Carers can learn to recognise when a withdrawn child is ready to respond, writes child psychotherapist Juliet Brown
In a busy nursery withdrawn children can easily be overlooked. Here we look at how to recognise withdrawn children and to think about how you might help them.
We call children 'withdrawn' when they rarely seek adult attention and avoid lively interaction with other children. They may tag along on the edge of the group or prefer solitary play or like to disappear inside the play- house.
Their faces have a subdued look and it's hard to get them to light up. When they are hurt or upset they may not seek comfort from you, but turn away instead.
Many children have periods of withdrawal which can last a week or two. Often parents can tell you what lies behind their child's change of mood. Usually it's a major disappointment or a loss. Maybe a pet has died, a new baby has arrived or a parent has threatened to leave home.
Withdrawal can also be a response to events in the nursery, like the loss of a favourite nursery nurse. At such times a child who has been buoyant and sociable becomes sad and withdrawn. They are mourning and will gradually recover their former self, especially if you are sympathetic and do not try to jolly them out of it.
But there are also children who are always quiet, shy and withdrawn. It seems to be part of their character. Although some mildly withdrawn children do not seem unhappy, children who are very withdrawn usually show some signs of anger and unhappiness. They may cry easily or make frequent resort to comfort habits like thumb-sucking or nail-biting. They may suffer from stomach aches. If they were adults we might want to call them depressed. No one likes to think of toddlers or pre-schoolers as being depressed but they all have the same range of feelings as we do and some of them certainly do feel very low. Behind their withdrawal they may be nursing feelings of loss and loneliness and of being unlovable and bad.
What can you do to help?
Children who are mildly withdrawn may welcome your advances. They may be grateful when you seek them out, take them by the hand or pick them up for a friendly talk or cuddle. Perhaps they find it hard to compete for attention in all the hurly-burly of nursery life and need encouragement to feel that they are wanted. They need to know that you are available and remember them - that you have a place for them in your affections. Then they may grow more confident about seeking your attention.
Children who are more deeply withdrawn may make you feel that your advances are unwelcome. They may seem to want to be left alone. They may resist cuddles and not want to be held. It's hard to see a child who is isolated and in need of affection but who can't accept it. You may feel painfully rebuffed and not know what to do. Sometimes the problem can be gradually overcome by a key-worker.
When a child feels special to one nursery nurse in particular they may develop sufficient trust in her availability to risk coming out of their shell. But if nursery nurses are busy or treated as though they were interchangeable, it is much more difficult for the withdrawn child to feel wanted.
It is tempting to try to cheer up a withdrawn child with jokiness or rough and tumble play but you are more likely to succeed with quieter approaches. If you are rejected, say you're sorry that they don't want attention now but you'll try again later. Most importantly, acknowledge the child's feelings by saying, for example, 'I'm sorry you are feeling sad' rather than asking why they are sad, which is likely to lead nowhere especially as they may not know.
However you could ask, 'What can we do to help you feel better?' You could suggest some activity which you know the child enjoys and which isn't difficult, maybe just reading a favourite story. Tell them you understand how they feel and that you want to help.
But be prepared for slow progress. Even when the child remains withdrawn they will feel better for knowing that you care how they feel.
A double blow to happiness
Harry started nursery on his second birthday. His mother stayed with him until he had settled and he was soon a favourite with staff and children.
All went well until Harry was nearly three. Then Harry's father suddenly left the family. Staff noticed something was wrong when Harry became very tense and was easily provoked to tears. They asked his mother about it and she told them that his father had left but she was sure that the separation was only temporary.
However, Harry's father did not return. Gradually all the life seemed to go out of the little boy. He started bringing his comfort blanket to nursery and he would sit clutching it, just watching while the other children played. Staff realised that Harry's mother had become depressed - when she delivered Harry in the morning her face looked as downcast as his. Poor Harry had suffered a double separation. His father had left and his mother had become so lost in her depression that she could not meet his needs. Nursery staff did their best to comfort Harry but they could not overcome the effect of his double loss.
Sometimes all professional carers can do is to be there and sympathise, and help the child to bear it.
Fortunately the story had a happy ending. Harry's father arranged regular access visits to Harry and his mother recovered from her depression. By the time Harry transferred to school he had regained his confidence, though he never became quite as bright and lively as he had been before.
How a key-worker unlocked an inhibited child
Lucy appeared a withdrawn little girl from the time she entered the nursery at the age of 18 months. Her mother described her as always shy and quiet. Nursery staff thought Lucy was not only shy and quiet but also deprived and unhappy. They noted the lack of warmth in her mother's voice when she talked about Lucy and saw how easily she criticised her daughter.
Both Lucy's parents had full-time jobs and led hectic lives. Her two older sisters had been demanding and attention-seeking during their time in the nursery, but Lucy was different. Perhaps she sensed that her unplanned arrival in the family had been a mistake. In the nursery she was undemanding and compliant which made her easy to forget. When Clare was assigned to be Lucy's key-worker she felt disappointed at having to care for such an inhibited child, but she decided to help Lucy become more out-going and sociable. She felt sure that inside this withdrawn toddler there must be a lively, demanding one waiting to get out. The other three toddlers in Clare's care were doing well so she was able to find time for some individual attention for her.
Lucy took six months to thaw. As she became attached to Clare she became more alive. She was often demanding and cross with her and she hit other children who sought Clare's attention. There were times when Clare wished that she'd left Lucy alone but when she saw Lucy's face light up she knew that she was recovering from her withdrawal and that enabling her to form an attachment to Clare had been the solution.
Even Lucy's mother noticed the change. 'The nursery has done her a power of good,' she said. 'She's much happier now.'
