Social Interactions part 3: Understanding how self-regulation and co-regulation work together

Self-regulation is something of a buzz term in the early years, and not without good reason. Learning how to manage powerful impulses and emotions is a critical part of child development. A babyis not born with the capacity to do this, it is something they have to learn. This makes self-regulation a fundamental aspect of the child’s emotional and social learning.

When children’s emotions are too difficult to bear, it affects their wellbeing and relations with others. We can all relate to this: our emotional lives and social interactions are intrinsically linked. Curiously, self-regulation is a term that we use mostly, if not exclusively, with reference to children. Aren’t we missing something important here?

DEFINING REGULATION

There can be a tendency for terms to lose their accurate meaning over time and be misused. So, let’s go back to basics for a moment.

Because an infant is not capable of understanding or managing their powerful feelings and impulses, they need our help. We soothe them, maybe by stroking or singing to them. If a young child need calming, we might talk gently to them or hold them closely. In these situations, the caregiver joins the infant in their emotional space and helps them move through it. This shared experience is co-regulation.

Put simply, self-regulation is the next step: it is when the child is increasingly able to do this for themselves. The role of the care-giver here is to support the child to understand and moderate their emotional being for themselves.

SUPPORTING YOUNG CHILDREN

Language plays a big part in this. It is why we often hear adults saying, ‘Try to use your words.’ Words are powerful: naming something can help it lose its potency.

Dr Jane Elfer, child and adolescent psychotherapist at the Association of Child Psychotherapists, says, ‘When a child is having what we rather sadly call a “tantrum”, it may be due to their frustration at not understanding why they cannot have that toy or ice cream. For some children this will happen frequently with screaming and kicking. It is impossible at that point to communicate effectively as the child is beyond reason or understanding. When that time has passed, a quiet and sympathetic talk can be helpful. Naming their upset and expressing an understanding of what happened helps the child feel heard.

‘The next time you see that rage building, it may help to say something like: “I know it is so hard to have to wait for your turn, but you will have your turn. Let’s do something else while we wait.” Emphasising the words and using emotion in your voice helps the child know that you understand their frustration.

‘If this is happening for several children throughout the day, it can be exhausting and draining. It may arouse our feelings of frustration because the child’s feelings have been “projected” (unconsciously) into us. We are consumed by their feelings: this is a communication from the child. They have no other way to make us understand.’

Emotions are complex things. If the adult is struggling with the effects of the child’s emotions on them, they are unlikely to be able to offer the support they need. Therefore, emotional support for practitioners is vital too.

SUPPORTING PRACTITIONERS

This can be done in a variety of ways. Here I want to focus on two:

• PSED training.
• Reflective practice.

The Anna Freud Centre recognises that staff working in challenging circumstances need support for their wellbeing. It has created an early years Staff Wellbeing Resource. This includes ideas for supportive management and changes to the physical environment. Central to this is opening up communication about staff wellbeing and stress.

The centre has a free online network for early years practitioners with guidance on supporting the mental health of babies, young children and families, called Early Years in Mind. It is also providing free PSED training as part of the Government’s Covid recovery work.

Dr Abigail Miranda, head of early years and prevention at the Anna Freud Centre, says, ‘The importance of adults being able to regulate their emotions, thoughts and behaviour is highly significant. Not only can they then model this behaviour to children, but they also can respond calmly to children in distress.’

The EYFS states that all staff must have supervision. This practice, however, is not widespread. The choice of term is unfortunate, suggesting more of a ‘checking up on’ or performance management. We do not have a tradition in the EYFS where practitioners can explore their emotional work in a safe place.

Sheringham Nursery School and Children’s Centre in the London Borough of Newham engages in ‘Work Discussions’. This is a version of supervision or reflective practice pioneered by Dr Peter Elfer Honorary Research Fellow, Early Childhood Teaching and Research, University of Roehampton.

Work Discussions are based on the premise that relationships are complicated. Dr Elfer explains that some children will get under the skin of adults, and this needs recognising and thinking about. Staff are given the opportunity to explore these emotions. The idea is that this helps them to think about what that child is trying to communicate: what their emotions might be. The practitioner is then more equipped to help support the child with their emotional state.

Dr Elfer says, ‘The greatest human need, for everyone, but particularly for babies and young children, is to feel understood and responded to. This is the vital role early years pedagogues undertake daily. It is what can make effective pedagogy so rewarding but also emotionally and intellectually complex. Pedagogues are entitled to a space where they can reflect on the complexities of their interactions and feel understood and responded to. That is what Work Discussion is all about.’

IN ADULTS

Working with young children is emotionally demanding work. They can unwittingly trigger strong emotions in practitioners which can be distressing and difficult to process. If we don’t acknowledge this emotional complexity, staff may feel they are not coping when they feel stirred up or overwhelmed.

It is clear that emotional self-regulation is necessary for all those in the EYFS, irrespective of age. If the adults do not have this capacity, they are unlikely to be able to offer the child the emotional support they need.

CASE STUDY: Sheringham Nursery School and Children’s Centre

Lindsey Foster, head teacher, says, ‘Jasmin struggled from day one at nursery. She would start the day positively, but then become negative, saying things were “babyish” and that there was no-one she wanted to play with. She would often spoil other children’s play.

‘At pick-up time her mother would ask if she’d been “good” and within a few moments she and Jasmin would be angry with each other. This would often end with Jasmin refusing to walk home and her mother threatening sanctions.

‘We resolved to get to know Jasmin and her mother better. It became clear that Jasmin’s mother had experienced a difficult childhood, with parents who had impossibly high ideals for her. Jasmin was desperate to please her mum and “be good” but the pressure she put on herself was unbearable.

‘Jasmin’s key person encouraged the mother to try and be calmer if things went a little wrong. She recommended that she stop telling Jasmin that she must “be good” and instead talk to her about what she might play.

‘Jasmin’s key person found she loved to play with toy animals, so made sure these were available for her at the start of the day. Jasmin’s key person also made it clear to her that she must not spoil other children’s play, combining a tone of firmness with empathy.

‘Gradually, Jasmin began to make friends. Rather than lashing out at others, she trusted her key person to help her when she felt sad or angry. Though she continued to have some difficult days, she was soon coming in happily and playing with her friends.’

Caroline Vollans is an author and freelance writer and editor. She is the author of Menopause: 35 Women Speak Out, available on Amazon

FURTHER INFORMATION

• Dr Peter Elfer (Ed.) (due spring 2024) Talking with Feeling in the Early Years: ‘Work Discussion’ as a Model of Supporting Professional Reflection and Wellbeing. Routledge David Fulton
• Dr Peter Elfer talking about Work Discussions: ‘Improving social and emotional learning in schools: a closer look at the EYFS’ (2020), https://bit.ly/3LYFg9T
• Mischel W. (1974) ‘Processes in delay of gratification’ in Berkowitz L. (Ed.) Advances in Experimental Social Psychology,(Vol. 7, pp. 249–292). Academic Press
• Search ‘Staff Wellbeing Resource’ at www.annafreud.org