What an extraordinary transition it is from being someone special in the family to being one of many in a group! Making friends is as much a developmental stage as learning to walk and talk. Children master the skills in their own time and at their own pace. Some will always be more content with their own company - nothing wrong with that - but by eight years old, most will have made some form of friendship, so the child who is unable to relate easily to other children needs to be taken seriously.
Enjoying your own company is different from being isolated.
THE SHY CHILD
Children are not born shy. Some are born more sensitive and vulnerable than others, some more extrovert than others, but shyness is not a personality trait. It is a learned solution to anxiety provoked by the fear of not being liked.
Children begin to learn to get on with others in the family. Peer relationships will mirror family relationships. Very authoritarian parents or parents who make too high or rigid demands can make a child fear 'getting it wrong', in other words, making mummy angry. The child then approaches other children with the same anxiety. Inconsistent parenting can have the same effect - a child may become tentative because they never know if they have 'got it right'.
Shyness can also be a solution to another problem. Nine-year-old Lucy, the youngest of five, was frequently bossed around by her older siblings. She grew up both anxious to please them - and angry with them. She approached other children unconsciously afraid she would attack them. Shyness can be a way of saying, 'Look, I'm not angry or a threat to anyone.'
Managing shy children
* Shyness can become a habit. Lucy needed help to practise being with people in other ways than being shy.
* Be sympathetic but not over-concerned. Over-concerned adults may reinforce shyness by anticipating that the child will be anxious in any new situation.
* Avoid persuading the shy child to 'join in'. Gently offer invitations, clearly explaining exactly what the activity is about and what the child will be expected to do, so reducing their anxiety about 'not knowing'.
* Provide activities where the child can join in both as an observer and a participant.
* 'Buddy' systems can be very useful.
* Introduce the shy child to activities in pairs or small groups.
* Reassure them it doesn't matter whether they get it right or wrong. Warm, gentle praise helps them to feel that they are loved and accepted for themselves.
THE WITHDRAWN CHILD
Tim was pale, sad and sometimes agitated. He would often sit with his back to other children or wander off to find a space for himself. When encouraged into the group, he sat silently, seeming to be in a world of his own.
Withdrawn children can go unnoticed because their behaviour is not disruptive. The less formal atmosphere of the after-school club had enabled Tim's playworker to notice his lack of friends immediately. Withdrawn behaviour is not just a social problem, it is a real communication from the child that the world is troubling. 'At school, I sometimes cry in my head,'
said Tim. When the real world is frightening, a child may retreat into a dream world. Everyone daydreams, but the withdrawn child is rarely 'awake'.
Managing withdrawn children
* Remind withdrawn children you are aware of them even though they seem unaware of you. Make a point of greeting them on arrival. Tim's playworker tried to check on him every 15 minutes or so, by calling out, 'Okay Tim?'
* He also talked to Tim's parents to see if there was anything particular worrying him.
* Withdrawn children are in a serious muddle and may sometimes need specialist help.
THE AGGRESSIVE CHILD
Aggressive children are the most difficult group of children to manage in after-school clubs. They frighten and repel other children. They can frighten adults - because they make us want to be aggressive in return.
To get on with other people we have to learn to cope with conflict. Most friendships have their difficulties and disagreements. A risk of promoting 'playing nicely' is that it suggests there is only one way of socialising.
Conflict is part of socialising. However, there is a big difference between a child being aggressive and a child only being aggressive.
Aggression is a solution to feeling powerless and vulnerable. You know how much stronger you feel when you are angry than when you are sad. Aggressive children are trying to take control and almost bully people into being their friends. They then get into a vicious circle. Afraid they won't be liked, they try to bully other children into liking them but behave in a way that ensures they are not liked! However, we can be much more optimistic about the aggressive child than the withdrawn child. The aggressive child is trying to get close to other children in an inappropriate way, the withdrawn child may have given up.
Managing aggressive children
* The more an aggressive child is ignored, the more aggressive they will become.
* Aggressive children are slow to respond to warmth and praise but they need a great deal! Try to show them they give you pleasure simply by being themselves. By commenting, 'I am enjoying playing this game with you', you make it explicit that you like them.
* They respond to being given responsibility.
* Help them to understand the impact of their behaviour. 'When you are angry, you make sure people remember you, but you maybe feel they don't like you very much.'
* Children in the group will copy the playworkers' attitudes and behaviour.
If you model an inclusive and understanding approach, the children will also slowly adopt a more tolerant approach to aggressive children at the club.
THE OVERWHELMING CHILD
Eleven-year-old David had moved to England with his parents during the summer holidays. He was a rather gangly child, slightly unco-ordinated, occasionally peering over his rather thick spectacles in a comical way. He had difficulty making friends in America, attributed to his general clumsiness and 'not being good at games'. His parents were anxious for him to attend the after-school club so 'he could practice his social skills'.
His playworker described how David arrived first at play club. He had chatted with her awkwardly in a rather loud voice until another child entered the hall. David bounded over to him with great enthusiasm, holding out his hand, bellowing, 'Hi, I'm David, you can be my friend'. Pushing his face far too close, he grabbed the astonished child's hand and shook it vigorously. David looked devastated when the other child pulled away and shrugged him off.
It was easy to understand why David had difficulty in getting on with other children. He was making grand, over the top overtures that overwhelmed the other children who experienced him as aggressive. It was not his intention to be aggressive. Bossy girls, typical of this age, often suffer the same problem. They don't understand they are being aggressive. As one girl said, 'I was just trying to make the game better.'
Excessive friendliness can be a solution to being very angry or frightened.
David was under pressure to socialise, fearing 'something was wrong with him' because he didn't have any friends. His poor self-esteem was now making him 'go over the top' in order to be friendly.
Managing overwhelming children
* Such children need help in imagining the effects of their behaviour on other children. Drama and role play can be as helpful as talking individually.
* Reassure such children that they are likeable. You could ask 'What is there about you not to like?'
* Explain that everyone has to learn to make friends. There is nothing wrong with them, it is just taking them a little longer than most people.
Give them permission to learn social skills slowly. Reassure them that it is alright to make mistakes.
* Help them to think of ways of putting things right when they do upset other children.
Grown-ups worry about children who 'can't get on'. Of course, no-one likes to see a child alone and ignored, casting as they do a bleak shadow of a future neglected adult. They remind us of our deepest fear - of being disliked and rejected.
Socialising is a struggle and perhaps the best we can do for children is to help them to deal with parts of themselves that are making the struggle harder.
Andrea Clifford-Poston is a child, family and educational therapist with 30 years experience. She is also author of The Secrets of Successful Parenting published by How to Books (10.99).
