Ask the expert

Q I have sole charge of two girls, aged three and five. Their parents frequently work abroad. The girls are used to this and seem to take it in their stride. However, recently they were away for two weeks, and I found the five-year-old was taking money from the car parking tin in the car and hiding it in her shoe. She stopped when her parents returned, but now she is stealing things like sweets and biscuits. She sobs bitterly when she is discovered but continues to steal. How can I stop her?

A Most children steal on one or more occasion, but continual or persistent stealing needs to be taken seriously. Children have very limited ways of letting adults know when they are worried, and when they haven't got the necessary language they use behaviour as a way of talking to adults.

Children steal because they feel they need something emotionally. Your five-year-old was hiding the money in her shoe, not trying to spend it! When children steal, they are not telling you what they want because they don't know themselves what it is they want. Stealing is a child's way of saying to the adults around him or her, 'help me to find out what I want'.

This child may not be as untroubled by her parents' absences as she appears. She may feel under pressure to accept her parents' absences. She doesn't understand what she feels about her parents going away. She may certainly feel that she cannot object. Maybe she worries that her parents would rather be at work than spend time with her. It may help your management to think of this child as trying to get close to her parents.

What do you think she feels deprived of? The adults around her need to help her to understand what she feels she needs or lacks. First and foremost she needs to be showered with spontaneous affection, kindness and treats. At the same time, you need to set a firm boundary on her stealing. Explain that stealing isn't getting her what she needs. Tell her she is stealing because she feels worried and unhappy, but when she steals she feels even more unhappy.

Most of all, you need to talk to her parents about the impact of their absences. Stress to them the importance of staying in touch daily. They could leave a little gift or note for the children to open each day when they are gone. Keep reminding the girls that mummy and daddy are thinking about them even when they're not with them.

Contacts

Andrea Clifford-Poston is the author of The Secrets of Successful Parenting - Understand What Your Child's Behaviour is Telling You (How-to-Books, Pounds 9.99)

If you have a child behaviour question, write to Andrea Clifford-Poston at the address on page 3.