When you start out as a nanny, you anticipate that there could be many things that could make you reluctant to get up in the morning. But probably low on the list is the thought that you can't face the children.
If you work in a nursery or other early years setting, from time to time you will find it hard to warm to a particular child. Under these circumstances there are other children in perhaps a large group, and other staff to share their care. But when you work as a nanny there is not much else except you and a child. Your thoughts turn to the long morning you face with Lucy, who could whinge for Europe, or an endless afternoon with Ned, who may risk being left at the park if he does one more of those disgusting, long-drawn-out sniffs.
WHAT COULD BE HAPPENING?
It can be hard to get around and through a situation when the short description of it is, 'I just don't like the child!' But you are the grown-up in the relationship, and you have professional responsibilities as a nanny.
You have an obligation to get beyond a simple conclusion that all would be well if only Lucy would stop whinging and Ned would breathe like any normal person. If a child complained to you about another child or adult in this way, you would almost certainly say, 'Well, what is it that she does? You can't just say she's horrid.'
Dislike comes from somewhere. So, is it that you feel irritated, frustrated, undermined in your adult role, provoked into endless power battles, queasy? What is it exactly that you feel? What is it that the child says or does that provokes these feelings? Is it what she says, or the way she says it? Is it a look on his face, that really pushes your buttons?
It's crucial that you see the child's behaviour separate from him or her as a person. You are irritated or left feeling queasy by what the child does. You dislike what he does - but a responsible adult has no business disliking the child because of it.
Perhaps what a child does, or does not do, triggers a memory in you. Daniel makes a face that is just too close to the expression that used to drive you mad when your younger brother did it to you. Maybe it is Ramona's silence and that sense of 'If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!' that infuriated you when your gran used to do it. Once you own up to your own feelings and reactions, you can shift your relationship with a child in a more positive direction.
Perhaps your own background is at the nub of the problem. Maybe you have been raised to be tidy, and your own temperament is better suited to order than disorder. So it's especially irritating when Donna and her brother gobble their crisps and leave the packets everywhere when you babysit in the evening. The children say, 'Mummy doesn't mind!' and you are thinking, 'But I do!' Can you reach some compromise about neater snacking and tidying up afterwards? If your expectations are rather different from the children's parents', then you all need to have an adult conversation about the issues.
Perhaps what Ned does is genuinely stomach-churning, but what is going on in his sinuses that he has so much to sniff away? Has anybody shown him how to blow his nose and explained that blowing it out is much better than sniffing it all up again? Aim for a lightweight approach: 'It sounds like you've got half the Atlantic ocean up there! How about you try to blow some out into this tissue?'
It can be hurtful when children seem to challenge your professional competence. Perhaps Jamie regularly harks back to 'when Zoe was our nanny', and you're thinking, 'If I have to hear about that wretched Zoe one more time...!' But perhaps Jamie misses Zoe, perhaps he is still confused about why she left, and if he did something to make her go away. It may help both of you to get over it if you show an interest in Jamie's memories of what he and Zoe used to do together, as well as building up your own shared time with him.
USE YOUR GROWN-UP SKILLS
Undoubtedly, two individuals of any age can rub each other up the wrong way. But you are the grown-up in this particular personality clash, so you are the one who needs to step back and look at it, and decide a course of action.
Perhaps it matters a great deal to Gemma that she has the last word in any disagreement. Some nannies may be able to selectively ignore Gemma's habit. But what if you are also the kind of person who wants to have the last word? It is your adult responsibility to be fair to Gemma and certainly not to criticise her for behaviour that is spookily similar to your own. But it is also fair to address situations when the child is genuinely impolite. You might say, 'I'm not rude to you in front of your friends. I felt very uncomfortable when you said... in front of....'
Of course, there are always two people in a personality clash. There's one person to whinge and another to get irritated about it. A bit of genuine humour can lighten up most any situation, as long as you remember that you are not making fun of the child - just making fun of the situation between the child and you.
Perhaps Lucy has developed a bad habit of complaining. Can you get on the lighter side with a remark like, 'I'm going to put you on the quota system'. Lucy may perk up with, 'What's a quota?' You go on, 'It means you're allowed two moans per day. So you'd better make them good long ones. Because when you've had your two moans, that's it. Sunny side up from then on for the day! Think you can do that? Bet you can!'
