Q: I'm facing a difficult time at work. I am the key person for two children. One of them is 11 months and not quite walking, while the other child is 22 months and hitting the stage where she gets uncontrollably upset very easily. I do not always understand why she is crying - whether it is upset, rage or jealousy. Both children demand a lot of attention and I'm not sure what to do.
A: To be a key person is always demanding. It requires you to meet the needs of the children in your care and respond to them in a timely, sensitive and developmentally appropriate way. This can be even more demanding if, as in this situation, you feel at a loss as to how to balance the needs of these very young children and their competing demands for your care and attention.
Young children are both a joy and a worry as we try to support, care for and reassure them through their day- to-day 'ups and downs'. You say that the older child is 'hitting the stage where she gets uncontrollably upset very easily'. This suggests that you are anticipating the 'terrible twos'. While it is true that there are times in their developmental journey when children appear to be more distressed and frustrated, we have to be careful that we don't see such a phase as the child's behaviour being 'terrible', but rather that we understand what is 'going on' within the child.
In order to do this, you need to step back and think about your reactions to the situation.
There is pressure on practitioners to feel that they can cope in any situation and that they are 'failing' if a situation or child is difficult or causing anxiety. I wonder whether this is true for you? It is important to realise that no-one can handle every situation for every child all of the time. Perhaps the child's distress is distressing you in turn and you feel less able to be calm and soothing in these circumstances. You may also be feeling that if the older child is taking more of your time, then you are 'neglecting' your other key child.
Reassurance for you, therefore, may in fact be the first step in helping these children, remembering that:
- you are a caring practitioner who wants the best for them
- you are the mature person and will be able to 'contain' the older child's feelings as well as being responsive to the younger child.
Who is the children's key person when you are away - have you got a 'back up' person in your setting?. If this is the case, as I hope it is, then it may be useful to talk over your worries and share concerns with them.
The 22-month-old is entering a phase when children can appear to become more easily upset. This is because she is beginning to realise her world is expanding. For example, emerging verbal language may be opening new doors for personal expression, she is mobile, a bit more independent and capable, and is beginning to understand the idea of 'me' and 'mine'. Exciting, but also a bit scary and frustrating, as her abilities may not match her wishes - and her wishes may not match what adults want!
Adults have to recognise that this new phase is one of huge learning, especially about managing strong and genuine emotions. You say that her upset is uncontrollable, and indeed it is - for her. Margot Sunderland, in The Science of Parenting (Dorling Kindersley, 2006), tells us that these emotional 'storms', while sometimes seemingly over nothing, are nevertheless feelings that contain real distress. The adult needs to be ready to both take these emotions seriously and to soothe the child. It is also important to recognise that children of this age cannot be reasoned with. Trying to talk to a child during such distress or talk about their feelings is, as Sunderland says, a 'waste of time'.
- How did it start?
It might be helpful to take a deep breath and think about the occasions that trigger the uncontrollable upset. Although they can seem to be about trivial issues, such as another child snatching a desired toy, the sense of loss that a child may experience when a toy has been snatched activates the pain centres in the brain so the child is flooded with unpleasant feelings, as Sunderland reminds us.
Adults usually feel the physical pain of distress in severe situations, but young children's brains are still maturing. That is why it is so important that adults remember that they do (usually) have the resources to manage their own feelings and can therefore tolerate and contain them, and can help a child realise that these stormy feelings are manageable too. The occurrence of these emotional 'storms' may be a necessary and essential part of development, providing us with the opportunities for learning to manage strong emotions.
At this age the child is expected to be able to follow simple instructions and comply with requests, but is also beginning to use their own assertiveness as they learn to say 'no'! It is a time when adults need to be firm with boundaries, but also help the child cope by ensuring that they are not overwhelmed in their daily lives.
As the key person, you will know (or be getting to know) your child really well through your interactions and observations. Identifying the main 'triggers' for the child could also help you notice when they are beginning to build up frustration and upset. Asking colleagues to be aware of what might be 'storm triggers' could also help. For example, the older child may be jealous of your relationship with the younger child, so you might notice that these 'storms' occur when you are feeding the younger one. Finding ways of making sure that there are shared and individual times (for example when the younger child is having a sleep) may be one way around it. Asking the older child to help you with the younger one at mealtimes may also work.
When you are aware of a trigger event happening, then you can find ways of distracting the child by playing a game or pointing out something interesting to 'break through' her increasingly distressed mental state and help calm her.
The way you deal with her strong feelings will also be helpful for the younger child, who will see that you are in control, providing a safe, secure base for them too. This younger child, at 11 months, is also edging towards greater independence and will be observing adult behaviour carefully.
If you see these episodes of distress as part of a vital learning process in which the adult plays a crucial role, by recognising their source and helping the child to calm down and recover, this is bound to support your own confidence in the important, challenging and rewarding role of key person.
Maria Robinson is an early years consultant and author of From Birth to One and Child Development from Birth to Eight: A journey through the early years (Open University Press). Her Nursery World series on child development can be bought online at: www.nurseryworld.co.uk/Books.
