Being the professional nanny she is, Sarah, who has worked with some of Hollywood's favourite celebrity parents, will not name names. But she will relate an incident that caused her a great deal of embarrassment.'I was working for an actor who was in town for a premiere. His co-star was staying on the floor above. Both actors had their families with them, and their girls were great friends. A call came down requesting that I take the daughter to play upstairs. So I did.'
Sarah knocked on the door. It opened, and there was the actor dressed only in a pair of underpants. 'I didn't know where to look!' says Sarah. But the actor appeared at ease, and kept Sarah chatting for some time. 'It was such a shame, because I would have loved to talk to him at any other occasion. I just couldn't get over the fact I was talking to him in his underwear! It wasn't so much the person, but the fact he was underdressed. I would have felt embarrassed whoever it was.'
Nannies can quickly become part of the furniture in a family, particularly if they live in. If the boundaries of personal space and exposure are not thought out, it can make for some awkward situations. Rochelle, who worked for a London family for three years, says, 'We quickly developed a knocking system for the bathroom door after the four-year-old accidentally exposed her Dad to me a week after I started the job.'
It is important to think through your own responses. If you are not comfortable with a lot of bare flesh, stress levels may rise when you work for a family who have a relaxed approach to clothes. Karen recalls, 'My first job was in a house where everyone often walked around nude. It made me feel very uncomfortable, and I didn't know how to bring it up, so in the end I just left.'
If you feel uneasy seeing a mother breastfeeding her baby, it could be because that didn't used to be so common a sight. However, any childcarer should support a mother's right to breastfeed.
'It used to make me very uncomfortable,' says Anna, a former nanny who's now a mother herself. 'Now I think it is completely natural, especially because I do it! But when I was working, I wasn't too sure where to put my eyes. They always seemed to drift down and then flick back up to the face again!'
It is also important to find out the family's approach to children's nudity. With the advent of camera phones and internet child pornography, many parents have become sensitive about allowing their children in public without clothing. Karen says, 'We went out a few weeks ago to a party with about five other families. They got out a paddling pool and the kids wanted to jump in. All the kids were pre-schoolers and the families had known each other for years. The family I was with told their kids to take their clothes off - they didn't have swimsuits. The other parents freaked, and for the first time I could understand how some kids think being nude meant the same as being a little odd or even dirty. That was a really sad thought for me.'
Academic research in the 1980s on nudity in the home found that children learn a lot about relationships and sexual behaviour from how the adults deal with childhood nudity. If it is seen as naughty, then children can begin to associate it with dirtiness and self-disregard, but positive role modelling can help children feel accepted and valued physically, and they will be less likely to experiment sexually at a young age.
That is great news in normal family dynamics, but once a nanny is added to the mix, a little restructuring could be in order. 'I used to let one of the boys hop into the bath with me. He was only two, but when his mother found out she wasn't very pleased. Now I always check what the family's guidelines are,' says Rochelle. 'I just ask the parents how I can respect their privacy. That normally opens up the conversation nicely. A little baring of your thoughts can prevent too much baring everything else!'
References Aquilino, M.L., & Ely, J. (1985). Parents and the sexuality of preschool children. Pediatric Nursing. 11(4), 41-46. Lewis, R.J., & Janda, L.H.
(1988). The relationship between adult sexual adjustment and childhood experiences regarding exposure to nudity, sleeping in the parental bed, and parental attitudes toward sexuality. Archives of Sexual Behavior. 17(4), 349-362.
Research on nudity in the home has shown that children learn a lot about sexual behaviour and relationships from how the adults deal with childhood nudity. If it is seen as naughty to be uncovered, then children can develop the idea that nudity is associated with dirtiness and self disregard.
However positive role modelling and relating to children!s nudity helps children feel accepted and valued physically. Children raised in these types on environments are less likely to experiment sexually at a young age. (see note on Aquilino and Ely (1985)
What's in a name
If you are toilet-training a young child, you may need to use particular words to instruct them. Perhaps a little girl has a sore bottom and you want to know whether it is the front or back part. Or you may be asked to identify part of an animal on a fun visit to the zoo. Whatever the reason, do you use the 'real' name for genitals, or slang words? Check with the parents to see what they prefer. Many parents will appreciate being asked.
It avoids the uncomfortable question, 'Do you know where he got THAT word from?'
