maroni 2007).2 However, older children have a better chance of coping because they tend to be able to control and understand their emotions better.

Maroni suggests that a four-year-old should be able to cope with the change better than a two-year-old because the child will have ‘developed a clearer sense of his own identity’. A four-year-old is often starting to become more independent, such as not relying on their mother to be breastfed. They are also likely to have started nursery or school, which can help them to develop their own friends outside the family circle.

In contrast, Roberts (2006)3 suggests that it may be more difficult for an older child to adapt to siblinghood because they have been the centre of attention for longer and will need to get used to sharing their parents and adapt to having less time with them. Reassuringly, Yamazaki (2003)4found that three months after the birth, children start to act like an older sibling, suggesting that all they need is time.

ADVICE TO PARENTS

Eighty per cent of the parents I spoke to for my dissertation said they had helped their eldest child ease into the role of becoming a sibling. Despite this, many had not received advice on how to prepare their child.

When it came to becoming a big brother or sister, many parents found that their child had mixed emotions. Twenty per cent said their child felt ‘apprehensive’, 40 per cent said ‘excited’, and 40 per cent said ‘jealous’, with some parents saying their child was experiencing both excitement and jealousy.

One parent said her older child would pull her hair while she held the baby, while another found that the older child always wanted to be taken to the toilet when it was time to feed the baby.

O’Conner (2013)5 states that for a smooth transition, the child must have a secure base, which is a secure attachment. This is agreed by Bowlby (1969, cited in Volling et al2014),6 who believed that the stronger the attachment the child had with their mother, the easier it would be to ease them into becoming a sibling. One example could be for a parent to spend quality time with the first child in order to minimise the risk of them feeling left out.

It is important for parents to explain to their child what is happening so they do not misunderstand or become confused. However, many parents may not know how to do this, which is where childbirth educators can assist. Or parents can gain support from other professionals such as midwives, health visitors and teachers.

Some children find their own ways to deal with the change, with some parents stating that their children would play with dolls. One mother said that her child began to copy her by looking after their doll and pretending to breastfeed, burp it and change its nappy.

A BIG CHANGE

All of the practitioners that I interviewed appreciated the scale of the change for the older sibling and that it is important to support a child who is expecting a sibling, with their comments including:

• ‘It is a big change and a difficult time.’
• ‘A child’s behaviour can change.’
• ‘We can play a key role in helping a child understand.’
• ‘We can provide key support to families too.’

Practitioners, particularly the child’s key person, can play an essential role by supporting, listening and planning activities that may further the child’s understanding of what it means to become a big brother or sister. The child’s key person can be the secondary attachment that the child needs, to whom they can go with any worries or when in need of comfort (Elfer et al2012).7 Dowling (1995, cited in Trodd 2012)8 states that children need to be informed, have time, have a sense of belonging, be resilient and be more able to cope with change.

Positive support includes:

• developing effective communication with the child to enable them to express their feelings and emotions
• giving lots of one-to-one time and cuddles
• easing a child into their new sibling role by reading books specifically aimed at welcoming babies into the family
• providing dolls and baby items in the home corner
• focusing on group work in which children communicate, share and learn with their peers
• setting up baby workshops in which children can learn about babies and how to care for them
• putting on programmes or additional services to help children who are due to have a new sibling or are finding becoming a sibling difficult.

It is important for practitioners to communicate with parents and carers to establish how they are feeling and if they are worried or anxious. They should empathise with the parents and provide help and reassurance (O’Conner 2013).9 This allows the parents to feel calmer and less stressed about how their first child may cope with the change. It also enables a two-way exchange of helpful strategies.

IMPROVING PRACTICE

Conducting this study has enabled me to be critical of my practice and look at things in a different way. I now respond in a more positive way to children who are due to become older siblings:

• I try to get involved more with expectant parents and involve their child in talk about baby scans and preparations for their new sibling.
• Sometimes in circle time we will discuss being a sibling and talk about what is good about being an older brother and sister and what an important role it is.
• We have updated our book corner to include books about babies and becoming a sibling. We share these with all children, but particularly if they are expecting a new baby.
• The home corner has also been changed to include more dolls and baby equipment that children can use to act out what is happening in their homes.
• Considering what it feels like to become a big brother or sister has led to me spending more one-to-one time with children who are new to the role because I am aware that at home their parents will have a lot of time taken up with the new baby. We talk positively about the new baby and I reassure the child that they will be a great brother or sister.

Rachel Howe is a nursery assistant and studied for her BA Hons in early childhood studies at the University of Derby. She spoke to Annette Rawstrone

STORYTIME

Sophie and the New Baby by Catherine and Laurence Anholt

My Sister is an Alien by Rachel Bright

The New Small Person by Lauren Child

References

1. Volling B (2012) ‘Family transitions following the birth of a sibling: An Empirical Review of changes in the firstborn’s adjustment’, Psychological Bulletin, 138 (3)

2. Maroni L (2007) Understanding 4-5-year-olds. Jessica Kingsley

3. Roberts R (2006) Self-Esteem and Early Learning: Key People from Birth to School. Paul Chapman

4. Yamazaki A (2003) ‘The formation of a family of four while considering the development of the firstborn child’, Journal of Japan Academy of Midwifery, 17 (1)

5. & 9. O’Conner A (2013) Understanding Transitions in the Early Years. Routledge

6. Volling B et al(2014) ‘Children’s responses to mother-infant and father-infant interaction with a baby sibling: jealousy or joy?’, Journal of Family Psychology, 28 (5)

7. Elfer P, Goldschmied E and Sellock D (2012) Key Persons in the Early Years. Routledge

8. Trodd L (2012) Transitions in the Early Years. Sage