Positive Relationships: Working with Parents - At face value

Children come to us not just as unique individuals, but also as part of an equally unique group of related people - their family.

With that comes a set of behaviours, expectations, customs and use of language that helps to form the child's identity and their way of looking at the world. The child's parents, and indeed their extended family, will have contributed significantly to the development of this home culture, whatever their race, creed or religion.

Without parents, we early years educators would not have a job. But as soon as children (and their families) enter the world of education - be that day nursery, a childminder's home, playgroup or reception class - then their culture collides with that of their educators, as well as other families in the setting. Children bring this culture with them, just as they may bring a favourite toy in their pocket, or their lunch in their lunchbox.

A child's developing confidence and self-esteem are hugely dependent on feeling that their way of life, who they are and what they know and believe are valued and understood. Feeling undervalued, either as an adult or a child, can lead to diminishing self-esteem and a lack of willingness to communicate effectively with those we perceive to be judging us.

It is important, then, that we do our utmost to develop positive and open relationships with adults as well as children. How we, as professionals, work with adults is affected by the way in which we view the lives of the families in the community. The more effective our relationships with parents and carers, the more effective the education of the children in our care will be. It is our duty to work at understanding and, by implication, knowing and valuing each of the families who attend our setting, whatever our own culture and beliefs may be.

Conversing about families in the most positive ways possible, empathising with whatever difficulties they may have, and being open, friendly and welcoming costs no money, but improves the experience of education for everyone. This can be a daunting task, but there is no doubt in my mind that it is one that is central to the well-being of the children in our care.

TIME TO REFLECT

Take a little time to reflect on the ways in which families are discussed in your setting. What kind of language is used? Are judgements made swiftly and harshly? Sometimes it can seem like parents can't win! Interested parents are described as 'pushy', while apparently uninterested parents are described as 'hard to reach'. Opinions about families can be formed too quickly, perpetuating harmful stereotypes.

'The people from that estate have always been trouble' is a phrase that I heard recently. Value judgements like this predispose practitioners to behave in certain ways with specific groups of families, when this is not the most useful approach.

But it also has to be acknowledged that working with numerous different families does present challenges. Finding time to interact with adults as well as children at a level that is purposeful, respectful and effective isn't easy in even the most familyfriendly settings. However, it is a necessary and important part of our job, underlined by Dame Clare Tickell in her review of the EYFS.

OUR RELATIONSHIP

So, what should our relationship with families look like? For me, it should mirror our ideal relationships with children. It should be one of partnership in learning, empowerment and celebration of achievements, building self-esteem and confidence.

I want to illustrate what this could look like in practice with a 'real-life' example from my own childhood, which admittedly is from almost 50 years ago, but perfectly exemplifies the point that I wish to make.

I attended an infants school in a 'tough' (whatever that might mean) part of Liverpool, and I expect that now, my family would have been described in negative terms, perhaps even being called 'hard to reach' and certainly 'underprivileged'. Christmas was approaching, and the reception class teacher planned for us to make a Christmas pudding. This is something that most of the group would never have experienced at home, not because our parents didn't care, or didn't cook, but because it would have seemed a really expensive thing to do!

Each child in the class was given an ingredient to bring; ours was suet. The fact that I can clearly remember the relief on my mother's face that 'our' contribution was affordable and readily available is some measure of how important this event was to all of us. Anyway, the ingredients were duly taken into school, the school kitchen appropriated and the pudding cooked and eaten. It is some testament to the teacher that I remember this as clearly as I do, so many years down the line.

For me, this was an illustration of what happens when educators begin their relationships with families with a positive outlook rather than from a deficit model. This teacher didn't describe all the families from my council estate as being 'hard to reach' or 'dysfunctional'. She thought about ways in which everybody could be involved, respected the difficulties (particularly financial) that families might face and thought about ways to overcome them - rather than apportion blame, or decree that her class would not be making a Christmas pudding because she didn't think the parents would be interested!

Clearly, she took a chance, but it paid off, to the benefit of all concerned. No-one failed, no child was excluded and everyone felt valued. At the heart of the project's success was her willingness to make the activity possible and to trust the families to succeed.

IN CONTRAST

Contrast this story with a discussion I overheard recently in the build-up to a school summer fete. Teaching staff were contemplating the gathering of bottles for the bottle stall. It was suggested that the school would hold a non-uniform day and a child would only be allowed not to wear uniform if they brought in a bottle for the stall.

This discussion took place on a Monday; the school fete was the following Saturday. Let's think about it for a moment. That's a short time-frame in most households. It's easy to assume that a bottle is easy to find, and if one is not easily at hand, then one should be easily obtainable, and perhaps quite cheaply, theoretically making this an event offering equality of access for all.

On reflection though, perhaps this is not the case. What if you haven't got a suitable bottle to hand? What if it's one of those tricky weeks that befall all of us from time to time and it's just not possible to get hold of one that will be suitable? What if you are worried that your bottle will not be considered 'good enough'? What if you're just too busy to read the note, or you forget?

For me, the impact of this kind of incident is never properly considered and reflected upon. The worst thing of all is that ultimately it will be the child who suffers the most. Wearing school uniform when your friends are not can feel humiliating. Families then feel annoyed (in my view, justifiably so) at the position that their child was placed in and feel ill-disposed towards the school.

Although both the above examples are from schools, they illustrate one of the most important things about building relationships wherever you may work: starting with a positive approach. I do feel that it is easy for settings to begin with a deficit model, which then suggests an entirely different approach to that adopted if we start with what parents, carers and families really can do and really have achieved in the pressured world we all live in.

Next month (Nursery World, 18 October), Helen will be looking at diversity within families

Helen Bromley is an early years consultant. Her series will explore a range of topics related to working with families, and at the heart of them all will be the belief that the vast majority of people are doing the best for their children that circumstances allow.

MORE INFORMATION

The Early Years: Foundations for life, health and learning. An Independent Report to HM Government by Dame Clare Tickell