A parent's guide to dealing with bereavement
Wednesday, May 3, 2006
Many children experience bereavement, whether it is the death of a much-loved pet, a grandparent or sibling. There is no one way for adults to respond, but there are certain things that need to be carefully considered. Do you think my child understands what has happened?
Do you think my child understands what has happened?
Children's perception and understanding of death will vary due to a number of factors such as age, emotional maturity and attitudes at home. Answering a child's questions about death and dying can be difficult, but taking time to discuss this important issue will give a child the comfort and reassurance that they need. It would be unnatural for adults not to show grief or sadness, too. Children often want to help and if they know why people are sad, it can put their own grief and sense of loss into context.
Often this advice is just as relevant to parents as it is to children.
How do you think I should answer questions about death?
Children ask lots of questions and may ask the same question several times.
It helps if your answers are consistent and straightforward, after finding out what this child already knows about death. Offering simple explanations and using everyday analogies will help to make answers more understandable.
It can be useful to discuss what strategies a parent has for meeting these questions, so that a consistent approach can be given at home and in their early years setting.
How do I explain what 'dead' is?
Children can often assume that death is temporary. They will need adults to verify facts in order to make sense of what has happened. Start from a known point - what does 'alive' mean? When all the things that mean being 'alive' stop, that is what is meant when we say 'dead'. Linking life and death to the cycle of nature (spring, summer, autumn, winter) can also help to normalise and categorise events in a young child's mind.
I'm worried by my child's behaviour
Be aware that your child could mimic a behavioural response seen at home in response to grief. Parents may be aware that children have lots of 'coping mechanisms', but they need to be allowed to grieve in their own way. If you, as a parent, are finding it difficult to cope with a bereavement, don't be afraid to talk to your nursery practitioner; they need to be aware of the impact that adults' grieving may have on your child. There is also plenty of support available from outside agencies (see below).
Further information
* Cruse Bereavement Care www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk or 0870 1671677
* The Child Bereavement Trust www.childbereavement.org.uk
* Winston's Wish www.winstonswish.org.uk
Not Too Young To Grieve
* Free training materials, including a 14-minute animated DVD, are available to download from the Childhood Bereavement Network at www.childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk
Books
* Waterbugs and Dragonflies: Explaining death to young children by Doris Stickney (Continuum International, 4.79)
* Grief in Children: A handbook for adults by Atle Dyregrov (Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 12.95).
* When Someone Very Special Dies by Marge Heegaard (Fairview Press, Pounds 5.99)
* Scrumpy by Elizabeth Dale and Frederic Joos (Anderson Press, Pounds 4.55).This book has an important message for children suffering the loss of a beloved pet.
