Sarah Mackenzie: 'When saying sorry has real value'

I recently had a refreshing conversation: someone said sorry to me. Not for something they did, but on behalf of the organisation they work for. A sorry that was overdue, needed, and appreciated. When you’re having to put your case forward, repeatedly, and someone finally listens, hears and is willing to say sorry and focus on putting things right, the relief is real.

None of us gets everything right all the time, individually or within our organisations, and when we don’t, we should apologise. So why are so many of us reluctant? Why do we replace the simple sorry, and here’s what I’m going to do about it, with defensiveness and deflection? How many genuine customer concerns would be resolved with a heartfelt sorry and reassurance that something is going to be done. We find that when things do go wrong, it’s that transparent, reassuring communication that is most valued.

Likewise with our teams, the job of the leader, and the teammate, isn’t to be always right. I’d hope no-one sets out to make mistakes, but inevitably sometimes they happen; whether we said we’d do something that we didn’t, we tried to help but actually hindered. In those times, having the courage to put your hands up and apologise (preferably loudly) and solve the problem is restorative. Although sorry can’t be overused, and an apology for a one-off is powerful, apologies for repeated behaviours do little to repair trust; in those scenarios, changed behaviour is the apology.

And as for our children, does sorry have a role in our approach to supporting their developing behaviours? I think there was a time when a forced apology was the default. Essentially teaching a child to lie, particularly if they haven’t even developed the theory of mind to understand why they are apologising. Yet in our developed understanding of the downsides of a forced sorry, should we abandon apologies altogether? I don’t think so, I think we should be role-modelling in front of the children, gently prompting. Involving the child in solving the problem, but not forcing. It doesn’t have to be the word ‘sorry’, and it has to be in line with the child’s development. Only our oldest children in the early years are developing empathy and remorse.

After all, we don’t want to teach either our children or teams that sorry is a quick way to get out of a conversation, we want to role model genuine apologies. A tool, not to change the past, but to make the future different.